Don't want my husband at the birth

[Ada1901]

I don't know what to do as I think I don't want my husband at the birth (in about 3 weeks) and he wants to be there. The reasons I don't want him there include:

He is perhaps the least empathetic person I know and is dreadful at dealing with other people's pain - if I am in pain he is almost the last person I want anywhere near me.

We went through years of infertility/ fertility treatment and miscarriages to get to this point and nearly divorced over it. I have forgiven him for his behaviour the times I miscarried but I can't forget some of the things he said. He got angry, he told me to pull myself together before the bleeding even had stopped, he told me to stop thinking about myself, he asked me three days after the second miscarriage (at 13 weeks) when I was in floods of tears how long I was going to 'carry on about it'. He was generally completely dismissive of what I went through and while clearly traumatised himself refused to acknowledge that it had any impact on him - he said it was something happening to me not him and I needed to deal with it.

Throughout this entire (difficult) pregnancy his coping mechanism has been to use 'humour' to respond to my illness and complications which I find distressing.

He has told people that his job during the birth will be to apologise to all the staff I piss off because he knows I'm going to 'carry on' like no one else. I am very anxious about the birth and the baby being OK and I am being induced due to high blood pressure in 3 weeks or so at the latest as they don't want me to go past 38 weeks. I can't envisage a scenario where his presence does anything other than increase my anxiety and with an induction in particular I feel like his presence is likely to make it less likely to succeed and that I'll wind up having a c-section. I feel like there is a fair bit of projection going on in his head about my ability to cope with things. For example he won't give blood because he is needle and blood phobic, won't take our dogs to the vet (he had to run out of the room and nearly fainted a couple of years ago when he was present when the puppy had a vaccination), and I had to arrange for our dentist to anaesthetise him so he could finally get his teeth cleaned after years of avoiding the dentist because of the apparently unbearable pain of a hygienists visit.

On the flip side maybe he would pull it together and it is the birth of his much wanted child too - I am so conflicted because rationally I think I should put myself (and therefore the baby) first and do everything possible - including keeping my husband away - to maximise my chance of a successful induction but I think if he could manage to be supportive it might go a long way to healing some of the hurt. Sorry for long rant, would love advice and to know if anyone else thought their husband would bottle it and be useless (or worse) only to be surprised??

[SurlyCue]

i cant say what i want to say but YANBU.

[KinkyAfro]

From what you've said I wouldn't want him anywhere near me EVER, not just during birth.

Sorry not helpful but I honestly don't know what else to say

[maybebabybee]

God I don't have much helpful advice but to put it mildly he doesn't sound like a very nice, supportive partner OP.

Who would you ask if not him? Do you have a family member or friend who would come?

[CocktailQueen]

Sorry OP, but he sounds awful.

Is he going to be able to show empathy and caring towards his own child or will he treat them just like he treats you? I wouldn't have him near me in labour in a million years.

How does he treats you when you're not in pain? So far he's minimised your miscarriages, been dismissive of you. laughed at you when you've been in pain during pregnancy, and is criticising how he thinks you'll act in labour, yet is such a wuss that You have to organise HIS dental appointments? He sounds horrible.

[KatieScarlettreregged]

Well he's going to be no use is he?
Get someone, anyone else.

[CakeNinja]

And you're having a baby with this man? Why?

[TriJo]

Sounds like it would be best for all concerned if he didn't go within a million miles of the hospital! Do you have a family member or trusted friend who could be your birth partner instead?

[TheCraicDealer]

.....YANBU. If he wanted to be there he should be the one "pulling it together", not you. He sounds like bloody hard work to be frank, it's all about his needs and how he's feeling rather than you. You know, the one that's doing all the hard work. Look after yourself and the baby and let him sort himself out.

[fattymcfatfat]

Honestly? If it was me I would not have him there, using the reasoning that it is happening to me and not him

I don't think that would be very helpful for your relationship though. I had my mum with me when DC1 was born and kept his dad away as I knew I would do better with her there. With DC2 and number 3 due in 2 weeks dad has/will be there. I knew what I was doing second time around and was much more confident. With DC1 I needed someone who had been through it already to hold my hand and reassure me (and tell me off at times). Just do what you feel is right.

[Quinandthem]

I think during labour - especially the pushing stage, you really need someone who is going to act as an intermediary between you and the midwife and doctors (if for any reason you can't).

If you don't think he is going to do that then I think I would get a friend, mum or dula to be there for you.

I won't comment on your h since he must have some good points but we're not seeing them.

[KittyBennett]

What a charmer. I wonder if somewhere along the way the desire to have a live baby overtook the fact that he's not the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

[MidniteScribbler]

Why on earth would you even procreate with this twerp?

[QuestioningStuff]

...I'm assuming he has some good points you're not sharing with us? Otherwise what the hell are you doing with him? He sounds like a complete cunt.

You are going to go through one of the biggest moments in your life. You'll be extremely vulnerable. It sounds like it would definitely best to not have him there at that time. Do you have someone else to be with you?

[MaidOfStars]

He sounds like a horrible person.

But I feel obliged to present the possibility that his behaviour is defensive, to protect himself against the pain of previous losses. If it's happening to you, it's not happening to him, not something he has to get emotional about, package it all away, etc.

But he seems like he'll be next to useless at the birth, especially including his problems with medical procedures. What are your options? Mum?

[Fourarmsv2]

Could you have two people?

[LilyKiwi]

That's hard. Do you have a friend or family member you are thinking of instead? I definitely think it's important to have someone you trust and know with you if possible. You are incredibly vulnerable when in labour and I think if you don't feel he's the best person to support you then it's good to address that beforehand. It sounds like your husband is completely terrified to be honest, seeing you in pain probably makes him feel in pain and helpless and then angry in turn. He's dealt with things terribly and you deserve a million times better but it might be deeper than him just being a total twat, I expect there is a scared little boy in there who loves you a great deal but has let you down horribly.

[Supersoft]

Does he actually want to be there op? If you ask him and say you understand if he doesn't you may find he's very happy to stay at home.

[Mamus]

I'd have left the prick long ago, but that's hardly helpful, I know. YANBU. Tell him he won't be there. Tell your midwifery team he is not to have access to the delivery room and you will raise the biggest stink imaginable if this is ignored. Others may try and do the 'but he is the faaaaaather he has a right to see the baby being born' thing, but actually he has no such right. And I'd tell him exactly why you are not allowing him to be present so maybe he realises what a nasty twat he is and does something about it before he has a chance to be as cruel and unsupportive to your child.

[poocatcherchampion]

In the spirit of being constructive is there someone else who could be with you?

Would you tolerate him being outside?

Which would be worse - having him in with you or telling him he can't be?

[Duckstar]

YANBU. Putting aside what's happened between you two. Father's are not automatically the best birth partners. My DH was with me for DS1 birth and wasn't much help. He's not good in emergencies and is very squeamish of blood. DS2 I did on my own (unintentionally he came so quickly) and the midwives and staff were lovely. If you don't want him there do you have an alternative person for a partner. You could hire a doula if you don't.

[CakeNinja]

Kitty. Exactly this. It's hardly as if there were no warning signs is it?

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

That is very complicated. It sounds like you and he are on totally different wavelengths. A lot of what you find upsetting could be his way of coping and dealing with things (humour, stiff upper lip etc.) but he shouldn't have forced his way of thinking on you when it was upsetting you more.

I do think however this man is the babys father. And he wants to be there and presumably you plan to parent WITH him for the rest of your lives at this point.

I would suggest that rather than hurting him terribly by stonewalling him out of the labour, you explain to him your expectations and also discuss it with your midwife. Can he come to an appointment to discuss how the labour should go and what everyones role is with the midwife? You can tell your midwife on the day that you are unsure if he will be helpful and you may ask for her support to have him wait outside if he is causing you distress during the labour.

I have had a few babies and wouldn't want someone there making things more stressful but to be honest, I think i would end up ignoring them as your focus is so deeply on the labour, you barely notice the others in the room for the main parts of it. He is the father of your baby and your partner. Speak to him and try and reach an agreement about how he supports you on the day.

[maybebabybee]

cake the OP was asking for advice. That isn't helpful advice. She can hardly buy a time machine and undo it all, can she?

[Pooseyfrumpture]

I think you need an additional birth partner - a doula or very trusted friend - who can act as a intermediary between you and your DH as well as your guard dog (if required) with the midwives.

My DH was next to useless in my first labour: fell asleep, complained, agreed to every unnecessary invention on my behalf, physically pinned me down for the epidural that he had promised me he would never consent to - then fucked off home. Now this is someone that is usually the most supportive of partners - I have no idea what came over him but 11 years (and 3 other births) later I am still so, so angry with him for his behaviour on that day. You're starting at a very different point, you already know you have a complete nobhead on your hands. Talk to your midwife, find a doula - get some other support that you can depend on. Then if he pulls it together he can be there but you need to know that if/when you ask him to be removed from the room that he will be gone.