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to think that this friend is being unreasonable

(199 Posts)
MoanaLisa Tue 07-Jul-15 09:26:39

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are sad

DisappointedOne Tue 07-Jul-15 09:28:00

She's not a friend.

UsedtobeFeckless Tue 07-Jul-15 09:28:48

Sadly you'll be on holiday on whichever date she's chosen and so can't attend ...

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 07-Jul-15 09:30:13

Er of course YANBU - she has obviously zero understanding of your actual circumstances, and how very bloody arrogant of her to assume that you would even want to put any savings you might be able to scrape together towards going to her bloody wedding! shock If you could save a grand, you'd probably prefer to spend it on a week's holiday, I know I would!

Email her back and say "thanks for your complete lack of consideration and understanding, but I'll decline now to give you enough time to get used to the idea that we're not coming."

MrsBojingles Tue 07-Jul-15 09:31:37

She is BU. You've already got something booked in that date surely? wink

TheChandler Tue 07-Jul-15 09:33:33

Her message suggests you have a habit of not coming to things. Is this true? Anyway, you have 9 months to plan ahead. Youth hostel or cheap B&B or campsite, outfit off ebay or second hand shop, lift share or need for it to cost £1000. Attending a wedding is usually a nice thing, but you sound as if you don't like her very much (your comments about her first wedding and her being well off, as if it is some kind of crime, are pretty horrible, and I don't see why someone would help you attend their own wedding).

grapejuicerocks Tue 07-Jul-15 09:34:07

Just tell her straight.

Goldmandra Tue 07-Jul-15 09:34:57

Just tell her straight that, even if you could save that amount of money, you'd have to prioritise house repairs so you're very sorry but you won't be able to attend her wedding.

Suggest a way you and her new husband could celebrate in a more manageable way with you.

formerbabe Tue 07-Jul-15 09:35:21

She is being very unreasonable! I really think if you are having a wedding abroad then if people can't afford to come or don't want to travel then you should just accept it. Makes me so angry that people feel that they can dictate where you holiday or how much money you should fork out because they are getting married? When did it become the norm that attending someone's wedding costs thousands?!

formerbabe Tue 07-Jul-15 09:36:38

Oh just re read the post and seems like its not abroad...still, you are under no obligation to go.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 07-Jul-15 09:40:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoanaLisa Tue 07-Jul-15 09:41:40

ThumbWitches too bloody right - we've never had a family holiday. That'd be a lovely way to spend a grand. If only! I've thought of emailing her something similar but I know it'd be the end of our friendship - we've known each other for 30 odd years. We haven't actually spoken to each other for over 2 years and I haven't seen her for 5 years though. She just emails occasionally. She still sees me as one of her best friends, though.

DisappointedOne I tend to agree. Other reasons, too. It's very sad but, I think, true.

DextersMistress Tue 07-Jul-15 09:43:03

Wait, she charged all of her guests £50 at her first wedding? And they paid??


ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 07-Jul-15 09:46:48

Well she doesn't sound like much of a friend, I have to agree. Does she not have many others?

Oldest doesn't always equal best, sadly.

Time to let her go - maybe send a politer version of my email suggestion and she can either accept it and stay friends or ditch you, in which case problem solved anyway.

I don't agree with TheChandler's reading of your post, btw. Reading entirely too much into it, IMO.

TheWitTank Tue 07-Jul-15 09:47:10

She's being a twat. Or she has just written the message in a way that makes her sound like one.
Do you want to go? If you do, can you go by yourself rather than taking the entire family along? That's one outfit, one train/bus ticket and a single room b&b. If you don't want to go, be honest and tell her why. You don't have the money, you won't have the money so sadly you won't be able to make it.

Only1scoop Tue 07-Jul-15 09:47:16

Presumably there are flights involved here if your looking at a grand In costs.

I think anyone who expects people to rock up at their foreign weddings at great expense is very entitled.

I'd let her know early on you intend not to go as its out of the question.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl Tue 07-Jul-15 09:47:48

The cheeky closed minded assuming bitch. How dare she. The world does not dance to her tune because she is getting married.
I don't want to patronise you, op but it doesn't seem like you're in a position to save, same as a lot of people. So what is she suggesting you do. Go without to, so as to hAvd the money together for her wedding. Away and fuck.
I'd tell her to stick her stinking wedding up her arse.

JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours Tue 07-Jul-15 09:48:00

Wow, I'm not sure I'd be staying friends with anyone who was grabby enough to charge an entry fee to their wedding!

I'd take this opportunity to ditch her tbh especially since you say she's not really a friend.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 07-Jul-15 09:49:07

You haven't seen her for 5 years? Oh just bin her off.

ShadowFire Tue 07-Jul-15 09:49:28


Even if I could easily afford to spend £££ on a wedding. I'd find a wedding invitation like that highly annoying. There seems to be an assumption there that just because her wedding is very important to her, it must be very important to everyone else.

No understanding that attending a wedding hundreds of miles away might be a genuine financial problem, especially for guests who aren't well off, is somewhat lacking in empathy.

MoanaLisa Tue 07-Jul-15 09:49:40

TheChandler I only don't go to things I can't afford to go to - for example, a spa week a few years ago. And I always explain why. She knows my financial situation. No, being well off isn't a crime, but I think that she isn't able to understand that people less well off can't afford to do the things she can. I don't think my comments re her previous wedding were unpleasant either - £50 is a lot to be 'charged' to go to a wedding. And I wasn't expecting help - merely putting that in there in case anybody should suggest I ask her. Of course I'd like to go to her wedding, but I simply can't afford to. The wedding will be in central London and I'm in Scotland. No hope of cheap B&Bs or camping, I'm afraid!

Charley50 Tue 07-Jul-15 09:49:53

Weird that she charged guests for her first wedding!!! Weird that you think she should offer to help pay for your attendance at her next wedding..
Nice that she's invited you to her wedding though. Decline if you don't want to go; although I'm sure it could be done for less than a grand.

SylvaniansAtEase Tue 07-Jul-15 09:49:57

Well, you reply thus:

'Right, well in return I'm telling you this now so that you'll have time to get used to the idea - we won't have 'time' to save up, because we do not have enough money, ever, to save. We use what we have every month to live, and we just about get by. There is no saving possible, and it won't be possible no matter how much we 'try', to have money in place to travel, stay, and dress for your wedding. I am really sorry, but that is just the way it is, and when things are so hard, it really does not help to hear our situation described as 'an excuse' not to fund a trip away - when we are worrying as it is where extra money could possibly come from for things like essential house maintenance.

We hope you have a wonderful time and we'll be cheering you on. But I am going to be 100% clear and say that we will not be able to attend.'

OnlyLovers Tue 07-Jul-15 09:50:20

at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children shock

She's a twat. I'd email back and say crisply that it's nothing to do with making an 'excuse': your circumstances just don't allow for the kind of expense the wedding represents. now piss off

MrsKoala Tue 07-Jul-15 09:51:19

I never understood the 'plenty of notice' that people claim enables ou to spend ££££ on something. What difference does that make? The money still has to come from somewhere, things still need to be sacrificed to put it away. Way would anyone choose to scrimp for a year to attend one day of a wedding of someone they haven't seen for 5 years or spoken to in 2years? confused

I would reply it isn't an excuse it's a valid reason, even if you could save enough for it you could not justify leaving your family without or neglecting essential house repairs to attend her wedding. I would say you wish her the best for the day, but that's the way it is. Any further whining and i would tell her she was letting the excitement of her (2nd?) wedding cloud her judgement and she should, as a friend, be able to understand your circumstances and that the matter was now closed.

If she persisted i'd fuck her off.

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