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To think it's completely unacceptable for Dm to body shame Ds Dd

(39 Posts)
Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 13:54:18

Hello I have been very upset with my mother after a family visit yesterday.

When I was a teenager she would body's shame me, she would call me fat, porky and tubby. This led to me having an unhealthy relationship with food and subsequently led to be being overweight and then obese. I still am overweight sad.

Anyway dd has a pear body like me. We are very small built (I'm 5ft ds 4ft 10). Dd is 16 and a size 14-12. Anyway dm reads the celeb magazines and points at a picture of Taylor swift and says "don't you think she has amazing body and legs I bet all the boys love her."

Later on that day we went to Frankie and Benny's and dd orders burger and chips ( she normally eats well). Dm says how about a chicken salad? You looked like you've gained a few pounds. Ds looks very upset and I reassure her and tell dm not to start.

So dm moves on to ds who happens to be small like me and his father.

Anyways dss (also 15) came on the visit with us and he is very tall 6ft 1/2 and very thin. So dm says do you go to the gym with dss to ds. Ds doesn't go to gym but does play sports.

So dm says "going to the gym really pays off on how you look. You should go to the gym like dss."

So I take dm aside and say no more about weight, food exercise whatever.

Aibu to think that dm is outrageous to bodyshame my children. There is enough pressure already on teens without dm being horrible.

Fatmomma99 Sun 05-Jul-15 13:56:34

I think you did well not to punch her.

Can it be s/thing you and children laugh at her about. As in "there she goes again, obsessing about bodyshape instead of worrying about the person!"

quietbatperson Sun 05-Jul-15 13:59:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:00:50

That could happen but Dd and ds are insecure. Dd is particularly insecure. Dm is always like that though so I know what she can be like.

MeowImaCatfish Sun 05-Jul-15 14:01:13

I'd have walked out and left her with the bill. Then gone to the nearest fish and chip shop grin no offences OP but she sounds like a bit of a bitch to me. I'd tell her the next time she says anything to your daughter you're going NC just to scare her a bit... Sorry I'm unhelpful aren't i

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jul-15 14:01:16

She sounds awful and as though she has no social skills at all.

But somewhere underneath it all, she does sound worried about your kids weight.

You used a sad face when you said you're overweight, so I'm going to assume you're unhappy about that. Perhaps she doesn't want your children to also grow into overweight, unhappy adults?

Either way if that's the case, she most certainly shouldn't be voicing her thoughts to your children.

alwaysaskingquestionz Sun 05-Jul-15 14:02:55

You need to protect your children from the damage she will do to their self esteem. Don't allow her to have contact with them.

WeeMadArthur Sun 05-Jul-15 14:07:21

YANBU, my DM did this with me too "do you think you should be eating that?" accompanied by a doubtful look on her face, she still tries to do it now and I'm in my forties. I am bigger than her (she is an 8-10 and I'm a 12-14) but I'm also taller by 3 inches and take my build/colouring from my DGM whereas she takes after my DGF. If she tries it with DS she will get told.

We are already having battles about her 50s attitude to what boys and girls can play with which started when we got DS a play kitchen - boys apparently don't get play kitchens! And I'll never forget her puzzled face when she asked "do girls like dinosaurs then?". I feel quite sad about her attitudes and how restrictive they are.

You did well to challenge her, mentioning weight in a critical way only makes things worse. The emphasis should be on health, not body shape.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:07:44

Worra but my children look healthy and are in 18-25 BMI range. I am unhappy because I can't keep a stable weight but I have learned to be grateful I would love to be a size 14 but a 16/18 is what I am.

WeeMadArthur Sun 05-Jul-15 14:10:04

Oh and I should add that because of her attitudes, and feeling judged by her, whether it's how tidy the house is, the way DS is dressed or what he chooses to do with his time, my appearance etc, it all serves to make me reluctant to spend time with her. Maybe if you worded it like that to her she might hold her tongue.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:10:09

WeMadArthur we have the 50s attitudes as well.

"Everyone was much better on rations and no one was fat in the fifties.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:11:18

I feel guilty if I don't visit/speak I always think what if she dies and I don't get to say goodbye.

Finola1step Sun 05-Jul-15 14:11:58

Our Nan was like this. Especially to my sister who at 45 has had a lifetime of problems with food. When I took ds to see Nan for the first time, she was already in the grips of dementia. But as soon as she saw me, Nan turned to my mum and loudly said "She's put on some weight ain't she? Look at the size of her!". Dementia or not, I knew these were her true thoughts.

Sadly, I didn't feel a thing when she died a couple of years later. My sister still feels guilty that she wasn't there with Nan at then end confused.

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jul-15 14:13:07

Oh ok, it's just that you said you were an overweight child which lead to you being an obese and then overweight adult.

If your kids are looking like they might be headed in the same direction (despite their BMI), perhaps that's why she's concerned?

If you'd love to be a size 14 at 5ft tall, of course it's possible - but obviously hard.

Either way, there is no excuse for her to say those things to your kids even if she is genuinely concerned.

alwaysaskingquestionz Sun 05-Jul-15 14:13:45

Worra - she didn't base her comments on their health or happiness though; what do boys like/appearance is not healthy stuff. And it clearly did OP some damage growing up.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:18:21

But the super skinny Taylor swift look is hardly the picture of health. Not to say that super thin people are all unhealthy but I dont think that is the healthiest look.

geekymommy Sun 05-Jul-15 14:20:29

Body shaming isn't an effective way to keep people from being overweight. There is plenty of body shaming here in the US, and you can see how well it's working.

Oh, and a healthy-sounding thing like chicken salad isn't necessarily going to have fewer calories than a burger and fries.

WorraLiberty Sun 05-Jul-15 14:23:19

Ok I think I'm making a hash of what I'm trying to say, so I'll just say this and leave it blush

You were an overweight child which lead to you being an adult who's unhappy with your weight, and after all these years you still haven't managed to lose it.

If your kids are overweight now/looking like they're headed in that direction, then that's possibly what your Mum is haphazardly trying to get you to see.

But obviously she's going completely the wrong way about it, and will no doubt have the same effect on your kids as she did on you.

But you can try to prevent this by limiting the time they spend with her and really trying to keep an eye on their food intake/exercise.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:28:06

I do keep an eye on food/excercise my kids are in the healthy bracket. People have different body types.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 14:37:57

I think that dm has very little concern for health in regards for weight

Aeroflotgirl Sun 05-Jul-15 15:33:00

Op body shaming can work the opposite effect, my mum is a bodyshamer. I personally woukd have walked out and left her with the bill. Seriously, she is toxic, I would not allow her near my dcs unless she holds her tongue.

Ambarholder Sun 05-Jul-15 15:38:00

It worked opposite for me. Aeroflotgirl

Euphemia Sun 05-Jul-15 15:46:22

My mum does this. She barely eats (DD recently offered her a Smartie: she took one, put it on the worktop and said "I'll keep that for after dinner.") and comments whenever DD asks for something to eat.

DD is 13, tall and slim and fit. She's at that growing stage of needing to eat frequently - she's hungry a lot! She eats very healthily, but my mum has to make comments like "What are you eating now?!" and "Will that not put you off your dinner?!", when it's 3pm and dinner is at 6pm. hmm

DD's going to my mum's for a week soon and I'm nervous about DD's head being filled with this nonsense. My plan is to talk to DD about how she needs to eat a lot more than Gran, because she's growing and her body needs it. Gran doesn't need as much.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 05-Jul-15 15:46:37

The more DM used to criticise my weight, the more I ate, not less. She still does this with me, has started on ds 3.5 years, commenting on how fat he's getting, how he's eating too much. How he is going to look like his other grandmother when he's older who is 25 stone. Ds was weighed by the Paeditrician as part of his assessment for developmental delay, Paed says he is within the normal healthy weight.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 05-Jul-15 15:48:32

euphemia I woukd not let your dd stay with her gran if she is like that, she us young and impressionable.

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