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AIBU re school cliques

(19 Posts)
jammiesplodgers Thu 02-Jul-15 16:21:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WipsGlitter Thu 02-Jul-15 16:24:45

Can you speak to the teacher. As long as he's not alone in school is it not ok? I try to be friendly with all the mums. I know there's sleepovers and play dates and such shite stuff but I don't want to get on that treadmill.

Out of school I want it to be family activities.

Tuskerfull Thu 02-Jul-15 16:29:24

I would just keep inviting the other children to play dates with yours (the ones your children want to play with, obviously) and not worry about whether it's returned or not. Anyway, if they become good enough friends then the other children will start saying "mummy, can Jammiesplodger Junior come and play soon?"

Heels99 Thu 02-Jul-15 16:30:23

Keep inviting. Invite parents as well, have a bbq or coffee at your house. Say that you are new and want to get to know people. Join pta they alway need helpers!
New family here just invited others from school round for drinks and cakes one weekend afternoon.
Also is there a facebook group for parents, ask to be added.
Good luck

Fatmomma99 Thu 02-Jul-15 16:40:33

Agree to keep inviting. You're lovely to be so supportive of your DC.

Are there any out of school clubs etc they could join? And maybe make some friends that way?

jammiesplodgers Thu 02-Jul-15 16:43:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LashesandLipstick Thu 02-Jul-15 16:46:10

YANBU school gate cliques are foul.

I'd suggest looking for some nice activities you can get your child to do. do any of your older DCs friends have siblings the same age as your youngest? Perhaps you could invite both over next time?

Scholes34 Thu 02-Jul-15 17:08:12

It'll change soon enough. By year 2, a lot of friendships are still engineered by parents, but your child will move on and establish their own friendships and arrange themselves to play with friends after school or ask you to make the arrangements.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Thu 02-Jul-15 17:22:32

Not much advice but lots of sympathy. My dd's school is very similar.

One thing though, my dd has a couple of friends who don't attend her school so I really nurture those friendships as nothing that goes on at school affects them.

WipsGlitter Thu 02-Jul-15 17:34:51

A friend who moved really worked to make friends for her and her son. She accepted every invite and organised lots of stuff. With the friendliest mums could you suggest picnic at the park or similar?

NRomanoff Thu 02-Jul-15 17:40:46

Helping out at the school will help.

Dd joined this school in year 5, making friends was difficult her and for me. Even though I was not that fussed about making friends. After helping out a few times I'm school I met and got on with other mums in her class, made the whole thing eaiser.

I feltore comfortable as there wasn't thirty parents to handle at once. Personally I now make an effort to chat to mums of new children

Topseyt Thu 02-Jul-15 17:43:03

I am sooooo glad I no longer have to do the school run, as DD3 is nearing the end of year 8 now.

Cliques are awful. I like to think I tried to be as inclusive as possible where I could.

As others say though, pretty soon kids will start picking and choosing for themselves.

Speak to the class teacher to see how things are really going in school, and to see if there is any way they can think of to help.

You will be happier when your youngest is more settled and then it will matter much less what the other mums are doing at the gates.

If I am honest, I steered clear of most of the cliques. The politics between them were unbelievable anyway.

Permanentlyexhausted Thu 02-Jul-15 17:49:08

Wips's idea is a good one. It's summer and mostly good weather at the moment. Why not say to several of the other mums that you are going to the park for a picnic tea after school tomorrow and taking bikes/scooters/footballs, and that they are welcome to join you so the kids can let off steam together.

jammiesplodgers Fri 03-Jul-15 09:13:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heels99 Fri 03-Jul-15 10:03:13

You need to be more proactive. Ideal orotundity with summer hols, ask the mums of the kids your children play with for their numbers so you can arrange play dates in the hols., " dd would love it if xxx could come and play in the hols, can I take your number to organise something'.

Did you ask whether they have a facebook group?
Did you give any thought to hosting a couple of families at your house or suggesting park after school?
Did you enquire about PTA?

It is hard, we moved and knew no-one, it was trial and error, had plenty play dates with families who never invited back, had people round for cakes etc who never invite us back. It took me a year to filter through the parents at school and establish friendships. Now we socialise with parents, got two families coming over this weekend, days out in summer hols etc but you will have to do the running and the hosting and understand that you invite five people who may get one invite back. But you have nothing to lose.
End of term is ideal, I invited a couple of friends per child plus their parents to end of term play/picnic in the garden at my house. You need to organise some things and get some numbers before school shuts for summer or else, you are right, your kids won't see their school plas all summer and you will feel more isolated.

Is there an end of term mums drinks? Ask! If there isn't,organise one!

Heels99 Fri 03-Jul-15 10:06:12

Also, when you say 'the mums have picked put who they want to be friends with outside school'. You are making out they are nasty, in fact these women may have known eachother since ante natal days! They have been friends for years. That doesn't mean that they can't make a new friend. And they can't all be in a clique of 29 parents! Use being new to your advantage ' what's on in the summer hols for kids round here' etc.
good luck

Iggi999 Fri 03-Jul-15 10:09:28

Does your youngest have friends to play with during the school day? From your OP it sounds like there are, but after school they only play with some. I wouldn't give a shit about that tbh. After school they can play with siblings, go to clubs (or errands) with you, just laze about at home.
I could no more jump to the moon than walk up to groups of people in my playground and invite them to a summer picnic. I do think less of people who don't consider that they could say a friendly word to someone standing alone, before joining their friendship group. It's a lot easier for those people to speak to a new person than vice versa.
It really is all a load of crap though, unless your children are unhappy try not to get sucked in yourself. You left school (and all that shit) behind you a long time ago!

TheRealMaryMillington Fri 03-Jul-15 10:18:32

I don't think thinking about this as "cliques" is helping you, in fact it is probably skewing your perspective and reinforcing the problem. So some people know each other and socialise….so what? You are (still) the new person, you have to be the proactive one and it will take time. You are right to an extent that adults will get together out of habit but that doesn't meant there isn't space for new friendships.

Perhaps your LO just hasn't found his/her people yet but they definitely start picking their own mates by Juniors. I would just keep inviting people over and show them a good time - and let LO decide who to ask. There are a million reasons why invitations don't get reciprocated - time being the main one.

Tangerineandturquoise Fri 03-Jul-15 10:20:38

flowers I am sorry you feel like shit. It isn't nice.
Does the school get bigger/change in year 3? I think that is the stage where more independent friendships get made, and it is just a few more weeks to go.
The move up to KS2 means parents tend to take a step back in the playground and that may make a difference.
At my DSs old school everyone had known each other through NCT, Nursery/Day care, starting school etc and it was hard to break into that, because although some mums were lovely and friendly they were bound into a group that it was hard to break in to or for them to step away from.
I do think/hope it will be easier for you next year.

You do sound very fragile though- are you feeling low about things in general?

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