For getting annoyed at someone commenting on my finances?(13 Posts)
I'm 16 weeks pregnant (unplanned) and recently my OH left me as he doesn't want a baby. I have decided to decline a job in another city (where id be living with him) so I can stay at home with family and friends who can support me as emotionally I've been struggling to cope with my relationship breakdown.
Luckily, I have enough savings to support myself and my child, plus I've decided to live with my parents for a while as next September I'm starting training in a different career (don't want to go into too much detail).
Anyway, I've been doing casual work in my friends restaurant when some of the staff aren't in, just to get me out of the house and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I have applied for lots of jobs, and I'm still doing so so that I can get enough money as I can get together, although with my savings and the fact I'm living with parents (which is lovely of them) I'll be fine, but really I want to get a routine which is why I'm eager to work and I don't really like sitting around all the time. I've signed up for voluntary work at my maternity hospital too but there's only a limited number of hours I can do, so it doesn't get me out of the house as much as I'd like.
Anyway, I don't talk about my finances to friends because I find it to be quite personal, but today a friend of mine kept telling me to 'sign on' and claim JSA. Of course as I'm looking for a job I wouldn't mind doing that, but as my academic university year has only just ended I wouldn't have been able to as I was classed as a student. This friend isn't someone I'm particularly close to but they know about me being pregnant and now single as im quite open about the situation now. He then gave me the biggest lecture on how he doesn't want me to struggle financially and he's worried I won't cope. Of course it's caring and I appreciate him looking out for me, but i told him I was fine financially I'm all good. He then had a go at me for not going on the dole now but I told him I've got job interviews coming up so I'd rather wait and see if I got anywhere with those as one is with a family friends business and they'd love to help me out, so the interview isn't really anything to be nervous of iyswim.
I politely told this friend that he needn't worry, and I fully understand what I'm entitled to but he said he couldn't see why I was refusing it. I told him I never once said I would. But there's a highly likely chance that as of next week I'd be earning money so I'd rather wait and see. I don't have a problem claiming whatever I'm entitled to as it's there to help people and it's not like I sit on my bum all day.
After him going on and on being highly condescending I snapped and said that my financial situation isn't his concern and I find it rude that he's assuming that I'm going to struggle. He just seemed to be getting far too involved and what turned into something that seemed like he was looking out for me turned into him using it as an excuse to accuse me of not wanting extra money for my baby.
After telling him that I do know what I'm doing with my money and savings and it's not his concern he just basically said 'I don't agree with what you're doing but whatever'.
I didn't want to rise to it but someone who isn't that involved in your life discussing your financial situation just doesn't sit well with me. I think it's because at first I did politely tell him it wasn't any of his business and he needn't worry but he persisted.
I didn't go mad at him or anything but it's really been playing on my mind.
AIBU for being annoyed and thinking that because I'm going be a single mum it wasn't fair that he assumed I'd let myself struggle or that I was even going to struggle in the first place? My child comes first and if I thought I couldn't cope or afford to give them everything they need them I'd seek help but I know I can. I just can't believe I've had to explain myself really. Maybe it's just my hormones and me being stressed but it really wound me up. I think it's mainly the fact he could tell I didn't really want to talk about finances because like I said its personal.
Your absolutely right, it is none of this 'friends' business.
The reality of your situation is that you are an unemployed and pregnant woman. It really would make sense to sign on for JSA, not for the pitiful sum you will get bur for the NI credits. You may well need to apply for benefits (and why shouldn't you) once baby is here. Your ex will have to contribute but sadly it isn't likely to be a lot.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I agree that claiming JSA is good for the NI credits.
But it definitely wasn't this guy's place to start trying to discuss your finances.
He should have stopped at the first point you said that all was good and not to worry. That he didn't do so, and tried to push you towards his preferred option doesn't make him sound very nice.
I've no idea why he would feel so emotionally involved in your finances. It is odd. You don't need to explain or justify yourself to him. It sounds like he could be projecting because of a previous friend or relative's experience.
So, yes he should have dropped. No YWNBU to get annoyed.
However, I would sign on to maintain NI credits. I know you are confident you will get work but tbh it might take longer than you think. I realise I have just done the exact same as your male friend ie give unwanted advice - oops!
I agree with PPs - he should have stopped yammering on when you first asked him to. I am unsure as to how claiming Maternity Allowance would work if you have had interrupted periods of work - I have no idea if a period of claiming JSA would class you as having 'earned' the minimum as far as their calculations go, but if this is what he was referring to then he should have specified rather than going on about 'not agreeing with what you're doing' which makes me think that he was just sticking his oar in rather than presenting a piece of information that you may not have been aware of.
<DoJo falls over self trying to be helpful without sounding like she's offering unwanted advice to OP >
I agree with the signing on for NI credits, the point I tried to make to him that I was waiting one whole week to do so, but since it's only been a week since my OH left I've not had much motivation if I'm honest. (Spending some time feeling sorry for myself but I'll snap out of it soon)
I just don't know why he was so emotionally involved and condescending. I love the advice and I do understand it's worth my while signing on but I felt like he went on that much that it made me not want to (sounds ridiculous and petty I know). I just really felt he was judging me or something. I think he thought I was too 'proud' to claim anything because he kept asking me what my problem with it was.. And I don't have a problem with it! I know there's a stigma attached to benefits but I feel that only applies to people who have no intention of finding work whereas for me it's a sort of stepping stone. I jus didn't appreciate the advice when I didn't ask for it, it all came out of the blue because he had a new job!
I think it's a type of sexism. if there's a man behind you, nobody ever questions what you have in your purse or what you spend it on, but if you're on your own, everybody is speculating where your money came from and judging what you spend it on. I am working now but after travel and all the other costs associated with work I'm only £30 a week better off but I feel so much freer to buy myself something and not feel that 'how did she afford that' is hanging in the air.
I appreciate the advice don't worry ha ha!! It's just the assumption I'm financially struggling and that I'm allowing myself to struggle that really got on my nerves!
"y0la* I agree. I feel like had I not been a single mum it'd be assumed that my OH would be able to pay for things, when in reality even when we were together I think I honestly paid for most.
That's the assumption I'm getting from this friend anyway.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm newly single so maybe I'm feeling under a lot of pressure I just think the last thing I need is someone telling me what to do. I think there's a huge difference between that and offering advice
If avoid signing on tbh as I've heard it's an utter ballache and a hoop-jumping excersize. I may be wrong though!
You seem to be doing really well as it is.
Congratulations and good luck with the study!
Maybe he fancies you. Sounds like an awkward attempt at being protective.
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