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To be fed up and upset about dp's attitude towards me?

(135 Posts)
Marilynz Wed 01-Jul-15 04:42:15

On Monday, DP and I get back from a tiring and stressful (but fun) camping trip. Ever since, he's been an arsehole and I'm fed up. It started on Monday when he called me into the dining room to look at some photos of the trip. Before he put the photos on the computer, he answered a message on Skype. So, without reading the message, I said "oh is that DSS (I knew it must have been and he's the only person he talks to on Skype), how is he?" I ask. By this point my son had also enterered the room to look at the pics. DP snapped "he's fine!". confused when my ds left the room, dP launched a verbal confrontation with me saying the conversation was private and he doesn't want me questioning him about his son!! I said I'd only asked how he was!! He snapped back that the issue was that I'd asked in front on my son confused. Anyway he rattled on and on, despite me saying I wasn't interested in the contents of the convo, I was literally just asking how the lad (who's 18) was!! He wouldn't back down, continued to insist I was out of order and I should understand why etc etc hmm I refused to argue with him and just said he'd took it the wrong way and I didn't wish to discuss it further ffs, but I was upset.
Last night was awful. We'd both been at work all day, I came home, went back out to shop and did a weeks shopping, came back, made tea for everyone (all whist dP is playing on the computer!) and later gave him a random foot massage whilst we watched tv. We went to bed smiling. Now, we have two bathrooms upstairs, the main one and the en suite. I don't use the main one unless I'm getting a bath so bypassed it on the way to bed and got ready in the ensuite. I noticed it smelt a bit and that someone had opened the window. "Someone has shit in the ensuuite right before bedtime, how irritating" I thought and made a mental note to speak to DS about being more considerate. Then, I hear all this moaning and complaining coming from the landing where dp has gone off on one about the state of the main bathroom (which I hadn't been in remember). Apparently ds had taken a shit in there, not flushed it and left it in s state. Ffs I think and make another mental note to go ape at him in the morning as he is old enough to know better. With that, dP bursts into the bedroom and launches into a full scale verbal attack on me, saying I'd ignored it and should have sorted it myself. I told him I hadn't been in there and he retorts that as usual, I'd walked past a bathroom which was obviously in a state because I couldn't be arsed. He tells me he's not a fucking mug and things need to change as he's sick of me and my "fucking posse" being selfish and lazy and expecting him to be a "fucking mug". shock I was taken aback by all this because I honestly hadn't done anything wrong! I hadn't noticed it was in a state as I assumed the smell was coming from the ensuuite (especially as the window was open) but he wouldn't stop attacking me. I chose not to argue back (speechless more like!) and said he should just have spoken to me, not laid into me full force. He refused to back down so I just said goodnight to him. A few minutes later I went to hug him and he said he was far too angry with me and would have to go without a hug hmm he called me lazy and said he was sick of me. I was really upset, we'd gone upstairs fine and he just turned on me like that. Fucking lazy after I'd done the shopping and cooked his tea after been at work all day and then refusing to hug me goodnight?? And after last nights episode I'm sick to death of being his verbal punch bag! Actually quite upset still, could barely sleep all night, 4.30 am and I'm sat posting about it on mumsnet because I can't get it out of my head. I'm exhausted :-(

Canyouforgiveher Wed 01-Jul-15 04:54:17

well I'd be gone - or would raise such a ruckus about this that it would be a major issue that would need a lot of resolving.

Sorry if that is too dismissive but in 20 plus years of marriage and many many difficult situations/confrontations (we have had knock down drag out fights about serious issues in our lives) my husband has never ever said he was sick of me or called me fucking lazy or used any of the contemptuous, abusive language your partner used to you - nor has he ever launched a verbal attack. Nor have I to him. I love him so why would I? We fight about things but not like that.

He sounds like he is trying to make you angry or hurt you.

I hope you dont have a child with him. If you don't just start planning to leave right now. lots of better guys out there. Or better to be on your own.

And your ds deserves better too. You certainly do.

One of the best things I ever learned in life was that people take you at your own valuation. Value yourself and your son and your life and your happiness very highly and judge accordingly.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 01-Jul-15 04:56:00

and also so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you the best. I do hope you make yourself a priority in this and don't put up with any old shit.

I have teenage daughters and god I would hate if either of them was in this relationship.

MythicalKings Wed 01-Jul-15 05:01:35

This manis abusive. Please think about getting yourself and your DS out of this horrible situation.

He doesn't love you, you must know that.

Meandyou150 Wed 01-Jul-15 05:07:03

Sorry OP he sounds like a controlling, aggressive nasty piece of work.

Sorry to say but I wouldn't stay in this kind of relationship

Marilynz Wed 01-Jul-15 05:09:35

We're getting married in May yet every time we have a disagreement he brings the entire relationship into question and threatens to finish it. Our last argument (before all this) resulted in him actually telling me it's over, after he knew I'd spent all day researching our honeymoon destination. It's like he knows that the one way to get to me is to threaten me with ending the relationship, almost like a control method. "You will confirm or else" so to speak. I'm honestly feeling exhausted with it all, he's so unpredictable. I find myself making plans in my head about the best way to avoid arguments and he comes at it from a different angle and leaves me dazed and wondering how to avoid it in future but it's him starting all the arguments, I'm powerless

dollius Wed 01-Jul-15 05:31:34

Do NOT marry this horrible man. Please.

temporarilyjerry Wed 01-Jul-15 05:40:59

So after his verbal abuse, you tried to hug him? Why?

You're not married yet and already you're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid arguments. I bet he hasn't had a sleepless night.

You're not powerless, Marilyn.

Charley50 Wed 01-Jul-15 05:44:23

Sorry I agree that he's nasty and abusive towards you and your last post shows this is a regular occurance. You don't have to marry him, or even be with him. He called
you lazy after you'd done a days work, a weeks shopping, cooked dinner and gave him a fucking foot massage!! What a cheek. I bet you carried the shopping in too. If you are scared of what to say to him it's time to rethink the relationship.

birobenny Wed 01-Jul-15 05:45:41

Cut your losses now or spend the next 10? 20? years like this, wait until you are worn down to nothing and then cut your losses.

Sorry but I don't think men like this change.

Marilynz Wed 01-Jul-15 05:46:52

Because after our last argument we had a heart to heart and tried to discuss the things that really upset us that we wanted each other to work on. One of mine was that I hated going to bed on an argument and even a quick goodnight hug before sleep would make me feel much more loved. He promised he would never again refuse a hug. Maybe I was testing him. And not at all surprised by the result.

Thing is, today I can see clearly that he's a massive knob but by tonight/tomorrow he will have convinced me that it's all my fault and if I changed MY ways, things would be much better. I know it's bullshit, but I always seem to start believing it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 01-Jul-15 05:47:37

It's not almost a control method it's absolutely a control method. He sounds like an absolute bully - please reconsider marrying him

Mehitabel6 Wed 01-Jul-15 05:48:12

You are not powerless at all. You tell him that it is over. He has shown you what he is like and he will only get worse. Added to that he doesn't like your son.

KitCat26 Wed 01-Jul-15 05:48:43

What is it people say on here, when someone shows you who they really are, listen to them.

To blow up over nothing, swear at you, be aggressive and threaten to break off your engagement unless you conform- that is not normal behaviour from a loving partner. It sounds like he wants to break it off but wants you to be the one to do it.

You are not powerless, you don't have to marry him or be with him. Love is not this.

Mehitabel6 Wed 01-Jul-15 05:50:54

He is abusive. That is a typical method to get you under control. He is succeeding. You are not the one at fault and you shouldn't have to watch what you say.

petitepeach Wed 01-Jul-15 05:54:51

Sorry - why would you want to live with a man like this let alone marry him?

He sounds like a disrespectful, bullying lazy fuckwit.......

Horrible to you and your son and emotionally abusive to boot.....

Planning a wedding should be a lovely time..... Please don't waste yourself on this person you and your son deserve to be treated with respect and to be happy in your own home.....

If you had a daughter and she was with him would you be happy?

Hope you have the strength to tell him to fuck off - men like this do not change.... Save yourself years of misery...
flowers

Marilynz Wed 01-Jul-15 05:55:02

It IS over nothing isn't it?

The lines have been so blurred this past year or so that I'm starting to lose touch with normal relationship behaviours.

IMO, the sensible way to approach last night would have been for him to come in and say "that bathroom is a right state, can you tell your DS to sort it?" and I would have done.

But to come in and go absolutely mental and more or less threaten the entire relationship over it, as well as insult me when I hadn't actually done anything is fucking out of order. I would NEVER speak to him like that. Yeah I can be snappy, arsey, self centered and stubborn but to fly into a rage instantly at HIM and threaten him, insult him over something his kid had done? wouldn't even enter my head.

paxtecum Wed 01-Jul-15 05:55:12

Marilynz, you really need to get rid of him.
This relationship will never work however hard you try because he will never, ever change.

You really need to convince yourself that he is an arsehole.
If you had a daughter would you want her to be treated like he treats you?

Call the wedding off.

Whose house are you living in?
Start thinking about the practicalities of splitting up.

Keep posting on here for advice.

You and your DCs will have such a good life without him.

ilovesooty Wed 01-Jul-15 05:57:13

He's a bully and an abuser. Fuck him threatening to end the relationship - you need to be kicking him out so fast he doesn't know what's hit him.

Quite apart from anything else, no way should you have to beg for respect and affection.

Marilynz Wed 01-Jul-15 05:57:44

It's his house. I've invested money into it but have no legal right to any of it as a) we're not married and b) I'm not on the deeds or mortgage. This is something we are supposedly sorting out in October so maybe that's why he's turning into king arsehole, the time is approaching isn't it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 01-Jul-15 06:00:44

i've invested money into it but have no legal right to any of it as a) we're not married and b) I'm not on the deeds or mortgage

Oh god why does anyone do that? Do you have any proof of it - bank transfer or anything?

MokunMokun Wed 01-Jul-15 06:03:22

Can you get legal advice on that now?

DocHollywood Wed 01-Jul-15 06:03:42

Jeez, your other thread was bad enough! Now I've read this you seriously need to gain some control back, pack your things or his and move on. Under no circumstances go through with the wedding. Don't engage, don't pander, calmly say it's over. You deserve someone who loves you and he clearly doesn't.

petitepeach Wed 01-Jul-15 06:04:16

Cut your losses....

Move out take your stuff, hopefully you can stay with someone until you can rent somewhere.....

He holds all the cards at the moment and will continue to use them against you.......

Visualise how happy your life will be without him...... You don't need him... He is undermining you and manipulating you..... People in love do not behave this way!

This is not a happy loving relationship..... But YOU deserve one!!

Leave and don't look back or listen to any more of his crap....

DocHollywood Wed 01-Jul-15 06:06:09

And his house, why can't he clean his own fucking bathrooms?

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