To throw my son out?(29 Posts)
He's 19 and my oldest. He did dreadfully in his GCSE's, then got an apprenticeship at a relatives company, despite not having good enough GCSE results, messed that up and is now working in a shop part time, a job that I got him through a friend. He will not do anything about getting a better job or going to college, he has all the time in the world apparently.
He's got a girlfriend who lives a couple of hours away and now it seems his sole aim in life is to see her as much as possible. So he's started going there in between his work days. When he is here he's tired and grumpy and although he does a little to help around the house is moody about it/has started being rude to me. He pays no rent, which was initially as he was helping with the younger DC so I could attend hospital appointments etc and some evening babysitting.
He was meant to get back from his girlfriends last night, which is usually around midnight. I waited up until 2am in case he didn't have a key and he didn't come back. I text and got no reply and have tried phoning this morning. No answer. He eventually text saying he'd decided to stay an extra couple of days as his girlfriend 'needed' him and he can't answer his phone.
I have also gone in his room this morning an found rizlas and lighters (where the younger DC could reach them) and letters from his girlfriend mentioning taking ketamine and 'getting fucked' (the drug kind, not the sex kind).
I am furious and devastated. This is fairly typical of his recent behaviour and all I ask is that he lets me know his plans, which he can't even be bothered to do. I am on the verge of throwing him out, but I feel like that's a terrible thing to do.
In my opinion, you wouldn't be unreasonable to throw him out, but could you issue an ultimatum first, or have you tried that?
he's 19. He has plenty of time to grow up and enter the real world
he has a job so take rent off of him if you need to.
speak with him about drug use and try to lay the foundations of an open and honest dialogue between you.
This is undoubtedly an irritating phase. he'll grow out of it. You're his mother and he's barely an adult.
man the fuck up and support your child.
Give the kid a chance, why is he like this?
And, what the fuck are you doing reading his mail?
He's not a child, he's an adult. Time he grew up. OP I don't think you should stick all his stuff in bin bags on the front step but equally stop babying him.
If he wants to live with you he needs to pay a proper rent - he's a grown up.
He doesn't need to tell you where he is - he's grown up.
You don't have to wait up til 2am in case he forgot his key - he's a grown up.
You don't need to do his washing or cook for him - he's a grown up.
He is in charge of his career plans (but no cadging money off you) - he's a grown up.
TBH this stage is usually a lot easier and less painful if (wo)man child isn't living at home, so if he moans when you tell him the new rules suggest he finds a place.
Talk to him. Explain what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable if he wants to remain living in your house, eating your food, having his clothes washed for him. He is old enough to get a job and contribute to the household. Explain what the consequences will be if he doesn't comply with a few simple rules - letting people know what time roughly he will be back or if he's staying out, not leaving lighters where the younger DC can get them etc.
I know this isn't what you want your son to be doing. But throwing him out for this seems a bit extreme. It's really not great behaviour, but it's not awful behaviour.
Sounds like fairly typical behaviour/attitude for a 19 year old.
I don't think chucking him out is the solution and as for reading his letters, why did you do that??
Well, I haven't been in your position and it must be very hard, worrying for their future and thinking you'll have to look after them forever, I can see that.
It must seem all out of control and out of your hands. You just need to keep talking and see what he says. He still is quite young. And it this world must seem a grim prospect to his generation when he looks around at the generation before a lot of whom did very well thank you very much and this lot are left with, not so much.
However hard, he is yours and you and he need to find a way together to manage this man/child stage of semi dependent adult. I bet it's vile but everything can change. My sis adores the ground her kids walk on, when her big lad comes home from away she kills the fatted calf. I think she'd be happy if he lived with her forever, not that he does. What i mean is, whatever they need she will do for them for as long as they need it. I don't know what's right but if your mum isn't there for you, you're pretty screwed.
But I say all this while acknowledging that I haven't been in your shoes!
I wouldn't tell him you read his private letters, forget about that. You will lose the moral high ground and the conversation will be about that.
I think barbarian says it all. He's an adult, treat him like one. If he doesn't like it, he'll move on by himself.
I read his mail to try and find out where he might be, seeing as he wasn't answering his phone. He ended up being arrested and cautioned for drug use which was what ended his apprenticeship and I have tried my best to support him since then, finding work experience etc. I struggle financially as my husband left last year and Two of my other children are disabled/have special needs which means I am their carer and can't work. I am also very ill myself and undergoing hospital treatment.
I've tried talking to him repeatedly. I've tried giving him warnings. I'm heartbroken, he is my son and I love him no matter what he has done, but I don't want drugs or anything to do with them in my house and I can't cope with his selfish behaviour.
He's more likely to learn to be a grown up if he moves out, isn't he? Can he not rent a room in a shared house? Maybe if he has only his own money to rely on, he'll take steps to get a better job.
oh those are extreme circumstances.
He somehow needs to wake up, smell the coffee and work out a way to help you more.
Is there anyone who could sit with you while you put all this on the table, like a loved uncle or an aunt who could persuade him to sit and talk?
I would read his letters too given the scenario you've set out. How about he gets his own place with his own front door and then he can keep all his mail private.
You shouldn't have to put up with that
He needs a serious talking to and an ultimatum
Letters... I didn't even know kids these days did letters, isn't it all IM's and Texts and Whatsapps?
Anyway, I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your situation. On one hand, he is your kid and it sounds a lot like typical teen behaviour, but on the other hand I would be sorely disappointed if my DD grew up to be like that.
Whatever the case, I don't think throwing him out is your best foot forward.
His girlfriend writes him letters? I know this isn't the point at all, but I didn't know anyone under about 50 still wrote letters!
OK. So that last paragraph is all he needs to hear.
Son, I love you. But I cannot cope with your current behaviour, not and look after myself and the 2 little ones. Shape up or ship out
Oh, and cry when you say it. No stiff upper lipping to save his feelings. He needs to come face to face with the consequences of his actions... and it seems that you keep on catching him when he falls. Try really hard to stop doing that... you have to do what is best for everyone, including yourself.
<<if your mum isn't there for you, you're pretty screwed.>>
Yes but being 'there for you' does not mean enabling you to remain stuck between childhood and adulthood. It really doesn't. It's his life and you have to hand over the controls and the responsibility. It's hard but the alternative (spending your life bailing them out and protecting them from their own mistakes) is so, so much worse.
Trust me. This is the voice of bitter experience.
Ah - your circumstances change things a lot.
Nigel has a good suggestion, of another family member or close friend helping to mediate?
On one hand, it might be difficult for your son. It sounds like there is a lot going on in the family, with his dad leaving, his mum being ill and two of his siblings needing extra care. Teenagers don't always respond rationally to this, and being with his girlfriend a lot and doing drugs may be his way of dealing with things. I really don't have any experience at all with this, but when I read your second post my first thought was that, possibly, he is finding things hard to deal with? Not that that helps you at all.
I would suggest having that calm and adult conversation with him. Explain how difficult things are and how much you would appreciate some support through his behaviour improving. See if you, or another family member, can find a way of making a connection and explaining things to him in a way he can understand and appreciate.
But failing that you have too much going on at home to cope with this too. Is there anyone else he can live with for a time?
my immediate thought was 'druggie' and now you've confirmed it.
tell him how it is. Tell him what you want to change, give him a short time to change it, and if
when he doesn't, tell him he is leaving.
oh, and make sure he understands that ketamine is a horse anaesthetic and if abused, kills quite often.
I feel for you. I can emphasise with you wholeheartedly. I have a ds who will be 18 on Saturday.
GCSE's just scraped through with 5 at C but failed the others, predicted a's and b's. Has a part time job but surprised he till has it. If I didn't get him up and take him he wouldn't go. Spends his money as soon as he gets it, so is always asking for money. Is very likely to fail the college course that he's been doing for the past two years. He has work to hand in on 18th July and I haven't seen him do a single piece of work.
He shares a room with his 13yr old brother and it drives ds2 mad as ds1 is so messy and comes in late and will wake ds2 up, by turning on the tv, ps4 or talking on his phone, etc. Makes a total mess of the bedroom, crisp packets, plates, empty bottles of coke/dr pepper, socks, underwear clothes everywhere. Will lose his expensive headphones and then steal ds2's. will take any money ds2 leaves on the side even 50p. 20p etc.
Its not fair on ds2 to leave the room as it is and not force ds1 to clean his mess or give him a curfew, he will always push the curfew as well, so he'll say he will be home at 10 and then roll in 10.45. He doesn't have a key as he has lost 5/6 keys now. have told him to get a new one cut every payday and he still hasn't.
failed his 3rd theory test today as he didn't study even once, hasn't even opened the book, missed a driving lesson yesterday because he forgot! I pay for the lessons they were paid for in advance as its a friends husband and he gave us a good deal. so has wasted my money.
so I your ds is half as bad as my ds then I fully understand you wanting to ask him to move out. I have told ds1 today that he needs to get a full time job and pay rent (yes we need the money)
sorry didn't mean to monopolise talking about my ds. But needless to say you have my sympathy.
No matter what, you shouldn't read his mail. You shouldn't have to know where he is all the time either.
For the rest of it, he sounds selfish and kicking him out would do him good.
He could be part of the solution though. The girl and the drugs are escaping from a load of tough things, illness in the family, loss of his dad - a massive thing for that age, he may not have a role model that would show him what to do here.
There may be a way to turn him into a helpful presence. It would be worth really giving that a shot first. Is there another family member he respects? Or a family friend who could give some guidance?
Where is his dad in all this? Head up arse? Sorry, but men so often seem to fail their boys.
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