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to panic about leaving?

(14 Posts)
MrsHuxtableReturns Thu 02-Jul-15 12:25:23

Re-posting here for traffic.

I've been married a few years, two small DH. Wanted to split up for a while but didn't know how to as a part-time SAHM. Family has no, through financial support, made it possible for me to move out in the near future.

But now I'm panicking. Total heart racing, can't breathe terror. I'm in a different country from all my family, I have nobody here besides H, he's all I've known for the lat 10 years. I'm fucking terrified.

Is this feeling normal? Maybe I'm just not capable of going it alone. I've fantasized about leaving so much recently and I was calm about it. Now this.

If you felt like this before leaving, what did you do? How did it turn out?

PurpleWithRed Thu 02-Jul-15 12:32:35

Of course it's normal, it's a big step especially for someone in your situation. Let yourself have a little panic then make yourself calm down. Focus on each baby step but remember why you're doing it and how wonderful it will be when it's done.

And breathe....

pinkdelight Thu 02-Jul-15 12:37:47

YANBU at all. It hasn't happened to me - hopefully others will come by to reassure you with their positive experiences and more practical advice - but the physical symptoms you describe are what would happen to anyone facing an unknown, challenging situation. The heart racing, the breathing, it doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing at all. It's just adrenalin, gearing you up to go through with it. Keep breathing deeply, telling yourself you can do this, tuning out those negative voices trying to keep you stuck in the rut.

You're a capable woman who knows her own mind and who can take care of herself and her children. It's okay to be terrified before making the leap, but also have the faith in yourself to do it, get through it and come out the other side feeling much stronger. Take care and good luck... and if it gives you a smile, I nearly spat my diet shake all over the laptop at the thought of having two small DHs! smile

BeenWondering Thu 02-Jul-15 12:41:41

Your feelings are entirely normal. H is all you've know for the last 10 years and you're in a different country from all your family so of course you are feeling panicked.

It's going to be a major change but if you've been thinking about leaving then it's time to get your ducks in a row. If you can, report this thread to be moved to the Relationships board and elaborate a bit more on your situation. You'll find no-end of support.

MrsHuxtableReturns Thu 02-Jul-15 12:45:19

pinkdelight, I just imagined 2 small DHs and it made me laugh through the tears.

I don't know what I expected. Relief? Excitement?

I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing at all anymore. I know I don't love my H like that anymore and I'm unhappy living with him. But it feels safe mostly.

MrsHuxtableReturns Thu 02-Jul-15 12:47:21

I posted on Relationships first but nobody has replied yet. And I needed someone now.

pinkdelight Thu 02-Jul-15 13:00:30

What feels dangerous about the alternative? Apart from it being unknown. You can make your own safe place in the world, his isn't the only one, and you know it's not the right reason to stay. It's just normal doubts I'm sure. It sounds to me like you've made the decision to go, as you're not going into the reasons and background etc. So you've done the truly difficult bit. Now it's more logistics and sticking with your decision. And not panicking! I guess if it was two small DHs, it might be slightly more bearable...

MrsHuxtableReturns Thu 02-Jul-15 13:08:14

I'm scared of being judged for leaving, of upsetting the DC.

I hate change and the unpredictable.

Yes, I'm pretty sure I've made the decision. Sometimes, when H and I rub along ok without major arguments for a couple of days, I start doubting myself and think maybe I can stick this out, we live separate lives anyway, sleep in separate rooms etc.

But I'm only 32. So not arguing majorly for a few days in a row is a pretty low standard to accept and settle for I suppose.

pinkdelight Thu 02-Jul-15 14:01:02

Your marriage doesn't sound like the right kind of safe to settle for. Arguments, separate beds etc. Unpredictable and change sounds like a good thing rather than dangerous, gives you much more of a shot at happiness. The DC will adapt, as will you at 32. The Relationships forum has many threads with women leaving marriages after decades and being much better for it. Also many stories of DC still thriving. Not saying there won't be upset, clearly that's unavoidable and very hard, but it sounds like it will be worth it.

pinkdelight Thu 02-Jul-15 14:03:26

As for being judged, sorry, but bollocks to that as a top reason for staying. Easy to say I know, but really, you know that's no way to define yourself.

MrsHuxtableReturns Thu 02-Jul-15 18:48:54

I feel selfish mostly. H says I'm selfish anyway. And that I won't cope without him. I'm scared he's right.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Thu 02-Jul-15 19:02:11

Of course you'll cope.

You have coped with a life in a different country where a good week is one with only a couple of major arguments with the person who should be providing your emotional support.

You are obviously capable of toughing out difficult situations. You'll be fine.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Thu 02-Jul-15 19:04:46

If you are selfish then sparing him any more time with you is the kindest thing. However I suspect "selfish" means not always doing exactly what he wants.

Icelandicsuperyoghurt Thu 02-Jul-15 19:16:48

I remember the time just after I knew I needed to leave as being THE hardest and scariest part of the whole thing.

Especially if you've been told you won't or can't cope. Just what my ex told me. Turns out I can cope just fine and have over the years since leaving become a stronger more resilient and happier person.

The BIGGEST regret I have, is not doing it much much earlier. I stuck in a horrible marriage for 23 years and that makes me so angry with myself for not being able to find the strength and courage to do it at least 10 years before. I feel I've wasted so much of my life living with a dishonest, arrogant and destructive twat who I let wreck me. If MN had been around then, I think (and hope) people on here would have helped me realise it WAS doable and WAS the best thing.

You aren't being selfish and it will be better for your DC to not grow up around discontented, arguing parents. My DD is about to be a parents herself but still remembers that I never said I loved her Dad (because I couldn't say it and lie) and didn't sleep in the same room and that it upset her.

I truly now believe the saying (not quite sure who said it) that "You never know how strong you are, until the only choice you have is to be strong." You can do this. It will feel frightening and overwhelming but that doesn't mean you can't get through it.

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