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To feel sad I can't remember the last nice day I had

(33 Posts)
Suncreamandspades Mon 06-Jul-15 06:56:45

Dd is 12, she has some mildish SN and she has been horrendous for the last three years.

Beyond rude, argues constantly, pinches and pushes me, screams in my face, breaks things in the house, contradicts. me when I'm talking to work/friends/family on the phone. Won''t leave the dog alone, ignores everything I say, will blatently sit and turn her back to me when I've asked her to do something.

She used to be such a lovely, polite, well mannered girl. Now she's awful. Even my Dad who never tells her off is getting annoyed.

Even days out just for her to special places are ruined by her, nothing is good enough for her.

To make it worse she never is in her room, she's always a foot away from me. I have no space. She is always in my face. She also gets angry if I punish her or simply angry at me for being upset or annoyed that she has been nasty to me sad

I have asked nicely, told her off, shouted, taken away gadgets, grounded her, praised the good etc

Nothing makes any difference, I'm tired and not well myself and I'm just so very tired and sad. sad

QuiteLikely5 Mon 06-Jul-15 07:02:19

Sounds unpleasant for all concerned.

Can I ask is her behaviour due to her SN or something else?

Lweji Mon 06-Jul-15 07:05:13


Pre-teens can be hard at the best of times.

Do you get any support or respite?

LaurieFairyCake Mon 06-Jul-15 07:07:57

It needs to become bearable for her to be safely away from you. And know that she can come back.

So a programme of scouts/girl guides/dance/gymnastics/other things she likes extra curricular etc

This will do 3 things. Make it bearable for you to have less contact time with her - don't beat yourself up about this.

Make it bearable for her as she's got herself too tied up with you and she needs to be able to grow away from you a little.

When you are then together you have something extra to talk about.

What plan do you have for the school holidays? Holiday clubs?

Suncreamandspades Mon 06-Jul-15 07:08:22

no support or respite.
I would say it's a mix, the meltdowns are SN related definitely but shes also started using her sn as an excuse.

Suncreamandspades Mon 06-Jul-15 07:16:07

x post .
I've made her go to karate for that reason. I can't afford more much.

Haven't got much plans for the holidays and that scares me. There's nothing around here for older children.

LilyKiwi Mon 06-Jul-15 08:28:38

That sounds really tough, how draining. Especially if you are unwell in yourself too, she sounds like she is being really demanding when you could really do with some rest. Does she sleep well or are you disturbed at night? Try not to waste time on feeling guilty about getting frustrated, it's natural. Do you have any family support?

Suncreamandspades Mon 06-Jul-15 09:05:41

Just my parents who are elderly and unwell. She sleeps 11pm to 5am thank God but she is in my face from the second she gets up till bedtime and I'm in work in between so I have no wind down adult time before I go to bed if that makes sense.

Lovewearingjeans Mon 06-Jul-15 09:15:30

Haven't really got any advice, but sending flowers. Are you entitled to Activites Unlimited money! I have a friend whose teenage child is on the spectrum, and the money can go towards days out, specific activity days for children with SEN etc. I'm not sure how to access it though? Do you have a social worker? Not meaning for this to be scary. I also have a friend who has a daughter with very profound SEN, and the social worker offers the family support, helps them to access other support etc. Perhaps go to your GP x

Lovewearingjeans Mon 06-Jul-15 09:15:56

Should have been a ? Instead of an !

morelikeguidelines Mon 06-Jul-15 09:45:04

Karate sounds good to me as doesn't it include a general "lifestyle" element as well as self defence ? So calming, meditative type stuff (probably speaking from ignorance but it sounds a good choice of activity).

glitch Mon 06-Jul-15 09:52:41

Does your local authority have some provision / short breaks for children with SN? They should offer something to give you and her a break. Have a search on the internet.
Also, are you registered as a carer? If so, there may also be some flexible-break fund money available to help give you a break.

Hang on in there, it is so hard when every day is a battle, but hopefully you can find some respite.

drudgetrudy Mon 06-Jul-15 10:13:16

You should be entitled to some form of respite. Is there a carers organisation locally that could advise you?
You need time to yourself and if you have other children they need time on their own with you.
If your DD's special needs are sufficiently marked you may be entitled to direct payments from Social Services to pay for some help and to DLA (that may be out of date but there should be something similar).

Your situation sounds very difficult-take all the help you can get.

LilyKiwi Mon 06-Jul-15 10:15:42

11pm until 5am is still very little rest for you. I'm so sorry you are in such a hard situation. I agree with the other posters you should 100% be entitled to some support that would help your dd too. I wonder if this organisation might help: flowers for you.

Lilicat1013 Mon 06-Jul-15 10:55:48

I am sorry you are having such a rough time, you might be best speaking to the people who help your child (special needs co-ordinator at school, paediatrician, key worker etc) and ask for information about short breaks or a buddy support worker.

I am not sure what is available locally to you but locally to me a charity (Kids) runs short breaks and children do sleep overs. They also have groups children can attend which I think are free or at least low cost.

They have a buddy system where a volunteer takes older children out one to one to places like the park or cinema so they can have some independence from their parents in a safe way and their parents get a break. I believe you only pay for the activities they do if they cost money. It isn't something I know much about as my children are younger.

If you look up Kids you can see what they run near you.

Also look in to Family Fund which could help you with some money for activities. You could pay for a yearly ticket in to a local attraction for example or some lessons in something she enjoys.

Good luck, things sound so difficult at the moment. I hope they get easier soon.

Spog Mon 06-Jul-15 11:00:53

you are being abused and suffering routine and ongoing assault.

get some help either through social services or family or whatever you can.

while i feel sorry for your daughter and her needs, she needs to learn to behave.
she's breaking the law by assaulting you.
would you consider calling the police when she physically attacks you?

whois Mon 06-Jul-15 11:04:04

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant and this situation can't continue. Have you tried accessing any support via SS or charities?

LilyKiwi Tue 07-Jul-15 09:48:37

How's it going? Are you feeling any better? Another thought I had was writing her a letter explaining that you love her but how her behaviour makes you feel. Something she could read and digest in her own time.

Suncreamandspades Tue 07-Jul-15 12:49:11

Hi Thanks for all the messages. She has diagnoses of three fairly mild SN plus 'autistic tendancies' . The karate does include life skills yes.

I'm finding she doesn't really qualify for help based on her diagnoses, the children who are more severe are struggling to get respite here. The most we have is a day out through Winstons Wish. There are no support groups near us either.

I'm always going to go back and try to push for a proper AS assessment.

Calling the police would just make her hysterical, she would probably run Tbh

Suncreamandspades Tue 07-Jul-15 12:50:21

merlins wand sorry! Not Winstons Wish! (I support them)

alrayyan Tue 07-Jul-15 13:14:42

I have nothing useful to say just wanted to say how sorry I am and I hope you get a break. She is very lucky and she will realise that one day.
I used to kick my mum, tell her to die and spit at her. It hurts to write that and I'm in my 40s. I was so angry not even sure why now. We are best friends now, I live 3000 miles away and we speak every single day.

Suncreamandspades Tue 07-Jul-15 14:09:35

alrayyan thank you. That's one of my worries that our relationship will be so broken its not exsistent by the time she's an adult.

GriefLeavesItsMark Tue 07-Jul-15 15:03:47

Is she OK at school? Have you contacted National Autistic Society? There maybe a local parents group.they will know about any activities or groups.

If you havent already try speaking to social services disabled childrens team to get her assessed for respite/direct payments or advice on activities she can access. Is there anyone (TA, relative) you could pay to take her out for a couple of hours?

Suncreamandspades Wed 08-Jul-15 08:22:16

Behaviour wise she is okay at school. She does struggle. In true fashion she holds it in at school and explodes at home.

She hasn't got an AS diagnoses on top of the others just tendancies although I'm pushing for assessment now.

This has been my morning
"Don't forget to get breakfast dd"
Screamed "have you ever thought i don't want breakfast!!"

"I don't need my PE KIIIT!!!! "
"I don't know if I NEEEDDDD ITTTT" Throws school bag AT ME
Is told off for behaviour and tells me it's my fault for telling her off and making her angry.

Storms down stairs slamming door

Suncreamandspades Wed 08-Jul-15 08:25:06

Her diagnoses is
Receptive language disorder
Sensory processing disorder
with "autistic tendancies"

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