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to withdraw from DM?

(6 Posts)
suddenlycupishalffull Tue 07-Jul-15 10:32:09

Perhaps sounds more dramatic than it is...background is that DM has been a widow for almost a decade, moved to my area after DS1 was born to help but found looking after small children too much so now only occasionally babysits, which is fine. She cares for her father who lives a few hours away, so she splits her time between here and there. She has made some great steps making a life for herself here, not easy at her age, but having to spend a lot of her time with her father prevents her from maintaining meaningful friendships here. So I am her only support here, and when her father doesn't need her, I find her at my house, not helping with 3 small DC particularly but certainly here, she's a bit lost when here as no job, no solid friendships...I've just moved (within same area) & am trying to form & maintain friendships myself but I'm finding DM always being here is preventing this (has own key, will often turn up & let self in). She also spoils eldest rotten & that can cause issues if she's here too often. However, every time I try to gain a bit of space, I just feel so guilty...I know she's lonely, I know she loves seeing DC, & I feel awful for wanting a bit of space (sudden death of DF keeps reminding me she won't be here forever)...but I'm crowded & want my own space. AIBU?

blueistheonlycolourwefeel Tue 07-Jul-15 10:42:23

Don't you need her key back to get another cut??

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Tue 07-Jul-15 10:43:45

No. Yanbu.

Does her df have a routine? Set days each week when she helps him?

Can you make a timetable, where you all go out together once or twice a week and do fun things? So she isn't babysitting or just spoiling the eldest.

Ask for the key back if you are not happy with her having it!

And start leaving leaflets around for "granny yoga/senior swimming/anything you think she might be interested in, and start meeting people with similar interests.

Binkleflip Tue 07-Jul-15 11:00:39

no YANBU, get her details of all the local volunteer groups and coffee mornings etc so she can make her own friends then change the locks and start setting some boundaries!!

suddenlycupishalffull Tue 07-Jul-15 11:03:09

Lack of routine I think is part of the problem, if her father's health is ok, she's here at a loose end, but he can be ill for months...sometimes she's living with him all week, sometimes just visiting at the weekend, this makes it very difficult for her to commit to anything regular here for herself. I have set her up with s few things I thought she'd enjoy but she's struggled to commit to them because of her father so has dropped them all for now. We end up filling her time when she's here, which I do find difficult because DS1 does not behave well around her (too indulged!!) and if she just turns up, I feel I can't go out, make other plans etc. we have tried doing set easy to see each other but again, this all gets thrown out by her caring - sometimes she's here on those set days, sometimes not, also I don't think she likes being tied down to set days here. I don't mind her having a key, but she has started just letting herself in, which I know DH doesn't like. We don't have a very open relationship in that I'd worry about saying anything to her as like I say I'd feel so guilty, she's so stressed with caring & still v lonely, but I feel like me & DC are fulfilling role of friend, partner, something to do and it's becoming a bit of a burden.

suddenlycupishalffull Fri 10-Jul-15 14:37:34

Bumping up the board in the hopes of more traffic!...

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