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AIBU?

To think it's perfectly acceptable to go to bed a different times?

73 replies

Numtum · 30/06/2015 13:23

My boyfriend tends to want to go to bed between 9-10 during the week. Later at the weekend most of the time.

He always wants me to go to bed at the same time and quite frankly it does my head in. I'm a night owl - I have no need for more than about 6-7 hours sleep.

DD goes to bed around 7 and then that is my time to catch up on things and generally have some child free down time.

BF doesn't live with us and I'm seriously considering telling him he should stop staying here on a weeknight if he's not happy going to bed by himself. He can actually be a bit huffy about it

Don't get me wrong, he's actually great. No issues apart from this. For some reason he seems to think we should go to bed at the same time and as he turns in early I should too. My opinion is that he's a big boy and if he needs his sleep crack on but he'll be by himself.

I'm not in the wrong am I?

OP posts:

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Littleorangecat · 30/06/2015 13:25

No YANBU. I go at 10.30 but my husband goes at 1am. I need 8 hrs he only needs 6 and I take much longer to get ready in a morning. We do compromise at weekends but if he wants to stay up late - that's his business. I would be annoyed if he got huffy at me going earlier.

grumpysquash · 30/06/2015 13:25

I suppose it depends on whether he goes to bed and straight to sleep, or whether there are other activities planned.

If the latter, you could always get up again afterwards....if not tired by then.

WannabeLaraCroft · 30/06/2015 13:26

YANBU! That would annoy me.

My DH and I go to bed at different times as his shifts are all over the place.

Maybe he wants to go to bed together for sex? In that case, dtd then go back downstairs and watch tv

WannabeLaraCroft · 30/06/2015 13:26

Oops x-posted - grumpy put my thoughts out more delicately

wafflyversatile · 30/06/2015 13:28

With boyfriends that don't live with me I go to bed then get up again after sex if I'm not ready for sleep.

wafflyversatile · 30/06/2015 13:29

Maybe he thinks you are rejecting sex?

Denimwithdenim00 · 30/06/2015 13:30

Oh bloody hell no I couldn't settle much before 11 unless ill or jet lagged. He wants sex does he?

Mind you we have friends who go at different times. He's up at 10 and she's up till much later. Suits them.

He shouldn't try to control you like this though op. That's not on.

Numtum · 30/06/2015 13:31

Yeah I think that's it sometimes but it's everytime he stays and definitely not the plan all the time.

I feel like we're barely done with dinner and tidying up and then it's lights out!

OP posts:

Orangeisthenewbanana · 30/06/2015 13:32

It depends how often he stays at yours during the week I think? If it's only one or two nights then I don't think he's being that unreasonable - he probably just wants to see more of you if you don't live together? Or wants sex maybe?

I say this as someone whose DH is quite happy to stay up until 1am most nights. It doesn't generally bother me or him and we do our own thing. But sometimes I miss cuddling/chatting/getting a bit spontaneously frisky if he always comes to bed after I'm asleep.

Numtum · 30/06/2015 13:36

But on the nights there is no sex there isn't really any chat either. He is tired and wants to sleep. I'm not tired - I don't want to sleep.

OP posts:

googoodolly · 30/06/2015 13:37

I think if you lived together, I would say YANBU, but if he only stays over a few nights a week, he probably wants to cuddle and have some intimate time with you - not necessarily sex but talking, closeness, etc?

I have to say I would be a bit miffed if I stayed round a boyfriend's house a couple of nights a week and they stayed up watching TV instead of coming to bed with me. It wouldn't feel very nice.

tumbletumble · 30/06/2015 13:38

YANBU but I don't think he is being massively unreasonable either. It's much nicer going to bed with someone else than on your own! Could you compromise 50/50?

happygirl87 · 30/06/2015 13:39

Could you compromise- go to bed for a chat/cuddle/sex, on the understanding that if you're not sleepy you'll get up and do things once he's asleep?

googoodolly · 30/06/2015 13:39

X-post. Maybe he just likes being close to you? Can't you go to bed and read or something if he wants you to just be there?

If you lived together I would tell him to get a grip, but it's not every night. If I were him, I would feel there's no point in staying over if I was going to bed on my own.

polkadotsrock · 30/06/2015 13:41

I fear I've been unreasonable throughout my marriage...I hate going to bed separately so we've compromised and I go early with him but he sleeps whilst I read or he'll nod a bit on the couch if I'm deeply engrossed in the TV and go upstairs when I'm ready too. It's not an issue for us but I did probably start it.

Numtum · 30/06/2015 13:41

Yeah maybe I am being unreasonable a bit. However there has been instances where I've been knackered and he's stayed up so just don't get it. It doesn't bother me.

OP posts:

morelikeguidelines · 30/06/2015 13:48

Yanbu .

As a slight derailment of the thread, how to people feel about one partner wanting to read in bed when the other wants to sleep/ put the light out? Reading in bed being, of course, a totally different thing to reading elsewhere. Are there rules about this that I don't know?

BankWadger · 30/06/2015 13:49

I wouldn't cope if I had to go bed at the same time as DH. Late evening is my alone time.

tumbletumble · 30/06/2015 13:51

morelike I read in bed while DH goes to sleep. He's never said it's a problem for him.

TriJo · 30/06/2015 13:52

Hubby starts work at 7, I start at 9. I'm a night owl, he's an early bird. I usually go to bed two hours after him, it's perfectly normal for us.

JillBYeats · 30/06/2015 13:53

Could you compromise- go to bed for a chat/cuddle/sex, on the understanding that if you're not sleepy you'll get up and do things once he's asleep?

Oh my God - my idea of a nightmare but my dh's idea of heaven - that I would treat him as one of the DC: a cuddle or sex and then snuggle him til he nods off when I (and OP) are then at last free to have time to yourself.

That's the maddest suggestion I've ever heard happygirl

googoodolly · 30/06/2015 13:55

I think reading in bed with someone is sweet - it just makes me feel close to them even if we're totally absorbed in our own thing. DP and I often go to bed and I read my Kindle if I'm not tired (I need way less sleep than him) or I MN! It doesn't bother him at all.

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NighteyesLovesGingerbread · 30/06/2015 13:55

I am always in bed before DH. we used to go to bed at the same time in our younger days but I need my sleep much more now. I'm usually in bed by 10-10.30pm and its rare for him to be in bed much before 11.30pm.

it would never occur to me to expect him to come to bed too! unless, as pp have suggested, activities other than sleeping were on the cards!

GinUpGirl · 30/06/2015 13:56

DH and I go to bed together. I don't feel settled unless we've had a cuddle.

NKfell · 30/06/2015 14:01

YANBU

DP goes to bed ridiculously early (in winter he'd happy to be under the duvets at 7ish!) If he tells me to go to bed, I usually ask what for then decide if I want to or no. If it's not for sleeping then I might go up for a bit but then I'd go back downstairs.

Also, if he said it was for a chat or cuddle?! No...we can chat and cuddle on the sofa. there is no way on earth I would sit and cuddle until he nods off!

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