Sister/friend issue(17 Posts)
My sister has had a friend, long term and I would call her a family friend for many years (she was in fact the younger sister of my sisters actual friend). Anyhow, this particular person, lets call her Pamela has come to lots of family events, we have children the same age etc.
My sister has actively encouraged me to treat Pamela like a joint friend, told Pamela to call me when she had some issue with her daughter during teenage years (my daughter a year older, been there, done that) also when Pamela fell on hard times and couldn't afford Christmas Lunch etc, my sister was on holiday abroad and I stepped in invited her for Christmas and boxing day, so she and her daughter & son stayed two nights and we looked after and made sure they had a good Christmas. Sister was fine with this, I welcomed her into our home etc etc. This was a few years ago, but we have always kept in touch, if each other have a social event, then the other is invited. She has often called on my for a listening ear (and vice versa) over concerns/worries about our respective children.
Over this Christmas, she met a new partner (YAY!!!) she had been through a dreadful divorce with an abusive ex. Again my sister was away and Pamela was totally stressed about her new man, worried he would change his mind, worried she was getting too serious, she text me a lot. Long story short, they are still together and blissfully happy! No one deserves that more than Pamela. We got quite close over this time, although we were always friends and got on well.
Now Pamela is a very good organiser, lot's of things she organises are not my cup of tea, that's fine I don't go.
My sister for some reason thinks that her relationship with Pamela has "cooled" and the Pamela is excluding her. I don't think she is, but I am not her so I suppose I don't know. Pamela tends to create FB invites for everyone and sister is always on them of course.
There was an event this weekend that I fancied, sister was away so could not go. I went, now sister is obviously not happy with this, she has not asked how my weekend was, how it went etc. I have seen Pamela on my own before so this is not a new thing (not lot's of times, but she cooked dinner for me one night when she was back on her feet etc). I have not been on an event with Pamela on my own for years before this, but I have done it.
Basically, I feel that sister is saying, she is my friend and I don't want you seeing her before. Even though she wanted me to have her to Christmas and in fact was asking me to have her again the following year, but this was not possible for me. She now is more or less saying I think you should drop her as I feel excluded (which she is not!!).
AIBU or is my sister BU?
not seeing her "before"
seeing her anymore!
Based on what you've written, how could you be viewed as unreasonable?
I mean should I also decline invitations (albeit group invites) on facebook? If my sister cannot/will not attend should I also decline?
Even though previously she actively encouraged me to include Pamela in our family life?
Ridiculous. If you like Pamela & get on with her, & aren't deliberately trying to "exclude" your sister, then carry on as you are.
Go up the events you choose with out special reference to your sister as she needs an example in maturity. She's acting like a spoilt child.
My guess is she enjoyed the drama of your friends life and often got you to do the hard work incidentally and is now jealous that said friend is now happy and less needy.
Tell your dsis to grow up.
Your sister is acting like a child and needs to get a grip.
I also thought she was being UR and a little controlling....i.e. she will dictate when you can/can't see Pamela!
Yes agree with pp sis needs to grow up. You sound like you have a lovely friendship with Pamela don't let sis dictate when you see her.
Basically, I feel that sister is saying, she is my friend and I don't want you seeing her before....... She now is more or less saying I think you should drop her as I feel excluded (which she is not!!)
Except from what I can see your sister hasn't actually said anything at all to you about Pamela?
Sorry Winter, there have been "comments" about Pamela is being "off" with her and obviously you and here have contact - yes we do, have one for many years. Not sure why it is now an issue with Sister, it just seems since Christmas and the time I was talking to her about the "new guy" and telling her to just go with her gut instinct and let her guard down for once!
She did do that, they get on fabulously and for the first time in years she is happy in a relationship.
I suppose we became much "closer" over this time, though my sister was not even in the country and a different timezone, so it would have been impossible for Pamela to text her for any reasonable amount of texts. I know that she sent the odd tax saying "Charlie is keeping me sane, I am so stressed about the relationship"
If your sisters friendship is cooling off it's probably hurtful that her old friend is spending time with you. I can see where she might be coming from but apart from a few comments about their friendship it doesn't seem like your sister has gotten involved with yours she just hasn't asked about it. Just carry on as you normally would and let your sister and Pamela sort out their friendship
It doesn't really matter whether she's being excluded or not. What matters is that you have your own friendship with Pamela now, which is independent of your relationship with your sister, and your sister has no say in who can or cannot be your friend.
If it were a case of Pamela being a bitch to your sister (excluding isn't "being a bitch") and being really mean and a bad person, of course you'd distance yourself because then Pamela is a bad person. If your sister was being a bitch to Pamela that would be a different matter and all that...
I am better "friends" with a former friend of my sister. My sister doesn't like this friend anymore (my sister is a snob that's why) but the friend and I still speak very very often (actually WAY more than my sister and I). I'm sure she was probably annoyed in the beginning but I don't talk to her about my other friendships, or seek her counsel on them, so this isn't any different.
FWIW on the overseas thing, install "Viber" or a similar app. You can text from phone to phone without charge (you'd have to check data 'cause I'm not sure about that). Being in another country isn't an excuse anymore.
People sometimes grow apart, it's sad but it happens.
Thanks for the responses, I'm just going to carry on being friends! Sister will have to put her feelings aside and just accept the invitations that she gets! She's not being excluded she is excluding herself!
Hopefully she will realise that she's being a little immature!
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