Can I trust him? Help!(15 Posts)
Would really appreciate any advice here.
I'm a single parent. Never thought I would have head space or time for a relationship but met an amazing guy on a blind date last Jan. Relationship pace slow as we both have a child & have both been hurt in the past. Have been camping, had some lovely times. We've recently met each other's offspring twice & slowly meeting each other's friends and it all feels good etc. I have trust issues due to past stuff in my life but have always felt able to trust him until yesterday we had a day out & he took lots of pics on his phone of us. I did too & suggested we swap phones & look at each other's pics. He was really uncomfortable with this & picked up his phone insisting he held it while we looked at the pics together.... He became serious & defensive. I asked why he was being weird. He threw the phone on the sofa saying 'go on, look. I've got nothing to hide' ...and went upstairs & stupidly I looked at his texts. He has a friend he has never introduced me to. I know they slept together a few times a year ago & I know he sees her with her daughter when he sees his son. She sounds great but whenever they spend time together he never replies to my texts. Not a biggie but I have always felt a bit unsure about their friendship ... So there were loads of texts (long, muchos kisses, never any mention of me, similar jokey and sexual inuendos to our texts etc etc.)
I immediately got upset , explained what I'd done, asked him about their friendship. Denial, anger, defensiveness & a horrible few hours to follow basically.
I should not have looked at his phone. I feel like such an insecure & weak person now. I can't handle feeling like this again after being stung badly in the past.
I have asked him if I can meet her & if she knows I exist? I feel like the relationship (which has only been 5 months but has been one of the best I can remember!) is in tatters... Am I being unreasonable to end it on this text thing? I can put myself through the pain of being hurt again. I've barely slept so apologies for any ranting or bits that are vague.
Thank you for reading.
I think his behaviour has been quite telling. Seems like this woman is more than a friend. And the whole defensiveness around the phone would be a flag for me.
honestly daisy I would end it you are setting yourself up for further heartbreak here. I can't see how you'd trust him. why does he not text bavk when he is with her.
that rings alarm bells to me.
are you the clingy type.
Was there anything incriminating? I send flirty texts to my female friends - hello sexy lady etc. But wouldn't make jokes about getting kit off. Oh I have in the past actually... Is there any suggestion that anything has happened recently?
My DH never used to text back when out with his son, and friends (male and female) and their children. Just because they were busy.
But he wouldn't be defensive about his phone.
Did you look at the rest of his pictures? As it seemed to be that rather than texts which he was worried about?
I would ditch him. He was cagey because he was hiding something.
You found it.
Everyone's got their boundaries. Don't lower yours for this guy otherwise youre living with trust issues that he has caused.
I hate people wanting to go through my phone. Nothing to hide, it's a personal space thing. He assumed, correctly that you actually wanted to go through his phone, so he must already be aware you don't trust him.
No one here can tell you to trust him or not. But you should figure it our before you are involved in each others children's lives.
So is he going to arrange for you to meet her?
God, you are going to have so many 'you should never have looked at his phone' posters but in all honestly, I would have done the same following this kind of behaviour....
I have been in a very similar position to you with my DH. We were not in a committed, public and 'official' relationship but we both knew that we had strong feelings for one another but were too afraid to say. Anyhow, it turned out the worse, yes he was texting his exgf flirtatiously and there was a denial of any relationship with me. I was distraught and it finished. When the situation diffused, I realised that I was still in 'contact' with some male friends who I then realised didn't see me as a 'friend' as such, and the tone was more than friendship. I shouldn't have been doing that and I imagine that had he would not have appreciated some of the messages I was taking part in either if he knew.
6 months later, we couldn't keep away from one another, we began seeing one another again after the 6 month split, I would still have the odd message from an old male friend, and once or twice considered replying thinking, 'what is the harm? I don't mean anything by it' but then I thought better and realised my relationship was worth much more. I believe DH is also on exactly the same page as me. Now I am in the most secure relationship I have ever been in. We were both not in great places before but now three years on we are married and expecting our first child. Never been so happy. Don't get me wrong, I still have the very rare odd moment of niggling doubt because of our past but you just have to let it go or you will never be happy.
Sorry this response has turned into my experience, but sometimes I think if you look at it from the outside in, it helps. The most important thing is to talk and keep talking, and know where you both are with your relationship. Is your relationship definitely 'defined' as a relationship? Have you talked about boundaries and such things?
Hope this works out for you OP
I can see where you are coming from. I had major trust issues because of my past nothing to do with the curent situation.
I have nothing to hide but as previously said I don't like people going through my phone. I talked openly about my insecurities 4 years on we are happily married. I do still have the odd flip out especially when his exw starts texting.
I hope everything works out for you
I wouldn't let anyone go through my phone/pics on my phone
Stuff can be private without it being incriminating. I would be the one ending it if you'd put me in a positing where I was forced to show
You my phone and then had my texts read.
I really appreciate your comments & advice & your taking the time to add to the thread.
Yes, we're in a 'relationship' although we don't label ourselves (feels odd before he's met my daughter properly) but are committed.
Am I clingy? Have been in the past when being a bit lost & crapped on from a great height!
Part of me feels like I'm totally not ready to be in this relationship. My life is really busy and my head space for any weird sh*t is very minimal!
But Glinda, I appreciate you taking about your experience & perhaps some space is what we need. Let him go. See if he flies back.
We're supposed to be going out tonight to meet up with some of his best mates who I haven't met properly... (Not including Miss text lady) but I'm thinking get some girls round for some vino & chats instead. Anyone else got any experience of time apart resulting in good things?
His dodgy behaviour was proven by the dodgy texts. I wouldn't pursue this, doubt has already been planted in your mind about him. And his whole attitude, you don't need that crap.
But it depends on what the texts said, and his motives.
I wouldn't want to give my phone to a newish partner either, mostly because I have an embarrassing Google history: "Definition of 'show one's arse?'", "Chaka Demus and Pliers - where are they now?", "Rafe Spall's wife" etc.
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