because I feel like I do more shouting than hugging(4 Posts)
My kids - 8, 10 and 12 are driving me up the wall. I feel like i have a complete sense of humour failure and I'm being very strict because they keep disappointing me with really crap behaviour. I am like a trigger ready to go off at the next misdemeanour and I can't seem to climb down from it. My OH is away working a lot which I know doesn't help.
I start every afternoon with the best of intentions - today I got them all ice lollies and one had a playdate etc but pretty soon I was cross that they couldn't be nicer to each other or to me or that they would deliberately do something naughty. Have had a glass of wine now and everyone is quiet upstairs but how do I stop myself from over-reacting to every small thing. Am being a control freak I know.
Your being hard on yourself. Some days you'll win and some days you won't....the main thing is that you tried. Try again tommorrow and the next and the next. kids go through runs of good behaviour and playing up...today's been a playing up day.....it's warm and muggy...it can make even the most mild mannered kid tired, grouchy, ratchety, petulent and even us grown ups. Be kind to yourself and try again tommorrow
My LO is still only little, but when I came on MN looking for help to stop shouting, I was directed to this and I use some of the ideas from it: theorangerhino.com/alternatives-to-yelling/
It's a process, I didn't reduce the shouting/reacting badly overnight, but I give myself a green dot on the calendar for no shouting days, and a red one for shouty days, and now find the red dots are pretty rare. I make myself walk away if I can feel I'm about to snap (as long as everyone's safe!), and I try and book in a phone call/coffee with friends so I know I've got half an hour of non-mum time at some point in the week.
Are you able to find ways to offload? Handling things without your OH is hard work, and everyone needs a break.
8, 10 and 12 together are challenging. But their bad behaviour isn't directed at you really. They are just at this stage. They feel bored and then pick a fight.
You have to be a Saint not to retaliate and behave like them by also shouting and being grumpy, who wouldn't.
So what to do? Devise a job list. In exchange for dishwashing, bed making etc and co-operating Ie no fighting and doing what they are told straight away, then they get something that they want.
All TV, phones, iPads get taken away and returned ( on loan ) in return for civerlized behaviour.
Remain calm and do not give in. They will go mad initially but if you stick to your guns,they will realise that you mean business. Good behaviour equals reward, bad behaviour equals loss of privileges. At all times remain calm, despite the provocation.
Play games with them such as a card game, where the winning hand gets a M&M. Try and have fun with them instead of hating the way they behave. Organise a treasure hunt in the house, with clues and hidden presents. Where they have to cooperate with one another.
It will be a tremendous effort but what is the alternative? Everyone in the house becoming more and more shouty and grumpy.
Best of luck.
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