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To not have any friends?

(130 Posts)
WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:05:10

I am starting to feel like me and my OH are a bit strange? lol

My OH and I are both in our late 20s with a 7 mo

I have facebook friends, who are all friends from when I was around 18-22 and a few old school friends They are all very close knit, some with children, some without. They all go out in the evening and do daytime activities together all the time. I get invited, but I never bother, and when I do, I never enjoy it and I am just thinking about what I could do in my own time.
My OH is exactly the same (he doesn't even have social networking) and has about 2 friends plus his cousin who he will see every couple of months. He's also very close with his family.

We both either like doing our own thing alone or together, crafts, board games, computer games, walks, days out, museums, galleries, football...etc we really enjoy eachothers company and have since before we are a couple. (we've been together for years and friends longer then that)

We have always been this way. In fact that's how we met, in the corner of a party we really didn't want to be at lol.

So anyway to get to the point. A few days ago a friend messaged me asking me to come to night out someone was having, who I had met once. She explained "everyone will be going" so doesn't really matter that I don't know the host. I said no thanks....etc and she gave me an outburst of nonesense about me making myself a social outcast, that it's bad for the baby (I was invited to a bloody nightclub!?) I do take my baby to the children's centre for play sessions and she starts nursery soon when I go back to work, so I am not forcing her into a closed off life. She was a very very close friend, I thought we would eventually be close again when I was pregnant, as she has children, and thought we would bond over that, but she only seems to do social things with adults, and never any children friendly days out, which I would be happy to be involved in.

Everything they do involves money and I have none, they offer to lend but I really dont ever want to have to budget nights out and drinking and clothes into the little money I have spare that I spend on my hobbies.

I do sometimes look at facebook, see them all and think I'm missing out. But usually the idea of it all is much more fun than doing it, and the odd time I do give in and go to something, I'm pretty much a wall flower counting down the time til I can make my excuses and leave.

I do try and make an effort with them as in suggesting a brew or popping to their houses or a phone call, or taking the kids on a walk in the buggies, but they are only interested in big group activities they can brag about. So I rarely get a response.

I really dont want to be bothered anymore. I like being alone. Is that so wrong?

LashesandLipstick Wed 08-Jul-15 11:12:56

No. It's fine. I don't really enjoy a lot of social events, parties bore me to tears (shit music, shit company, shit drinks) meals with large groups are just irritating (some idiot who's drank 10 pints will insist everyone divide the bull equally when you've only had tap water), clubbing is like a party but with more unwelcome arse grabbing...it's not for me. Every time I go to one of the above (rarely) I make an excuse to leave because I don't enjoy it. Myself and DP prefer to keep to ourselves, we like museums, board games, quiet meals, days out, spending time with our family...like you really. And it's fine. Different things suit different people

Ignore that person. We keep getting people telling us we're "missing out" because we have a child early, even though we repeatedly explain we weren't interested in partying and excessive socialising anyway. Ignore it

Gottagetmoving Wed 08-Jul-15 11:19:25

If you are happy the way you are then don't worry about it or about anyone else.
I hardly go out to any social activities with friends but I do keep in touch with people. I just can't be bothered with get togethers and events.
I do have friends who tell me I am 'missing out' but you only miss out if you are not happy with how you are. If I wanted to do stuff, I would.
I am more involved with family so I do get together for family events.
So long as you are happy and you make an effort for your baby to meet other children, that is fine.

Balacqua Wed 08-Jul-15 11:19:52

I often feel the same as you about the actual activities with my old friends... Ie expensive dinners out, too much booze, boring, neurotic, self centred chat.
I'd much rather do child friendly stuff with my old friends with kids but they seem to have divided up their lives into old friends/ no kid outings and new friends/ do stuff with kids. I find it weird. And no, I don't find what your saying unreasonable at all- but make a good effort to try and find an enjoyable way to hang out with the individuals you care about, as they could get hurt and perceive your withdrawal as a personal insult.

syne Wed 08-Jul-15 11:21:38

no, it's not wrong. I'm much the same and so is my OH.
If their whole reason for their existence is to 'facilitate facebook posting' it would become tiresome swiftly. That sort of activity to me comes across as someone who wishes they were a celebrity in ok magazine.

The only difference now is the world is the party and your still in a corner chatting merrily away smile

Roussette Wed 08-Jul-15 11:23:51

Hmmm - I think this is alright NOW but when you have to go through 'empty nest syndrome' (kids leaving home) and you've been married for decades, you might wish you had cultivated friends to spend some time with.

I am actually the complete opposite of this - I have a few close friends I love spending time with. (not clubbing or whatever, just fun times together with and without the kids when they were younger). Now mine are older, my friends that I've had forever are very important to me.

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 08-Jul-15 11:26:15

I am a natural introvert but I think that it is good to make an effort with friends. My parents don't have any friends apart from uni friends they meet with once every couple of years. I think they're quite lonely and bored and that they don't really know how to make new friends now. Honestly I'd urge you to make a bit more of an effort. I think everyone is happier for having friends, even those (like me) who have to force themselves to socialise.

Jackie0 Wed 08-Jul-15 11:30:52

I'm exactly the same and its taken me to my forties to realise this is a perfectly fine way to be.
No dc but a wonderful dh and we love doing things together, he really is my best friend.
I'll meet girlfriends for coffee occasionally but I'm really not up for parties and horror ......girl's nights !
My dh and I have our own businesses and what little spare time we do get is precious.
I'm honest about how I feel when I decline invitations and its been fine.

maudpringles Wed 08-Jul-15 11:31:52

I have always had a nice little circle of friends even though I don't mind spending time on my own.
I was once told that you can judge a person by the company they keep... and by and large it has been proven to be true.

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 08-Jul-15 11:32:16

I also think you sound a little bit bitter in your op. I don't think people go out to have something to brag about. The fact that your friends are offering to pay for you to come out is a really lovely gesture - I'd focus on the fact of their generosity and kindness in trying to draw you out rather than seeing the worst in them. Maybe you could go to the pub/bar with people at the start of a night out and leave before they go to a club. That way you can just have a coke, not pay any entrance fees and get public transport home - not expensive at all.

LashesandLipstick Wed 08-Jul-15 11:34:54

Mellow you are entirely missing the point that she doesn't WANT to. Your claim "everyone is better with friends" may be true for you, but don't apply that to everyone. Social people always struggle with the fact not everyone wants to do what they do

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:37:09

Hmmm - I think this is alright NOW but when you have to go through 'empty nest syndrome' (kids leaving home) and you've been married for decades, you might wish you had cultivated friends to spend some time with

But I've been like this since I was a child. My parents thought I was strange too, I never left my bedroom, I found comfort in my own company and I never enjoyed playing with friends... I think I'm just natural made that way.

Same with my OH, he had always had comments about him living in a cave (his bedroom) as a child.

Think that's what probably unknowingly drew us together. Hermit love haha.

Honestly I'd urge you to make a bit more of an effort. I think everyone is happier for having friends, even those (like me) who have to force themselves to socialise

I did mention that I try and visit them, arrange a "brew and a catch up", take the kids to soft play and have a chat, but they aren't interested. IT has to involve spending money I don't have, buying outfits, doing hair, drinking, socialising, dancing... which I loved as a teen, but now? Hell on toast :/

Thanks everyone for the reassurance, seems I'm not alone in being alone! lol

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:40:20

I also think you sound a little bit bitter in your op. I don't think people go out to have something to brag about. The fact that your friends are offering to pay for you to come out is a really lovely gesture - I'd focus on the fact of their generosity and kindness in trying to draw you out rather than seeing the worst in them. Maybe you could go to the pub/bar with people at the start of a night out and leave before they go to a club. That way you can just have a coke, not pay any entrance fees and get public transport home - not expensive at all.

I am not bitter at all. If I could show you my facebook I would, but I can't. How can I be bitter about something I have the option to do, I am invited to do, and I used to do in my teens but can't bare to anymore?

As for the paying for me, these are friends that spend £50 + on a night out, money I can't afford to pay back.

As for the bar then leave before the club. They start at the club! lol smile

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:40:58

LashesandLipstick Thanks, I think you get what I'm on about. smile

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 08-Jul-15 11:41:17

No sorry I really don't think I have missed the point. I am not a social person, I am a person who withdraws very easily and who can perfectly happily go without socialising or contacting friends indefinitely. I have to force myself to go out and meet people. My point is that I think that I am better for doing this. I do find fulfilment in other people's company and I think that friendship is a valuable thing for everyone to have. I've seen my parents godown a route I could easily follow myself and not keep any friends and I think that over the years it has made them sadder people than they would otherwise be. I think it's easy at a young age when you're busy with young family, career, hobbies etc to let friends drop and only spend time with partner. Many people feel they don't want to socialise in these circumstances. My point is that I actually think it is better to keep up with friends despite not wanting to.

LashesandLipstick Wed 08-Jul-15 11:45:01

WhatsTheT, it was cool to read your post because you sounded so much like me. As a child I had no siblings and often sat alone reading books and drawing. My mum is the same. Some people are introverted, nothing wrong at all

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:45:41

No sorry I really don't think I have missed the point. I am not a social person, I am a person who withdraws very easily and who can perfectly happily go without socialising or contacting friends indefinitely. I have to force myself to go out and meet people. My point is that I think that I am better for doing this. I do find fulfilment in other people's company and I think that friendship is a valuable thing for everyone to have. I've seen my parents godown a route I could easily follow myself and not keep any friends and I think that over the years it has made them sadder people than they would otherwise be. I think it's easy at a young age when you're busy with young family, career, hobbies etc to let friends drop and only spend time with partner. Many people feel they don't want to socialise in these circumstances. My point is that I actually think it is better to keep up with friends despite not wanting to.

To me this seems very odd. Hang around people I don't like, who don't do things I like, who don't want to do things I like, so when I'm lonely and old, I can call on them to fulfill me. That doesn't sound like anything to FORCE myself into for possible future happiness.

I'm in my 20s, not 40s. I'm assuming that some day, in my life, I will find friends who do like and appreciate the same things as me that are more of a pleasure to share things with.

There's nothing wrong with my current friends, but I'm not willing to pretend I like downing 10 shots and having a headache in the morning, as much as they are willing to have a monopoly marathon with me at the weekend smile

LashesandLipstick Wed 08-Jul-15 11:46:31

Mellow that's fine but just because it's better for you doesn't mean it's better for everyone. If someone's always been introverted, they'll most likely stay that way. It's not saying "I'm too busy" it's saying "I don't actually enjoy a lot of social situations"

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:47:21

WhatsTheT, it was cool to read your post because you sounded so much like me. As a child I had no siblings and often sat alone reading books and drawing. My mum is the same. Some people are introverted, nothing wrong at all

I have an older sibling, who's 12 years older. He's exactly like me and also has no social circle, we spent a lot of time together despite our age group. He has his own family now and does all the things he loves, quietly and secluded, he's happy. I could't imagine him going out for a drink, I don't think he's ever drank lol.

I guess it's all about not sticking to social norms for the sake of fitting in.

LashesandLipstick Wed 08-Jul-15 11:48:13

WhatTheT I think I'm going to save your post and paste it every time someone tries to convince me I'll "enjoy it when I get there!"

Appleblossom82 Wed 08-Jul-15 11:48:17

I think as long as you are happy its fine. I have a couple of good friends i see once every month or so, plus some lovely ladies i work with that i enjoy chatting to. I find between that and my family thats plenty of socialising. I like my own space (dh doesnt count!).

I hate forced friendships or having to try too hard. Im expecting my first and am really resistant to the idea that i need to make a new group of mum friends. If i hit it off great but i dont want to spend time with someone just because we have kids the same age.

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 08-Jul-15 11:49:49

Ah ok well if you feel you have moved on from your current friends and are planning to find new friends that's a different thing isn't it. Your op asked whether it's a good idea to just not have friends. I think going through life without friends is a bad idea, but of course making new friends with similar interests is a completely different story.

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:51:55

Im expecting my first and am really resistant to the idea that i need to make a new group of mum friends. If i hit it off great but i dont want to spend time with someone just because we have kids the same age.

I was worried about this exact thing! But I have been taking LO to play groups, and also a few events at the nursery she will be attending. Expecting groups of mums to be cliquey and social. They are all lovely as fudge and inclusive at the groups, with no expectations of swapping phone numbers and socialising. So it all worked out ok smile My OH was even more worried than me, but he ended up getting on fine too.

WhatsTheT Wed 08-Jul-15 11:56:45

Ah ok well if you feel you have moved on from your current friends and are planning to find new friends that's a different thing isn't it. Your op asked whether it's a good idea to just not have friends. I think going through life without friends is a bad idea, but of course making new friends with similar interests is a completely different story

I am not actively looking for new friends. All I said was I hope it could happen. But If it doesn't I won't feel bad.

Your attitude towards all this is the kind I am interested in. You weren't OK with my idea, until I mentioned I may have friends in the future, then all is well again.

I don't think happiness in life should be justified by socialising. That doesn't mean having human contact. I'm very friendly and open with people when I see them, strangers or not, I'll talk to any random person on the bus. It's the pressure of social outings and activities that have no interest to me at all, and having to change the way I think or feel to force myself into situations that make me uncomfortable and unhappy just to keep "friends". When I am content and happy and entertained on my own.

I understand friendship is give and take, but I have explained that meeting for a nice chat or brew or game isn't anything anyone seems to be interested in. They don't seem to want to adapt to me.

Roussette Wed 08-Jul-15 12:00:46

I don't think you have to make friends but what you give out to someone you like who is a friend, can repay you by the bucket full in years to come. OP.. can't you offer coffee or a catch up without kids to some of the people you know? Or ask a few girlfriends round for a pizza and a glass of wine... anything really.

Someone I know who didn't really want or hadn't particularly bothered to make friends, why should she, her DH and her were inseperable and did absolutely everything together. Well.... he dropped dead a few weeks ago and believe me, it is very very hard to now call on people when you haven't made the effort previously. He was 57 and she is 55, and they chose not to have DCs. What happens now, her soulmate, the only person she really socialised with, they did everything together... he is gone. She now has to start again, how hard it is going to be for her.

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