to keep a secret account(75 Posts)
I am a sahm, my DH works full time in a job he enjoys and is reasonably well paid. We have a comfortable but not lavish lifestyle. We have two small DC and I became a sahp after the birth of our first child a few years ago. The plan is for me to go back to work at least part time when my youngest is in school. This was a joint decision and one that we are both happy with. I get to be with the children whilst they're young, and he can relax and concentrate on work because he has no stress at home.
We have joint finances, all money is family money. My DH is perfect in this respect and never makes me feel in any way beholden to him because he is earning money and I am not. I've always worked, since i was 16, i funded myself through higher education, and it was a big deal for me to leave work and put myself in the vulnerable position of depending upon someone else to support me financially. My DH knows this, and has taken care to be sensitive and respectful about it.
I manage the family finances including the joint account, and our children's savings accounts, whilst my dh and i both have personal accounts for what you could call 'disposable income'. Our savings account (which doesn't have very much in it at the moment) is in my DH's name, not for any particular reason, this is just how it was and we never changed it.
Anyway, to the point of my thread, sorry its long - didn't want to drip feed.
I have an account that he doesn't know about. Its just a little savings account with a few hundred quid in it. Whenever i come into a bit of money that i don't spend - for example i had a recent birthday and was given some cash by my parents, i pop some aside into this account. I've been doing this for a year or so, and at first there was no point mentioning it to DH as it wasn't worth it, but the more money i have in there, the more i wonder if i'm being really deceitful by not telling him? We don't need the money for anything, and i started off by telling myself that it wasn't important, but i think if i'm honest with myself, its my way of retaining some financial independence. As happy as my marriage is, i've read a lot of horror stories on here about awful things that can happen to sahp's in the event of a breakup, so i think i may be creating a bit of an insurance policy for myself? I'm, starting to feel less and less comfortable with it, and thinking that i should tell him? As far as i'm aware he doesn't have any money that i don't know about, and we don't have any other secrets in our relationship. We're very open with each other, which is why this is quite unusual.
Typing this all out, i'm ready to concede that i am being totally unreasonable, but i'm interested to see what my fellow Mumsnetters think? And also, a part of me is really reluctant to give up this little account as its become a bit of a comfort blanket knowing I have that money there.
So - AIBU? Do any of you have a 'secret' accounts, and if so, what should i do/what would you do?
YANBU Keep it and say nothing. I wish I had one of these. ExDH1 mum had one, she used to treat us from it. You never know what is around the corner.
So you have separate accounts for 'fun money' but you have an additional account? Surely that's just money that would've gone into your fun money account? Why don't you just transfer the money into one account?
How would you feel if he had a secret account?
I think you should tell him, doesn't mean you have to 'give it up' but in a open and trusting relationship why would you keep this secret?
I think Yabu. If a man did this and tried to hide money just incase of divorce, he would be told it's not acceptable.
Why do you fel it can't just be kept in your personal account. Finances are not totally shred of one is hiding money.
Dh has no idea what's in my personal account because it's my money. We have a joint account for savings and one for bills. Both of us know that thither would happily pay for something. Even our 'own' money is guarded. I know if I need something and he has the money he will get it and vice versa
I have a secret account with a few thousand pounds in. I am in a similar situation to you in that I'm a sahm without much of my own income. I like the reassurance that if I ever wanted to leave that I wouldn't be constrained by finances. I'm not planning on leaving but when I have had a massive row with DH it's nice to know that I'm not stuck with the unreasonable git and I have options.
Yes, agree with others. think about how you'd feel if he had a secret account.
That said, there's nothing wrong with you saving your own money in your disposable income account. I wouldn't expect you to report regularly on what the balance it.
Nothing wrong with having a rainy day account, but if your DH is 'perfect in that respect' as you say, then why the need for secrecy?
Just tell him about it. It'll make you feel better and I'm sure he'll understand why it's important to you.
Nothing wrong with having a "personal savings account". But the secrecy is clearly a bit of an issue.
It's got a couple of hundred in it . It's not life changing. I wouldn't fret about it.
It's your birthday money away. Would it make any difference if it was rolled up in your knicker drawer?
I can't see a problem. Does your husband give you a personal allowance? That's what I would want . So I didnt have to ask for money for clothes, sanitary ware etc my birthday money I would just add to it till I saw something I needed.
Well, it is your money that you have had as gifts and things so it is meant for you really. How do gifts usually work in your relationship? If your parents gave your dh some money for his bday would you expect him to spend it on a treat for himself or put it in your joint savings?
Someone else said having a rainy day fund is fine. The rainy day doesn't have to be divorce! Perhaps you will feel exhausted by the kids and fancy a day out just to yourself, or want to treat everyone to Disneyland or buy a bike and child seat so you can get more exercise...
But yes, tell your DH about it in a casual way so you feel better.
I think it's fine to have a personal account. I guess the problem is the secrecy - why do you feel the need to hide the fact from him? I don't know whether or not it's right to tell him - in fact is your instinct that it should be kept secret a suggestion that things are not so perfect. Anyway, I feel similarly about being beholden to a partner; it might help you to get back to work asap -- I feel a hundred times better working.
I agree with others - why the need for it to be secret? Your husband knows you have your own account for your 'disposable income' so why is it a secret that what you don't spend from that goes into savings? Would you feel better if your 'main' savings account was in both your names and you put the money in there? Or would you prefer to split the existing savings into separate accounts and you could put your extra funds in there?
We all need a 'run away fund', even if it's just psychological
Nothing wrong with having a rainy day fund its the secertcy is the problem, the outcrys that would follow a OP post if they said they discovered their DH/Partner had kept a rainy day fund in secert in a secret account would be deafening that he was a unreasonable sod keeping it secret and then suggest what other secerts where they keeping etc
I don't think there's any problem with having it, or even not mentioning it specifically, but if you are going through the finances say with a view to a big purchase it ought to be mentioned, just say "I've been putting some of mine in a savings account to keep it separate/get better interest" or whatever. It is normal to save money. DH and I are very open and all money is treated as family money but we do keep separate savings and don't know exactly what accounts the other has at any given time, but once in a while we take stock and look at it all.
It's your money so nothing deceitful about it. It would be different if you were siphoning money from a joint account in secret but having your own savings account is hardly espionage!
In answer to some of you, I think the reason I don't roll it into my personal acct, is because I don't really want to fritter it away. We're reasonably comfortable financially, so I have enough day to day money for 'treats' and if I want something a bit more expensive, we discuss it first and i can usually get it from joint money.
I think that's why I'm being unreasonable, firstly - secrecy, secondly because I'm keeping separate money when all of dhs is pooled for all of us. It's not very equal.
Thanks for your responses, I think I am going to tell him and explain why I feel I need a separate acct, not sure how to do that without it seeming like it is a 'running away' fund
Perhaps if i keep it until I'm back to full time work, there will be enough in there to treat the whole family to something and I won't feel like I need it any more?
YA in no way U to have the account. Not at all.
But the secrecy is obviously bothering you. Next time you have a chat about finances, saving for something, mention it then, as a rainy day account, holiday account etc
I too look after our finances, joint bills, separate every day and separate savings... but I also have an account in my name that I put the odd bit of money in. It has no purpose. It just isn't a long term savings account - which the other 2 are. I don't think I've mentioned it directly but DH wouldn't be too surprised to hear about it.
It doesn't mean I am expecting our marriage to disintegrate. It isn't stealing from him, being deceitful or any other negative nelly thing. It just is... it is what I, the one who deals with such stuff, choose to do with our money.
its a bit of financial independence for you. I don't see anything wrong with that bit and don't think your dh will (going by what you have written).
Oh and i wouldn't tell him by confessing as such. Would mention it in passing. If you make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal and he may feel you are planning to leave. Just make it the non issue it is.
Its only the secrecy thats making it an issue
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I wish I had done this before exh did a runner and left me with nothing.
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