To not know what to do

(33 Posts)
AoifeBell Tue 30-Jun-15 09:17:36

My oldest and best friend has just revealed something to me and I'm really unsure as to what i should say/do if anything at all.

Bit of background

She's 28 and has a nearly 3 year old son. She's not with his dad but has a boyfriend of a year. Her boyfriend is lovely but has said from the beginning that he doesn't want kids yet, too young, wants to be married first.

They discussed contraception at the start. She went on the pill but has since come off which bf knows about. She's said they don't use condom but he pulls out when it's "time" (sorry tmi) grin

I told her that's still a dangerous way to prevent pregnancy. She just said "I know but it was his idea and it doesn't matter either way really I still get cum inside me" I went on about he needs to do it 1000% at the right time to stop that happening then and to stop her getting pregnant. Then the bombshell. "No. Mean after he's pulled out and left the room I use my fingers and put it inside me!"

What. The. Actual. Fuck!

I was shock and hmm. She wants a baby apparently but he doesn't so that's what she does. Shocked as I never thought she was that sort of person I really never. I feel bad for her boyfriend.

I don't know what to do or if I even should but I think he should know about this!

AIBU In thinking she is bang out or order and slightly gross?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 30-Jun-15 09:22:31

He's taking no precautions against pregnancy. If he doesn't feel ready for a child yet then he should be taking all steps available to him to make sure it doesn't happen.

CrystalHaze Tue 30-Jun-15 09:24:36

She's being a bit silly, but for a man who allegedly doesn't want children he's being a complete fool.

TinyManticore Tue 30-Jun-15 09:25:04

That's very sneaky and unfair to him, she shouldn't be deliberately trying to get pregnant when he has said he doesn't want a baby.
HOWEVER. He should be taking responsibility for ensuring it doesn't happen if he's certain he doesn't want one, and at the moment he is being incredibly careless.

CrystalHaze Tue 30-Jun-15 09:26:25

Also, I don't see that you have to 'do' anything here. They are both adults (if irresponsible ones at that).

AoifeBell Tue 30-Jun-15 09:29:25

I feel that he is trying to prevent by pulling out. She's being manipulative by doing what's she's doing.

Maybe I shouldn't do anything but I would want to know if my girlfriend was going behind my back like that.

TinyManticore Tue 30-Jun-15 09:31:17

Thing is, if you tell him, it's going to be very obvious to your friend that the info has come from you. Unless she goes around telling everyone that she does this.

isupposeitsverynice Tue 30-Jun-15 09:31:43

it's not trying very hard though is it. she's being a prat, but I don't think you can go telling takes to him. withdraw from her a bit maybe if it makes you uncomfortable.

AoifeBell Tue 30-Jun-15 09:35:04

Is this a common thing because I was and still am very shocked by this but you all seem very chilled. Maybe I live a shelter life? grin

PresidentTwonk Tue 30-Jun-15 09:35:34

She doesn't need to do what she is doing to become pregnant from what he is doing! If you don't want a child you protect yourself from having one, you don't 'pull out' and leave your sperm unattended.

WhatsTheT Tue 30-Jun-15 09:36:52

She's obviously only interested in being pregnant again and not the relationship.

But leave them to it. He knows the risks, he's not using protection. The fact she's making the risk higher is irrelevant (Although completely nuts)

He doesn't want a baby? Wrap it up!

isupposeitsverynice Tue 30-Jun-15 09:37:48

maybe! I have a friend who got pregnant on purpose behind the man's back. it didn't end well, surprise surprise. but what can you do? she's not going to stop just because you tell her she's being stupid.

YUDOTHIS Tue 30-Jun-15 09:42:03

despite the fact that the family planning method is absolutely terrible (difficult to execute perfectly and even then isnt as accurate as other methods) HE is taking a step to prevent pregnancy a crap step, but a step nonetheless SHE is sabotaging that and trying to get pregnant. You need to tell him. You might lose your friend but its better than some poor bloke ending up with a child he doesn't want. for all you know hes not too clued up contraceptive methods as some people aren't and she's told him that NFP is 99.9 percent effective (happened to a youngish male friend of mine)

CrystalHaze Tue 30-Jun-15 09:44:14

I feel that he is trying to prevent by pulling out

He's not really though, is he?
As preventative measures go it's not reliable. He doesn't want a baby, but he doesn't want to use a condom? Silly, and more than a little ignorant.

butterfly133 Tue 30-Jun-15 09:45:29

this is outrageous. I think what you do is simple - tell her she's being completely out of order and ask why she wants to bring a child into the world whose father didn't want it. He may not be bright enough to wrap it but that's no reason why his view should be treated like this.

Poor bloke. BTW you really want to be friends with a woman like this?

ilovesooty Tue 30-Jun-15 09:46:03

I wouldn't interfere in the relationship or say anything to him. I'd sever all contact with her though and tell her exactly why.

Horsemad Tue 30-Jun-15 09:49:20

I'd let them both get on with it, they're both idiots.

YUDOTHIS Tue 30-Jun-15 09:51:31

I really do think you should tell him OP, You'll catch so much shit for it but tbh its worth it to stop an unwanted child being born into the world. He may well walk away, he may well stay out of duty to do so but resent the child/the mother. PP's lets back up a sec and pretend that OP's friend is using condoms. OP's friend is essentially sticking a needle through each and every condom. regardless of the method used she is deliberately tampering with that method!

newname12 Tue 30-Jun-15 09:53:39

She doesn't need to do what she is doing to become pregnant from what he is doing! If you don't want a child you protect yourself from having one, you don't 'pull out' and leave your sperm unattended

So how do you dispose of your sperm though? What if they weren't having PIV sex, to prevent pregnancy, she gives him a hand job. Does he need to supervise her washing her hands immediately so he doesn't leave any sperm unattended? What if he does use a condom, should he take it with him and dispose of it so she doesn't have unattended access?

I think it's a despicable thing to do. I agree he's taking a risk with that method of "contraception", but she's actively trying to get pregnant against his wishes, and taking action to make sure it happens.

However, I don't know what you can do. Tell her, tell him. Either way likely you won't be friends for long. I don't think I could be friends with someone who did that.

CrystalHaze Tue 30-Jun-15 09:56:15

I don't understand the 'poor bloke' comments. If he doesn't want a child, it's his responsibility to take sensible precautions. He wants it both ways: no baby, but no annoying condom either.

Your friend's actions are indefensible, but so is his cavalier attitude to contraception.

YUDOTHIS Tue 30-Jun-15 09:58:00

Everything that NN12 said^
"Of every 100 women whose partners use withdrawal, 4 will become pregnant each year if they always do it correctly. - See more at: www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/withdrawal-pull-out-method#sthash.dwbI4l0W.dpuf"
Its not the NFP method its the withdrawal method (Sorry, brain fart) but yeah, same applies. Not the most accurate but if done to the T its not as bad as you guys would think. She's deliberately tampering with contraception she's in the wrong, he is not. for all you know she's refused condom and pill use.

YUDOTHIS Tue 30-Jun-15 10:01:06

Why is it automatically the mans doing PP? Is it unfeasible that a woman may refuse condoms? we dont know who has refused condoms and as far as he's aware the pull out method may be quite reliable, there are many myths surrounding contraception and if your partner tells you something are you really going to research it and try to debunk it? all we know for sure is op's friend is tampering with the contraception, lets not assume its the guys fault eh?

avocadotoast Tue 30-Jun-15 10:05:17

They both sound irresponsible and reckless. What she's doing is incredibly wrong, but she could get pregnant anyway even if he pulls out, given that sperm is present in pre-cum.

I'd stay out of it OP. Do nothing.

avocadotoast Tue 30-Jun-15 10:08:55

YUDOTHIS, if a woman refuses to use condoms then surely it's down to the man to take responsibility for himself and not have sex with her unless there's another contraceptive method involved?

Even if your partner does tell you something about contraception it's still up to you, as an adult, to do your research and take responsibility for yourself, your health and your body (as it's not just pregnancy you're looking to avoid). Same applies regardless of gender.

butterfly133 Tue 30-Jun-15 10:19:59

re his stupidity and recklessness - an unwanted child is too harsh a punishment for that. It's really not often I say that type of thing... a woman who believed in that method would at least have the option of terminating. But she is blatantly deceiving him and trying to saddle him with a lifelong responsibility. It's wrong on so many levels.

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