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To be upset,, embarrassed and ashamed of this situation?

(98 Posts)
AshamedEmbarrassedAndAll Tue 30-Jun-15 23:18:22

I have namechanged as in all honesty I feel utterly ashamed of this situation and am very upset.

DD is 6 and is in year 1 at school. At the beginning of reception she became friends with another girl. The mum chatted to me a lot and we met up a few times with the girls, but the mum was extremely full on, eg she told me after she'd known me for a few weeks that I was one of her best friends, and she wanted constant text contact throughout the day and wanted to see me every day.

It was all very demanding and I didn't feel comfortable so I disengaged with her a bit, but was of course still polite and friendly. And by this stage DD and her DD had drifted anyway and each seemed to have other friends at school.

It all resulted anyway in her marching up to me at collection one day and shouting loudly in front of others calling me a terrible friend, as well as other not very nice names. Followed up by several telephone calls telling me not to ever speak to her again, as well as threats such as this is only the beginning of it all and I would soon find out what it was like to have her as an enemy! I tried a couple of times to smooth things over but she didn't answer her phone when I called and ignored me when I tried to speak to her in person, so I just left it and have not spoken to her since.

She, however, has not let it go and has basically harrassed me throughout the past 18 months. She is, unfortunately, one of those mums that absolutely has to be best mates with everyone, and has to know everyone else's business. She seems to have made it her mission to slag me off (loudly, so that I can hear presumably!) whenever I am around. She arranges group nights out for the other mums, which of course I am not invited to. And large birthday parties for her daughter; this year the whole class was invited except for my DD! Her DD also goes to every possible local club imaginable and so it restricts me from sending my DD as I would just be hassled by her there. Oh and I can't help out on the PTA either as this woman is on that and I just cannot be arsed with the hassle I'd get from her! And birthday parties are a nightmare as she just picks at me.

Her campaign of getting people not to talk to me seems to have worked; I would say that around 50% of mums from DDs year give me a very wide berth and aren't as warm to me as they are to others. It's like they feel they have to avoid me at all costs. I have tried to make small talk with them and am always polite and friendly but lets just say it is obvious that they do not want to associate with me, and to be honest I cannot blame them as who would want to be involved with someone that someone else clearly loathes?

She is also very matey with the teacher. Every morning she stands in the doorway chatting to the teacher like the teacher is her best friend in the world. The teacher seems to think she is absolutely brilliant.

I just feel as though it has all cast a terrible cloud on my youngest child's first school years. I don't want to move her to another school as my other DCs attended it and I like the school, plus it is in our village so is our local school.

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about the whole situation. I suffer from anxiety and depression anyway so it's made it worse. My mum has been poorly recently, and I have had various other stressful things and this constant nastiness just feels like it is going to break me sad

Esmeismyhero Tue 30-Jun-15 23:22:17

I didn't want to read and run, flowers for you lovely.

Fiddlerontheroof Tue 30-Jun-15 23:25:24

She sounds completly barking. I think people will probably work her out at some point, and for all you know the teacher tolerates her... it would drive me batty having the same parent taking up my time at the start of every day.

It sounds utterly miserable for you, but I'd just move on and ignore it, focus on the parents and kids you and dd get on with and leave her to it...surely they must be daft if they can't see that excluding your dd as the only child not invited to a party is just horrible....if they can't ...I just wouldn't be arsed with them. Smile, say hello...and just rise above her...I'm sure others will work it out at some point! sad x

WannabeLaraCroft Tue 30-Jun-15 23:25:46

She is a bully, plain and simple. I honestly don't have any advice but please please please get it in your head that you have nothing to be ashamed of thanks

SycamoreMum Tue 30-Jun-15 23:25:54

What in the actual frig? Why are you even giving her the time of day?! She needs people and pettiness like this to validate herself, don't get any more sucked in. Ugh! (I am so not looking forward to when my Dd starts school - so many horror stories.)

I would casually mention to one of the other parents that she tried it on thats why shes got her knickers in a twist. That should shut her up.

Have a wine and �� on me.

QueenBean Tue 30-Jun-15 23:26:37

If you have found her to be this way, worry not at all that others will and have found her to be the same

She undoubtedly moves around from parent to parent, making them best friends and then falling out and slagging them off.

With the other parents, have a warm and open approach and make friends slowly with them, she can't poison everyone against you

The timing issues though with you being mates with her for a few months and then her harassing you for 18 months are plain weird.

DonkeyOaty Tue 30-Jun-15 23:26:51

Oh how horrible

Do you know what - I would seriously consider changing schools. I know it's your village school but you've got YEARS of this ahead. Cut losses is my advice.

flowers

Nospringflower Tue 30-Jun-15 23:27:31

I know you do feel like that but there's no way you should. She sounds like a right cow and hopefully others will realise what she is like. Are there some people you are friendly with that could help you?

LuluJakey1 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:28:05

She is a bully and is bullying you and your daughter.

There isn't much you can do except continue to be friendly and polite to others and don't stoop to her low standads by saying anything nasty about her.

Could you ask a couple of girls from DD's class round to tea?

pillowaddict Tue 30-Jun-15 23:29:15

I'm so sorry, she seems like a nightmare. I'm not sure I have much advice beyond keeping the moral high ground and continuing as you are - others will see her for what she is. She sounds needy and attention seeking and is probably desperate for a reaction from you so keep being polite and not giving one. Maybe see if you can quietly make arrangements with one or two other mums so you don't feel so 'ganged up on' in school situations. And I'd also bite the bullet and choose one activity to attend if your dd wants to regardless of her presence. It will be hard (I also have a level of social anxiety so I sympathise) but you maybe need to brazen a couple of situations out until.shw realises you won't be going away. Ultimately she thinks you've wronged her and her feelings are hurt so she's trying to make the situation into something it's not. Don't let her. And I hope your mum gets better soon flowers

TracyBarlow Tue 30-Jun-15 23:30:53

I absolutely promise you that other people see what you see. They are probably just scared of ending up being bullied too so don't speak out. Eventually, she will get found out. She will move on to another target and people will get the measure of her.

Find yourself some allies, even if you're few in number. Give her enough rope and she'll undoubtedly hang herself flowers

mimishimmi Tue 30-Jun-15 23:32:07

Ugh. A mum who stopped maturing emotionally in second form evidently. What was it did to so horribly betray her 'friendship'? Ignore a text asking you to pick up her DD and keep her for a few hours after school?

There's nothing for you to feel embarrassed or anxious about. The other mums will catch on soon enough. Just be warm and friendly to them and she'll soon out herself as the psycho here.

AshamedEmbarrassedAndAll Tue 30-Jun-15 23:33:40

Wow thank you so much everyone for the replies xx

I have luckily got a couple of other mums from DDs year that I am friends with, plus there is one other mum that I was a school with so have known for years. However this woman thinks nothing of strolling over if I am with the women that I am friends with and being loud and starting a conversation with them. She is very very loud and very very pushy.

306235388 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:33:58

I could have written this.

I get you aren't the only one to see through her.

You need to toughen up though and I know its hard. Help the PTA, take your daughter to clubs. Don't let her sideline you.

AshamedEmbarrassedAndAll Tue 30-Jun-15 23:35:45

I agree I really do need to toughen up.

How do I deal with her though at kids' clubs and at PTA things?

Lateswim16 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:40:55

But if your other Dcs attended the school then they know you? You know the school/head/other parents? Are your older ones still there so you have adult friends from
Their years? Confused! Or is your younger one much younger?

Anyway if she's spreading stuff that's untrue get a solicitor to send her a warning letter about slander. Costs around £60. I had one done to our stupid neighbour and it shut her up.

And stop hiding and cowering. The other parents obviously know her side so tell them yours. Call her out.

Speak to the teacher. Find out the policy in bullying. Don't be quiet. Get your anger harnessed and go for her in a sensible fashion and sort her out op.

Fatmomma99 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:41:51

flowers from me to, but I have looooads of advice: (don't get excited, it's probably all crap!)

First is, there's fantastic advice already here:
DEF other parents will soon suss her out.
DEF that the class teacher is tolerating her out of politeness, but is prob privately fuming. Class teacher will be being polite because she's PTA (and possibly also because she is on their radar), but TRUST ME - there will be other parents that the class teacher will be hoping to catch in those precious few minutes of drop off. (I'm not a teacher or TA, but I do work in schools). This woman will be being a massive PITA to the teacher.
DEF she is a bully.
DEF be inviting children round for tea/play dates, and make friends by stealth.

You SO can join the PTA, she can not - will not- be allowed to put you off. The other committee members will be so grateful for another pair of hands that they will not allow this. Sign up to help, and if she makes it uncomfortable for you, ask the Queen Bee (there will be one!) what you are doing wrong - she will be so grateful to you that she will smooth your path.

Also, look out for spaces on being a governor of the school (gvnr top trumps PTA)

Also at 0 - 5, playdates are set by parents.

After 6, the kids start to set their own agendas of who they do and don't like. So don't panic too much. The kids will make it right.

And - I say again - she is a bully, so don't give in to her.
Sorry if this is waffling!

X

Fatmomma99 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:42:52

btw, SycamoreMum, what are your diamond emoticons?

ThisTimeIAmMagic Tue 30-Jun-15 23:42:56

I'm so sorry you are in this situation sad thanks

I honestly don't know what to even advise you to do. Is there any way you can approach the school directly and say you would like to be involved in the PTA? I think I would probably snap sooner or later and if she was being a bitch just say loudly 'Is there something you want to say?' Let her rant and rave then coolly say, 'Well I'm glad you got that off your chest, now do fuck off dear.' But I appreciate that you might lose the mythical moral high ground.

I would NOT allow my child to be side-lined because of another adult's spite. Me, I'm a big girl and I can speak for myself but my child - that would bring out the beast I'm afraid. So take your DD to the activities she wants to go to and be ready to confront her.

HelpMeImMelting Tue 30-Jun-15 23:43:26

Might be worth having a chat with the police. Around here they take a dim view on harassment like this.

mimishimmi Tue 30-Jun-15 23:43:39

If she's not confronting you directly, you don't need to deal with it. If someone tells you that she's said something about you, give them a wry little smile and say "I'm sorry to hear that. It's never pleasant to have things being said behind your back is it?" and just leave it at that. You'll be taking the high ground by not slagging her off and yet conveying very well that she is the unreasonable one.

AshamedEmbarrassedAndAll Tue 30-Jun-15 23:43:50

I can't help hiding and cowering. I know it's wrong but I just can't help it. How can I stop doing it?

How can I call her out about it? What's the best way to do it? I think she is likely to thump me if I say anything!

Moomintroll85 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:45:27

What a twat she sounds, especially for making your DD suffer for her ownbatshit unreasonable issue with you by not inviting her to parties.

Other people must see what an arsehole she is, maybe some of them just go along with it because they don't want to be her next target.

Keep building friendships with those other mums. Minimum interaction with her but try to be cool and civil, when other people see this it will be even clearer that she's the one in the wrong.

I don't think you should let her cut you out of groups and activities you and DD want to go to though. You have just as much right to be there.

Lateswim16 Tue 30-Jun-15 23:46:04

Join the PTA and get stuck in.

Thwart her. Op it could be fun.

chewymeringue Tue 30-Jun-15 23:48:29

Oh god op, I so feel for you. I had a very similar situation several years ago. Fell out with one parent who basically made my life a misery for the next 2 years. It was hideous.

I learned sometime later that there were quite a few who were not impressed by her behaviour. Stick to them. I'd be very surprised if the teacher thinks a lot of her. I'm a teacher and I'd take a very dim view of someone like that.

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