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Husband and SIL

(68 Posts)
Bejeena Tue 07-Jul-15 17:04:38

I must be being U because my husband says I am and his sister (and assume their Mum too) say so as well. So perhaps you lovely people on Mumsnet can explain how so I understand it.

We live a couple of hours drive from my husband's family and a couple of months back they arranged to come to visit over the summer holidays.

A bit of background to our setup, husband and I have a 2 year old and live nowhere near family (not that this has anything to do with it really), SIL has a 2.5 year old and lives a couple of streets away from parents so they help them out with childcare a lot. However let me stress the amount of childcare they do for SIL makes no scrap of difference to me, I know if we lived closer my inlaws would also do same for us.

Going back to inlaws visit it was arranged months ago and all fine. Then about 2 months ago, just after we discovered I was pregnant and would have been 5 months by time of visit my husband tells me that he had arranged for his sister, brother in law and niece to come as well but forgotten to tell me.

When I found this out I asked my sister in law if they could come on another weekend for 2 reasons

1. I will be 5 months at time of visit
2. This week my inlaws come would be only chance husband and I get to have a little breather from toddler and a chance to do something on our own and get jobs done around the house before baby comes.

To add more background our house is 4 bedroom so big enough for us all at a squeeze but I personally would have found it stressful, bearing in mind my husband does nothing on bed making/changing front to prepare for guests and also SIL is a but particular about where her son sleeps has to have own room etc which might have meant room swapping whilst they were here.

My sister in law got really offended said she won't come if she is not welcome and has been off with me ever since. My husband fully backs his sister up and I can't understand why.

Please explain why I was unreasonable in not wanting this, I just can't fathom it.

Oh and in the meantime I sadly had a miscarriage but that does not have much to do with the issue here.

They just both made me out to be selfish and a bit spoilt. Can anyone explain. I am never anything but nice to them all but my inlaws are full on sometimes and I am just not used to it as my family is so different.

Was I unreasonable saying I woukd rather not have them visiting, or at least asking them to visit another time?

SurlyCue Tue 07-Jul-15 17:09:01

I am sorry for you loss. And i dont think you were unreasonable at all!

AhoyMcCoy Tue 07-Jul-15 17:09:01

flowers So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It's a horrible thing and I hope you're coping ok.

I'm afraid I see where your husband and SIL are coming from here. Being 5months pregnant, to me, wouldn't really be an issue for most people, would it? It wouldn't stop or prevent you from doing any usual things.

Also, the fact you wanted your PIL's there so you and DH could have some alone time etc sort of makes it look like you only want their visit for childcare purposes, not for their company. I would have assumed that if you have the space to hold everyone together, then it would be the nicest thing if your DH can have all his family around him together and your DC can play with his cousin etc.

theaveragebear1983 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:10:06

No, I don't think you were being unreasonable. DH should have put up the united front not said it was your decision, and something along the lines of 'we think it might be too much all together and would like the chance to see you properly' or something. If they still insist on coming, I suggest you 'forget' to make up beds and lay out clean towels, and ask DH what he's planning to cook and do for entertainment while they're with you. Really involve him in the planning so he can see just how much goes into planning this sort of event.

SurlyCue Tue 07-Jul-15 17:10:18

Also if your Dh is prone to inviting people to stay then he really needs to get familiar with making up beds and preparing for the visit.

SocksRock Tue 07-Jul-15 17:12:05

Being 5 months pregnant can make you very tired though, and if your husband isn't prepared to pull his weight then that is a lot of people to pay host to. Another 4 adults and a child.

I can totally see why you wouldn't want that many people around. To be honest, even not pregnant I would find that a tough weekend.

CakeLady1 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:12:46

Sorry for your loss. You are definitely NOT BU, you suggested another weekend, I really don't see how that is unreasonable?
If they insist on coming tell them to being sheets because DH is useless you don't have enough.
Maybe suggest to SIL that if she has her visit in a not so crowded house, her DS will have better bed choice

CakeLady1 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:13:06

*bring not being

Bejeena Tue 07-Jul-15 17:15:21

Sorry for big long post, I don't post very often so please be gentle with me!

fiorentina Tue 07-Jul-15 17:15:37

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. It's your house as well and if you feel it is too much then them visiting another weekend shouldn't cause an issue. They sound hard work and quite selfish. But your husband also needs to help more if visitors come, preparing beds/food/activities, it shouldn't be up to you.

Sorry for your loss.

ollieplimsoles Tue 07-Jul-15 17:19:59

So sorry for your loss OP I hope you are coping alright on top of all this flowers

Im another one who thinks you were not being unreasonable. Your DH should be helping you out more to host his family, pregnant or not. You still have a toddler to care for as well as his mother, sister and her son.

Im nearly six months pregnant and the tiredness has started to creep back. At 5 months I would have been wiped out by this visit, it would have brought my sickness back with a vengeance and my pelvic girdle... I would not have been able to do it without my DH's help.

Show him this thread, YANBU!

DogWalker75 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:20:05

YANBU. Make sure your husband takes care of the cooking, cleaning and washing up, as well as the laundry after they have all gone. Not to be immature or to point score, but so he actually understands the lengths you need to go to in order to host an extra five people. He is BVU to expect you to do it all when they're his family and you've already said it's too much for you alone.

fiftyval Tue 07-Jul-15 17:22:11

YANBU - your dh changed the arrangements without consulting you and this against a background of doing nothing to help with the extra work entailed.
Even worse your sil is making demands on a separate room for her son! They are the unreasonable ones

DansonslaCapucine Tue 07-Jul-15 17:22:54


Hosting inlaws can be stressful. If anyone sounds spoilt it is your sil.

Oh, and given what you have been through emotionally - your feelings should matter even more.

BackforGood Tue 07-Jul-15 17:26:08

I understand - like ahoymaccoy - how it can be perceived. I can't see that expecting to be 5 months pregnant should stop you having family to stay, tbh. Sorry for your terrible loss flowers

However, I also have to agree that it's not for your dh to be inviting people to stay if he doesn't know how to make up beds / cook for larger groups etc.

Nor would I be swapping everyone round so dn gets choice of rooms etc - if people come to stay, then they stay where the host puts them I'm afraid, not dictating they want their child to be elsewhere.

So <removing splinters from bum from sitting on the fence >
it seems like communication was pretty poor all round.
- your dh for inviting them without consulting with you
- the fact you seem to have inferred you want your in-laws to come for childcare only
- your sil's history of making demands
plus of course your dh's inability to look after guests in his home.

jammiesplodgers Tue 07-Jul-15 17:27:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue Tue 07-Jul-15 17:28:04

Who exactly is SIL planning to put out of a room so her 2 YO can have one of his own? I'm guessing your DD?

InexperiencedDisneyMum Tue 07-Jul-15 17:30:02

Sorry for your loss thanks

I do think you were being unreasonable. Being 5 months pregnant should not have stopped you doing anything. If I was your Sil I would have felt unwelcome too. Surely more people would have given you more time as everyone would have been around to look after your other child.

Rosieliveson Tue 07-Jul-15 17:31:10

It's not up to your husband to invite guests without talking about arrangements first and vice versa.
In your position, I would have wanted DC to have her grandparents to herself for a while. We live further than other siblings from parents so DC gets much more out of a sole visit than group.
I can see why the family thought a get together would be nice. It may have been. It's not really fair that you be the one to host this though. Especially as you would have been pregnant. I am so sorry about that too.
Stick to your guns. Tell DH he is being unfair to be so inflexible when you are trying to be reasonable and accommodate his family visiting.

DayLillie Tue 07-Jul-15 17:32:47

If my SIL suggested I come another weekend when it was more convenient, then that is what I would do hmm Even if DB had previously invited me and got it wrong.

I can't see the point of putting people out by visiting them when they are not happy about it.

Theycallmemellowjello Tue 07-Jul-15 17:37:22

I am so sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid I actually see it from the SIL's perspective. The SIL was presumably looking forward to seeing her brother, and would not have known when she could next spend time with him (presumably any further along in the pregnancy wouldn't have been ok either nor presumably would you have wanted to travel to them). Un-inviting her and not her parents seems harsh. Excluding your DH's family from staying for the last half of the pregnancy also seems harsh (I would not be ok with my DH vetoing my sister from staying). So unfortunately I do think you were BU. However, clearly you were stressed at the time, you can apologise and explain, hopefully she'll be able to see where you were coming from, you will be able to build bridges for the future.

LilacWine7 Tue 07-Jul-15 17:38:29

Sorry for your loss.

YANBU at all. Your DH should have discussed it with you before inviting the extra people. It was sneaky of him and I doubt he 'forgot'. Sounds like he's now trying to guilt-trip you, when in fact he was in the wrong to arrange it behind your back. You did nothing wrong by cancelling it, but I wonder if SIL got wrong idea and thought you meant you didn't want her to come at all even another weekend? Sounds like she took it very personally. Did you make it clear you'd like to see her and kids another time/ask her to rearrange? Maybe a phone call to tell her you'd love to see her and would she choose another weekend, would help smooth things over. You could offer her a list of dates that would be suitable, and emphasise you prefer having people to stay at different times so you can enjoy their company more.

Being 5months pregnant, to me, wouldn't really be an issue for most people, would it? It wouldn't stop or prevent you from doing any usual things
I disagree. At 5months I was still vomiting several times a day, feeling exhausted and in pain from SPD. We had guests a few times when I was in 2nd trimester and I found it tiring, stressful and hard work. For many people, hosting lots of guests at 5months pregnant would be exhausting and a real strain, not the relaxing break OP hoped to have with her in-laws.

It's not just the entertaining, it's all the bed-changing, laundry, organising, cleaning, food prep and sharing bathrooms (plus the noise and disturbance) that goes with having a houseful of people. Although we have space for lots of guests I prefer to have them in smaller numbers. That way you can give them individual attention and enjoy their company instead of trying to keep a big crowd happy. If OP's DH wanted a big family reunion he should have discussed this with her first, not sprung it on her or arranged it behind her back.

TerryTheGreenHorse Tue 07-Jul-15 17:40:04

I can see your point of view in that you were just hoping to cop a break when your in laws came down, and they see them all the time anyway.

I think it's reasonable to say would you mind coming a different weekend so that we can use some time the children are with the in laws to get some jobs done & it's a lot of people to host in one go and would be a lot more work.

Sorry for your loss, I hope they are not still being miffy with you under the circumstances. thanks

WhyTheDrama Tue 07-Jul-15 17:41:48

Sorry about your miscarriage. thanks

I think YABU about how you handled the situation but that you were reasonable about not wanting your SIL to visit. I also think your reasons for un-inviting your SIL Are a bit suspect. Rather than just un-invite them you could just have asked them if they minded doing the beds for you and helping out whilst they were there. Even better would be if you had told your DH that he should do the extra chores.

Your DH was rude to invite your SIL without asking you and you were rude to un-invite them without discussing it with your DH. I can see why your SIL could take it badly. She might have been looking forward to spending time with everyone.

Overall, I think YABU

AhoyMcCoy Tue 07-Jul-15 17:44:52

I just think that if you are already agreeing to host two adults, hosting two extra ones for just a weekend isn't really a huge hassle, if it obviously means that much to your DH. I know that I love it best when I get together with ALL my family, and would be upset if we could only get together in twos (from a large family this means hosting dinners of 20+ in a two bed house, so maybe I'm a bit more laid back about this than most grin).

I would go along with it, but make very clear to DH what additional jobs he would be expected to do. Then everyone is happy - he gets to see all his family together like he wants, they get to visit together like they want, and is no extra work for you.

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