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Would you say something?

(15 Posts)
Sussexbelle73 Sat 04-Jul-15 18:55:35

I have a best friend of 20 years who is almost like family to me. She was single for a long time and happily has met a new man & its going well. I am really happy for her & that its going well.
However in the 5 months since they got together, I have barely seen or heard from her. She has moved in with new man, left the town she has lived in for 15 years and spends every waking moment with the new man. She also had another very close friend who she also has barely seen.
I know from my own relationship that in the early loved up phase you only want to be with that person & I do get that.
But we have gone from speaking 3 times a week for 20 years to nothing, barely a conversation. I know its the same for her other good friend too.
AIBU to say something? Its just so out of character. She seems to have gone from strong independent woman who valued her friends and social networks to none of that seemingly mattering anymore.
I know inevitably friendships change when you meet someone and I am happy for her but this feels so extreme, especially to move in after 5 months in a new town.
WWYD?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Sat 04-Jul-15 19:08:27

I'd do nothing. It's her choice how she spends her time, and she has chosen not to spend any time with friends.
Your only choice is how you deal with it. You can keep in touch and wait and see if she comes out of it and normal friendship resumes. OR you can leave it and move on.

holeinmyheart Sat 04-Jul-15 19:17:49

Well her behaviour is not very wise to drop her friends as anything could happen to this relationship, and then what?
It takes a good friend to put up with patent neglect.

However, you could tell her how you miss her. It is just how to say it without looking needy and expressing annoyance with her.

She may interpret your comments/ concerns as jealousy as she is in the Honeymoon period.

I think I would leave it myself and cultivate other friends.

Then when she turns up again, ( which she will) you could choose to tell her then how annoyed you were with her. But you would have to keep the ha! ha ! you need me now, do you ? tone out of your voice.

We have all been there. Why can't our friends be exactly like us and read our minds and love us more than we love them?
There is always one of them irritating us.

brassbrass Sat 04-Jul-15 20:20:37

if she's been single for a long time can't you be happy for her and cut her some slack?

5 months isn't really that long in a 20 year friendship.

She's probably got a lot on her plate - moving in with someone in a new town.

Depends on how you choose to look at it.

Grahol1986 Sat 04-Jul-15 20:38:35

If she seems happy then leave her be. I'm sure you'll soon be back in touch all the time.

spad Sat 04-Jul-15 20:50:48

What brass said .

And as someone who was single forever before I met my DH she is probably quite enjoying having her turn of being busy doing something for herself.

Be pleased to hear from her when she gets in touch!

Nanny0gg Sat 04-Jul-15 21:14:22

I would say something.

She can spare a few moments for a text and the odd half-hour for a chat.

I hate it when people think they can pick up and drop friends just because a relationship starts. You can do both.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl Sat 04-Jul-15 22:42:07

I wouldn't say anything, but if it all went tits up and she came crawling back. I'd say you're on your own, love. You can't recycle friendships. Even after 2 years me and DP are at the can't keep our hands off each other stage, probably because we only see each other a few times a week. I still havd time for my friends though. They Were there long before dp came along.
A little text, email phone call wouldn't hurt her would it.
But then I am I first class bitch. You walk away from me. You walk a way for life.
Like I said. Don't come crying to me, when/if The shit hits the fan.

EmmaLL25 Sat 04-Jul-15 23:16:35

Is there a remote chance that new partner is abusive and relationship is in the phase where he isolates her from friends/family? This is a bit doomsday I know but just thought I'd flag it.

Otherwise is try arrange a meet up and gently say you're happy for her etc. but miss her.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl Sat 04-Jul-15 23:39:36

Do you know what Emma. I ignorantly never thought of that. Yes he could be controlling her.

Dreamiesrcatopium Sat 04-Jul-15 23:50:05

I hate people who drop their friends like this.
My best friend did exactly the same. Its been 5 years and sadly not much has changed. We speak when I initiate contact about once a month and vist a couple of times a year. Im actually bridesmaid for them this year, so I know I still matter. Just not enough to speak to very much!! It does hurt.
So don't give up.
We were actually flat sharing when I met DH and they hit it off too, we became a little fun trio on nights out etc for a while. Still did lots of weekends, spoke loads on the phone etc after I got married but soon as this relationship started I was history!
Its sad but I'd rather have little contact than none at all.

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 05-Jul-15 00:02:47

If you say something it should be low key and non blamey as she really hasn't done anything wrong. If she's busier than before and sees less of you that doesn't spell the end of a friendship. Besides as a pp says 5 months is nothing in a 20 friendship, and if she's moved to a new town after 15 years in ine place she'll be very busy even aside from the new relationship. It is tough establishing a new pattern when your life changes - why not help her out by suggesting a regular meet up time to keep to or something? Just tell her you miss her and would like to see more of her.

popcornpaws Sun 05-Jul-15 00:18:11

I moved in with my now husband after just 5 month, we celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary yesterday, so personally i don't understand why you think it is "extreme" that she has done this.
She obviously isn't a teenager so why does it matter how long they have been together?
Things change, peoples priorities change and I'm sure when she's settled etc she will have more time to keep in touch, albeit probably not 3 times a week.

blankblink Sun 05-Jul-15 00:37:52

Is it her new partner controlling her, cutting her off from her friends?

Sussexbelle73 Sun 05-Jul-15 08:26:04

Thanks for the responses- I think I just feel like through all the time she has been single, I have always made time despite a DH and 2 DC's and a busy life too and am a bit upset that the same hasnt applied!!

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