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to think about leaving DP because of DDs ASC?

(35 Posts)
AlmondAmy Mon 06-Jul-15 10:46:17

DD is awaiting assessment for ASC, she's 3 and it's looking extremely likely that that is the cause of her sensory difficulties, issues with food and sleep etc. DP works shifts of either three days on two days off, four days on four days off or five days on three days off so it is changing all the time. When it's a work day he's also on call so in the evenings/night he can disappear anytime for different lengths of time every time - sometimes not returning til the following evening. He also sometimes starts early/finishes late with no prior warning. When his phone rings to call him out it always wakes DD and then she is unable to settle for the remainder of the night. When he's late, she can't eat. When he's off it takes days of upset to adjust then he's off back to work again and it disrupts her again.

DP has two DC who are supposed to come EOW. Sometimes both come, sometimes one comes, sometimes neither comes and DP never knows until he gets there. Again, these changes in routine mean DD doesn't eat or really sleep while DSC are there, or if they don't come as expected and she is completely out of sorts for days.

I know she has to learn to adjust to the world rather than it adjust to her but the instability DP brings to her life makes it a constant struggle for her. She doesn't like him doing anything for her so it's never easier when he's here for anyone. Aibu to think about leaving just so it's easier for DD?

SophieJenkins Mon 06-Jul-15 10:52:07

yanbu and I understand.

In this instance I would probably follow your heart - she is only little once and the fact that you're considering this means you could probably survive without DP.

Or are there any changes you could make so that her life isn't so disrupted? Maybe just not living together?

You sound like a fantastic mum to be putting her first here.

Lateswim16 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:54:43

What does your dp think?

strawberryshoes Mon 06-Jul-15 11:02:12

YANBU to think it.

Have you talked it over with DP?

Would living separately but maintaining a relationship be possible or attractive for you?

Would your DP consider changing his work / job in order to provide a more stable environment for your DD as she is trying to make sense of her unpredictable world? Not sure what you can do about the DSC and not knowing who will be coming ahead of him going to pick up, other than asking the children or their mother to give you some notice (which is not unreasonable regardless of your DDs probable ASC).

Or are you just at that point where this is a good reason to end things because actually you want to end them anyway.

saoirse31 Mon 06-Jul-15 11:06:28

Is he her father? And you want him out of her life? Or out of your life?

It seems a huge decision to make especially for something which may improve ie your dds reaction to change, chge in dps working patterns, chge in dsc visiting times. Also it seems unfair to place this decision on your dds shoulders.

If you make this decision I think you want to make it clear that it's your decision and your responsibility and not lay the blame or guilt on your dd.... easy now, maybe not so easy when she's irritating the hell out of you at ten, 12 or 16.

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jul-15 11:10:32

Is he her Dad?

Is he really this disposable to you?

Teabagbeforemilk Mon 06-Jul-15 11:15:58

YABU, he is her father. Are you planning on him never being able to have her over at his house if you split?

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jul-15 11:19:35

Wow, you're going to ask him to leave simply because he works shifts and because his children don't always let him know what's happening at the weekends? Doesn't he have any value to you?

DejaVuAllOverAgain Mon 06-Jul-15 11:21:57

Is this the straw that broke the camels back OP?

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jul-15 11:24:02

Oh I've just realised he is the step dad but the OP has a toddler and a baby with him.

Lots of history of wanting to leave him for various different reasons.

I'm not sure what the answer is here OP, but I wouldn't choose this reason because I imagine your other kids may hold it against her, if you send their Dad away.

bakingtins Mon 06-Jul-15 11:24:48

If he's her father YABVU. Being shuttled about between two separated parents is not going to make her life easier or more predictable. If you want to leave for other reasons be honest and don't blame your DD.

FenellaFellorick Mon 06-Jul-15 11:27:45

Is it that you want to leave him because you aren't happy but you feel that you need a 'reason' that is beyond yourself in order to feel that you have the right to leave?

If so, that isn't true. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason and for your own reasons, because you have the right to be happy.

SallyStarbuck Mon 06-Jul-15 11:31:45

Unless there is a huge backstory, YABU.

Shifts are a pain in the arse. DD is the same age and she finds it unsettling sometimes. They are trying to make sense of the world and routines and it is confusing for them to not always know. But for thousands of families they are a way of life, including families with DC with extra needs, and each family has to find a way to make it work for them, if they can.

I can't help but think there must be something else going on if your default is to think that you want to leave him?

Teabagbeforemilk Mon 06-Jul-15 11:39:03

If you want to leave him. Leave him. Not because of your dd. it's sounds like you are just trying to find a reason. If you are unhappy....that's enough of a reason

Teabagbeforemilk Mon 06-Jul-15 11:40:17

Also if, as worra says, you have 2 kids with him....but he isn't dds dad, how do you think she will cope when the kids you have with him start visiting him at weekends?

SophieJenkins Mon 06-Jul-15 11:44:10

Oh there is a huge backstory - OP love, I think you need a comprehensive thread about your whole situation, not just one little aspect.

It sounds very difficult. I hope you are Ok.

Pagwatch Mon 06-Jul-15 11:48:52

It sounds as if the positives of being in a relationship are being out weighed by the negatives.

The thing is that the individual problems can be minimised if you both want to work at it. Leaving is a rather nuclear response which suggests that you feel other options - working this out together - isn't on for some reason.

Do you have reason to believe he isn't/won't take the disruption to your DD seriously and help reduce it?

WayneRooneysHair Mon 06-Jul-15 11:54:42

OP it'd be helpful if you posted the full story, otherwise based on what you have posted above it seems that you don't want to try to work things out, it's not unreasonable to leave if you want to for absolutely any or even no reason but it seems a bit rash.

insanityscatching Mon 06-Jul-15 12:03:10

No advice as to whether to leave dp or not but have a ds with autism who hated dh for many years. Lots of it was because I was the primary carer so was more in tune to ds and so as a result ds got his needs met quicker. Some of it was because dh was at work so absent for long periods and also ds didn't like males in general and hated the one he was forced to live with.
Of course it hurt dh immensely to be repeatedly rejected by his son but he stayed in the background, interacting with him when ds allowed, and appealing to his interests directly. So he'd take him to see a new lamp post,he'd show him a new road sign etc but he'd never force ds to spend time with him if he didn't wanted.
Slowly ds came round, at 11 he discovered football league tables and he realised that dh knew far more about football than I ever would and from there they built a relationship.
Dh has taken him to football matches,they've gone to away games and stayed away overnight and they have a decent relationship now. Dh isn't allowed to touch ds but they are happy and relaxed in each others' company and it means the world to dh.
I suppose what I'm saying is planning a major change to your life based on your dd at 3 is I think pretty daft but I suspect there might be other reasons that you maybe ought to be considering first.

reni1 Mon 06-Jul-15 12:34:04

Is he dd's dad? If so, YABU I think. You would never drop her so why should he. If not, depends if you see him as family. For me, dh is family and therefore could no more be dumped to help a child than a sibling could be. Maybe you can work on dp's other children coming more regularly and turn the phone down or ask to be emailed with work call outs?

cestlavielife Mon 06-Jul-15 12:46:52

you may be projecting dds upset. does she have good language is she actually able to say "but i thought step brothers were coming "? how do you know for sure this upsets her?

can she follow a schedule board? go thru it each day. if things change explain and put something else up.

have d's phone on silent or vibrate.
have dd or dp sleep in a separate room, with sound proofing.

there are lots of ways you can address the situation if you want to stay together.
but if you don't for other reasons then by all means leave but you can find ways around dd's ASD and ways to address the routines and changes. in teh routines. one goal has to be to get her to accept change. my ds can get stroppy if routines change but using schedule boards helps and explaining things.

melatonin can be useful for sleeping. ask paed and give it a try.

do you have other children? they are important too.

morelikeguidelines Mon 06-Jul-15 13:06:22

Hi again Amy

Sorry you are still having a hard time. I guess he still hasn't decided to be considerate enough to come and going without waking her.

Lots of people have said ltb about this man before, but this isn't the reason to do it. It's not simply her asc making you want to leave. Don't allow your self to think you are leaving simply because of her asc because you or your other kids may end up resenting dd, and this is not the reason you want to leave.

Also it's such a bad idea to keep posting different threads as if they are the sole issue.

cestlavielife Mon 06-Jul-15 14:10:47

op have you bee to a counsellor to try and make sense of everything? lots of things going on and you need to sort it all out and make clear decisions.

AlmondAmy Tue 07-Jul-15 09:27:42

He is her father. Of course he's important to me, but not as important as the dc. If DD doesn't eat/sleep/can't cope it affects not just me but the other

AlmondAmy Tue 07-Jul-15 09:33:22

Sorry, posted too soon.

It affects the other kids too but not DP as he can't/won't deal with her or otherwise isn't here. No chance of contact becoming more stable, DP won't change his job. It sounds similar to you, insanity - she has a complete disregard for her father. I don't know if I can deal with years of hardship hoping that she comes around because would we actually have a relationship left? For now I take her up at 9.30, she settles at around 11, is usually up at least 4 times for an hour before being up for the day at 7. All for me to deal with plus breastfeeding and settling the baby and then doing everything for the other dcs the next day too.

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