Not to want to take a baby to a funeral?(27 Posts)
Sadly my DH's gran died this week at a grand old age of 95. Her funeral is week after next in Yorkshire (we live on the South coast!). However, we've got a 6 week old DS (who'll be 7.5 weeks by then) and I really don't want to take him to the funeral, not just because it's a bloody long way to travel but also I don't think it'll be appropriate for a baby to go, given his tendency to cry at the most inopportune of moments.
My PILs have said they are fine with this but my SILs think I'm being ridiculous and that I should be going (neither have children might I add), given that a cousin is going with her 5 month old.
My DH will of course be going, but AIBU not to want to go?
YANBU not to want to take him. The only opinions that matter here are yours and your DH's.
I took my ds3 to my nanna's funeral at a similar age, but a) DH would have taken him out if he'd cried a lot and b) it was just done the road. It was a good opportunity to hand him round the family afterwards. I suspect your SILS were hoping for a cuddle.
Does your dh want you there? If he does then frankly I think yabu. You can always take your baby out if he cries.
If your dh is happy for you and your baby to stay home, and particularly as your pil are understanding then Yanbu and sils need to but out.
My MIL died when DS was three days old, and the funeral took place when he was two weeks old. We had to travel six hours there, stay overnight and then travel back. My parents came with us and stayed at the back of the church with the baby while I was at the front supporting DH.
Taking DS was fine, he cried a bit in church but was easily sorted out. However, I hadn't established breastfeeding properly by this point and these few days really made it worse.
If your DH needs you there I would go, it's not nice but it is workable, otherwise YANBU.
ive been to a few funerals where there has been a baby, and to be honest it made the event a bit cheerier (i know that sounds weird). The mum or dad just nipped off if it started crying and for the clse relatives of th deceased it kind of took the edge off the intense grief that kicks in at the beginning and the end iyswim. if you want to go, and to support your family, then go and just go out to the car or something if baby starts.
I agree with the others, what does DH want? Does he want your support or is he OK going alone? If he wants you by his side I would go and not hesitate taking a baby because I would hope that if the situation were reversed he would do the same for me.
Ignore SIL. That's her opinion, ok, but it's not her problem, so who asked for said opinion in the first place.
South Coast to Yorkshire is 4-5 hours? Long journey for baby and 7 weeks post natal, but not impossible, but tedious. You might think differentely if it were your GP, or 'closer' DH family, like parent or sibling, but that's OK.
Your PIL's are OK with you and baby not attending, so that's fine. DH is going, it's not like you are saying that he shouldn't because you don't want to be alone.
However, in regard to small baby attending a funeral, I think that it's ok. Baby too small to remember or have to have any explanations about what is going on, so no problem there. If baby's cry then you go outside.
Sorry for your families loss
You need to do whatever your DH thinks is best given your PIL are ok with it. If he feels he might need the distraction then bring DS, otherwise, if he's happy for DS not to go, don't bring him.
YANBU. It's yours and your DH's decision, nobody elses. I brought my dc's to my dad's funeral and PIL's came too, to take them out if necessary. It was fine but we would have struggled without their help (dc's aged 7, 5, 3 and 9 months) and if it was a more distant relative I wouldn't have taken them.
Travelling with newborns is a breeze compared to when they are older.
Some people find the presence of a baby at a funeral quite comforting, a reminder that life does go on, etc. However, given how very new yours is (and how recently you have given birth - how does your undercarriage feel at the prospect of a long car journey?) YANBU not to go unless your H is really distraught and needs you with him.
I am firmly in the talk to your dh camp. If your dh was particularly close to his Nan and is very upset at her passing, then try to make arrangements so that you can go.
In my (limited) experience though, when someone passes in their 90s it is really different to someone passing in their 60s. I know many may disagree but when my Nan died at 97, it was very expected and I was actually ok. My dad dying suddenly at 75, I was on the floor.
So it all comes down to what your dh wants and needs.
DO what you and hubby are happy with. It is a long way and it isn't ideal. These things tend to be big family reunions though so you miss that but then also if you are not comfortable then don't do it. I think most people are reasonable with wailing babies - ie if its in the service they understand and all you have to do is go to the back of church with them. Church is also about family and you can't always not take children to these things. I always think it is important life experience for kids to go. Although obv at this age there is no recognition of the event/sadness etc. Even when they are older its good to learn about the circle of life.
Took DD to her great grandma's funeral at 7 months. She slept through part of it, did bug echoey burps through another and cheered all the little old ladies up at the wake.
Took her to other great grandma's funeral at almost 4. Wanted her to know it was okay to be sad but the whole thing was such a celebration she thought it was a party.
Not taking her to great great uncle's funeral at almost 5 for a number of reasons.
I'd do whatever suits you and your DH.
Then again, I come from a large Irish family where babies/kids are positively welcomed at funerals.
If you SILs think taking a 7 week baby on a 300 mile journey is such a doddle, suggest they come down to collect ds and take him whilst you travel up on your own and at your leisure.
Thanks all for the responses. My DH is completely fine with it (of course I'd go to support him if he wanted me to). TBH, she has been ill for a while now so although sad it wasn't unexpected, and our feeling is that at least she's not lonely and in pain anymore.
I think I'll leave it until a couple of days before and then make a decision. The journey would normally take between 3.5 and 4.5hrs but given that I'm EBF and my DS doesn't really have a schedule yet I dread to think how long it'd take. He may be an angel and sleep most if not all of the way, or he could do what he did today on a half hour trip to the shops and scream blue murder until we found somewhere to stop and feed. We're doing a 2hr trip next weekend so I may see how he is with this first.
Regarding the actual funeral, I think I'm just worried of getting frowned upon if DS does kick off and start crying in the middle of the service, demanding a feed. I think I'd definitely take him if he was older and could understand what it was all for etc, as agree that it's important for children to learn and experience these things.
And Icimoi I may just suggest this...
I did exactly this, same age baby, same distance etc. A crying baby at a funeral can be lovely, it comforts people I found. If you don't want to, babies are always an excuse people just have to accept.
Travelling will never get easier than at 7 weeks old, 7 month and 7 years are much worse.
In that case, I would keep to your dh going by himself. That way, he doesn't gave to worry about you and the baby, stopping for feeds, changes etc. He can just go, concentrate on what he has to do, spend time with his side of the family, and then come home.
My DD was 11 weeks old when we had my uncle's funeral. It never once occurred to me to take her. I was able to express milk for dh to bottle feed. For me, the funeral was about me supporting my mum who was burying her brother. Having my very young dc there would not have helped.
I took my baby to a funeral 3 months, really didn't want to but couldnt leave her as she was demand bf.
I have to admit she was quite good, no crying but wen it got to the part where vicar asks to have a moment of silence and remember the deceased my daughter coughed and ripped a big fart there were a few giggles
Go with what your DH wants. SILs without kids don't know what they are talking about so discount immediately.
Also it may be easier for DH to support his parents with you two not there - it won't divide his emotional energy. 7 week old babies are gorgeous but suck up loads of energy when they are yours.
Your choice. Your baby is still tiny and it's a long trip. Never mind the baby, I don't think I could have managed that long in a car 7 weeks after one of my births. And ignore people saying it's a doddle. I think they forget how sleep deprived people often are with a 2 month old, and that makes the concentration needed long car journeys difficult.
I think having the baby there would be fine though. We took a baby to my gran's funeral, leaving our toddler in nursery. I took the baby out of the service because I thought he was disturbing others, and 3 people asked me why afterwards. Apparently he had hardly squeaked! We also had lots of people thanking us for bringing him to the wake.
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