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To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

(263 Posts)
Icklepickle101 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:43:18

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

sparkysparkysparky Tue 07-Jul-15 17:46:34

You're not. I only wanted my Mum. However, I'd really recommend letting that kind of stuff wash over you. I'm rubbish at that sort of thing myself but I still think it would be one less bit of aggravation.

MardyBra Tue 07-Jul-15 17:46:54


(You are being overprecious)

SoupDragon Tue 07-Jul-15 17:47:09

I guess that depends why you see your in laws as second rate family.

Andrewofgg Tue 07-Jul-15 17:49:05

YANBU but don't keep ILs waiting long. Their first GC?

And teach 11 how to change a nappy and be otherwise useful.

FenellaFellorick Tue 07-Jul-15 17:50:03

yes and no.

your mum obviously is more important to you than your in laws. She's your mum. It's natural. A lot of women want their mum when they have just given birth.

But your mum is not more important to the baby than your inlaws and she's not more important to your family unit as a whole than your inlaws and it would be a mistake to set that up.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 07-Jul-15 17:50:36

What if your DP wants his mum round 1st?

PotteringAlong Tue 07-Jul-15 17:51:27

Yabu - mil is your baby's grandma just as much as your mum.

LazyLouLou Tue 07-Jul-15 17:52:07

No, YANBU at all.

But nor is your MIL. Both MILs are of equal importance. Unless your dp is not the dad...!!!

But then I don't get what seems to be a relatively new phenomenon of 'my mum before yours' .

If it is your SIL you really don't want too soon then you'll probably have to put up with her. So be prepared, discuss with your dp how, if she gets OTT he will have to take her out of the room to calm down a little... the baby's comfort comes first (and its knackered mums).

So I suppose I am saying, yes, YABU, after all!!

PurpleSwift Tue 07-Jul-15 17:52:28


WorraLiberty Tue 07-Jul-15 17:52:28

Yes I think YABU.

Might be best to invite both your Mum and MIL and make it your DH's job, to keep the visit short.

As soon as you give him the nod, he can say you're tired now and need your rest.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 07-Jul-15 17:52:32

YANBU to want it, but I think YWBU to actually do it.

I think the most important thing is to spell out to everyone before hand that you will let them know when you are available for visitors and that to begin with it will be short visits only (so no rocking up unannounced).

Other than that, trying to dictate the order people see the baby will only lead to resentment later on.

Shakirasma Tue 07-Jul-15 17:53:26

What Fenella said.

The baby may be equal family "property", but you are your mum's little girl and I think it's completely normal to want you see your mum after the physical trauma of birth, before you face to rest of the world.

buntingbingo Tue 07-Jul-15 17:53:27

Sorry but I think you have to just suck it up, they are you family too and you can't really rank them in order of preference at times like this. I hated people visiting but they are happy for you and however annoying it is you just have to get on with it or risk causing problems for the future.
Just have them visit and when you've had enough say you need to feed the baby get up "thank you so much for visiting, lovely to see you" kiss kiss and go up to your room.

Welshmaenad Tue 07-Jul-15 17:54:05

Yanbu. Loads of people will say you are, but you're not. I only wanted my mum immediately after giving birth. Mind you, I never really want my I laws near me.

As long as you don't have your mum over the next day and make the inlaws wait a month.

WhyTheDrama Tue 07-Jul-15 17:55:32

This is the type of thing that you will probably look back on when you are older and wonder why you cared. It really shouldn't matter who gets to see the baby first. Your baby will hopefully be equally loved and adored by both your DM and your DMIL.
I have both boys and girls. I'd hate to be seen as less important to my sons children than to my daughters children.

You don't know how you will feel when you have had your. Baby. You may feel crap or you may feel great. I was happy to show my babies off to everyone and anyone. Trying to predict how you will feel and trying to control everything in advance is tricky.

MonstrousRatbag Tue 07-Jul-15 17:55:42

Compromise: mothers come together, MIL does not bring SIL until a few days later?

lionheart Tue 07-Jul-15 17:56:17

Your choice.

Purplepoodle Tue 07-Jul-15 17:56:22

Yabu. How horrible for dp mum to be reduced to second class status over your mum. Why not stop at dp mum on way home. Stay 5 mins, and go. Or wait in car while dp shows off baby then your in control of time.

ReginaBlitz Tue 07-Jul-15 17:57:00

Get over it Ffs

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 07-Jul-15 17:57:43

Can you talk to your DP and ask him to either speak to MIL about SIL or he can deal with SIL? It's all very well saying people need to suck it up but the fact was I had major surgery (CS) so it wasn't just a case of 'who gets to see the baby' but I was tired, sore, miserable and trying to BF. I wouldn't have wanted an over-excited 11 yo there either.

I said that DH's very close friends could come to the hospital and they brought their, utterly lovely, kids. It was WAY too much and I was quite ill after they left.

Icklepickle101 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:57:46

Oh now I feel like a really horrible person sad

In no way did I want to keep mil from seeing her first grandchild I just really wanted to see my own mummy first for a bit of moral support and a hug!

They both live less than 5 miles away and me & dp see my family most days where as we probably see the in laws once a fortnight?

There is so much politics surrounding having a baby!

AuntyMag10 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:58:01

Yabu and would be horrible to even suggest this to your dh. The baby has two equal grandparents.

ollieplimsoles Tue 07-Jul-15 17:58:53

Hey Op I dont think you are BU but im biased as I'm going through this at the moment.

You can ask your MIL not to bring her DD? you might just want grandparents to meet the baby first which is well within your rights, and more manageable for you?

I think you should let people know when you feel ready for visitors and give everyone a time to come, be flexible though.

It does sound a bit like you want to your mum to see the baby first just because she is your mum, which might be a bit U.

However my MIL is a total nightmare and my DH knows it, so he wants his mum to be second to see the baby after my family so we can prepare ourselves for her interfering. (DH's words not mine)

Canyouforgiveher Tue 07-Jul-15 18:00:39

I don't think you are being unreasonable - depending on how long you make your in laws wait. You come out of the hospital, your mum might be there to help you settle in, the next day your MIL comes over is fine. Making your mother in law wait a week would not be fine.

I don't get this pressure on the just delivered mother to have to suit other family members. Giving birth is hard for most people and having a new baby can be overwhelming, especially if you are also trying to establishing breastfeeding. Giving a bit of priority to what the new mother wants/needs for a couple of days isn't that hard surely?

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