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to ask if you have had an unexpected pregnancy, and what the outcome was?

(65 Posts)
FancyFrenchCake Tue 30-Jun-15 07:37:47

I am in this position. Thought my family was complete, and now this. I only found out yesterday, and my head is a whirlwind of thoughts. I suffer with hyperemesis during my pregnancies, and usually PND after having my babies.

So I wanted to know, if you have been in this situation, what did you do? What were your circumstances at the time (DC / finances / housing) and did they affect your decision? How many months/years on are you from this, and how do you feel about it now?

Apologies for all the questions, is just because my answer to them, is what is swaying my decision. I'm a regular and have NC for this.

HypodeemicNerdle Tue 30-Jun-15 07:51:34

Unfortunaly this i a decision that only you and your DH can make.

For what it's worth my first pregnancy was unexpected, DH and I had been married for just a few weeks and I have PCOS so wasn't expecting to get pregnant without medical intervention. We were in a rental house but nearly had enough for a deposit on a house. We decided to go ahead, worked our butts off to buy a house before the baby came. I did suffer with antenatal depression and had counselling to help.

That baby is now 10 and we have 2 others. I don't regret going ahead and having her, we'd planned to have children but not as quickly as we did.

I wish you luck with your decision

GnomeDePlume Tue 30-Jun-15 08:20:13

We found out we were expecting DC3 when I was 18 weeks pregnant. Obviously finding out so late (hmmm... explained a lot!) meant that we had no choices to make.

We were definitely not trying for another baby and had thought our family was complete. DC3 was born practically clutching the damn copper coil.

This was now more than 15 years ago.

Having 3rd child changed everything for us. Suddenly the precarious heap that was nurseries, child minders and the looming threat of the need for wrap around childcare for primary school became unmanageable.

We made the decision for DH to become SAHP. Absolutely the best decision for us. Because of DH was at home I was freer to pursue my career. As a result we were able to take opportunities which otherwise we would probably have said 'not for us'. We moved abroad for a few years, DCs became bilingual. DCs had a wonderful time with DH as SAHP.

I guess that what I am say is that while finding out we were expecting number three was a shock and I dont know what we would have done if we had found out about the pregnancy earlier, the life we have with 3 is great (if cluttered, busy, time-consuming, skint).

Only you can decide and you dont have perfect information. Make the best decision for you now and try not to look back from it. You are doing the best you can.

FancyFrenchCake Tue 30-Jun-15 08:21:54

Yes, I know. sad My head is a very muddled mess today.

I just wanted to know the reality of what happens after each decision.

dementedma Tue 30-Jun-15 08:24:29

Dc3 was unexpected, 11 years after Dc1 and 9 years after dc 2.
For me it was the age gap that caused the biggest problems. Dealing with a very young child plus teenage angst was hard going. On the plus side, we didn't need three car seats but we did have to get a whole new lot of baby gear in as we had got rid of it all.

flanjabelle Tue 30-Jun-15 08:25:45

dd was very unexpected, using contraception but fell pregnant anyway.

I went into a spiral of anxiety, didn't know how to cope. Luckily I was in therapy and my therapist helped me work it through. I nearly had a termination as I just wanted the fear to stop.

I didn't get my head around it until she was born to be honest. Then when I held her and heard her cry it all clicked into place. I loved her with a burning ferocity I could have never expected.

It could have gone the other way, I didn't feel prepared, ready to be a mum. I was lucky, I had no pnd and it worked out fine. I am unbelievably glad I didn't terminate.

FancyFrenchCake Tue 30-Jun-15 08:26:30

I crossed posts with you Gnome. I'm glad things turned out ok for you. I'm a SAHP now, although planned to get back into work, when my youngest started school.
We are quite tight financially at the moment as it is.

FancyFrenchCake Tue 30-Jun-15 08:27:31

I keep cross posting confused

SqueezyCheeseWeasel Tue 30-Jun-15 08:29:11

I terminated my unexpected pregnancy (at 7/40). It was a painful but considered decision and was the right decision for me.

I'm not saying that you should do the same, only you know your circumstances and can decide but for me, ending the pregnancy was the right thing to do.

mummyrunnerbean Tue 30-Jun-15 08:35:37

I wrote a massive long post which has deleted itself. Basically am currently stuffing toast into surprise (copper coil and PCOS) 11 month old. No other DC as very new relationship, I'm a student, DP is a baby police officer so finances pretty crap but we manage - he does a lot of overtime, and I had to take this year off from uni (graduate medicine) so have been doing various bits of part time work around his shifts. He's had to apply for flexible working for when I go back in September so we can manage childcare but his sergeant's been very supportive. Once my student loans restart we'll be a bit better off (which probably gives you some idea of the current dire state of affairs when student loans are looking like a windfall on the horizon grin ).

I did get PND but was quickly dealt with - probably more exhaustion than anything as I was still commuting into London and sitting exams two days before I was induced at full term. Otherwise - DS is amazing, the best thing that's ever happened to me, apart from DP. We're getting married in ten days smile.

Terminating was never an option for me personally but I do remember at several points really bloody wishing it was. Wish you luck with your musings- I always work on the basis you're more likely to regret things you don't do than things you do, but obviously DC are in a whole other category of decision...

AreYouThinkingWhatImThinking Tue 30-Jun-15 08:36:54

Had termination - was hardest most soul-destroying decision of my life.

On discovering said unplanned pregnancy I had just moved in with exP who had decided to start physically & emotionally abusing me almost as soon as we moved in. He was arrested twice in just 6 weeks so I kicked him out.

I then discovered he'd been sleeping with a mutual friend as well. And discovered he was a coke head when I found coke stashed in the freezer.

He then started stalking me. Attempted to run me over in his car. Mafe abusive phonecalls etc. He caused SO much aggro with my family they decided to disown me.

I'd not long since started a new low-paid job, because there were opportunities to progress well in time (but not if I had to leave/go part-time to be a single parent).

I had no partner, just an abusive ex who still stalked me that the police would do nothing about, no family, very little money, the baby's father clearly wasn't capable... I couldn't bear bringing a child into that mess so I terminated.

It destroyed me for a very long time but I know I made the right decision. And it was a very hard lesson learnt about self respect and deserving better

GnomeDePlume Tue 30-Jun-15 08:52:51

Things were tight when DC3 came along. They are tight now. But we muddle through. Our expectations are different from people we know with fewer DCs. The DCs have never been on package holidays. Our furniture is mostly secondhand or ancient.

When the DCs were smaller (they are 19, 16 & 15 now) we noticed that we were the family which handed down everything. In fact my DDs still hand on and share clothes now. Because of this clothes tended to wear out rather than be grown out of. We dont tend to be wasteful.

Now we are coming out of the other end as oldest is at uni. For us there is nothing to regret. We played the hand we were given.

I think that when children are small especially during the long drag of the primary years it can seem like 'this is it forever'. But it isnt. Now the DCs are older we are starting to make plans to downsize once they start to make their own lives elsewhere.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Tue 30-Jun-15 08:59:34

Currently 39 weeks with unplanned and unexpected second (I was on the pill). When I found out DD1 was 10 months old, still waking up every hour through the night, I was beyond exhausted and had PND and was about to go back to work and we were broke and living in an area where 2 lots of childcare would have been way more than I earned.
We made the decision to move 150 miles away back to where my parents live. DH negotiated flexible working which means he has to travel to London a couple of days a week and Birmingham another day or 2. Our rent is half what it was for a bigger/nicer property. We have friends/family around to give us some help every now and then. DC2 hasn't been born yet so don't know the full outcome but life is looking a lot more positive now.

FenellaFellorick Tue 30-Jun-15 09:08:02

My unexpected pregnancy turns 15 in August.

My first was 6 months old when I became pregnant. (Although I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4 months) My own fault. I suspect the sleep deprivation or something meant I forgot to take my pill sometimes. I'm not even sure I remember the getting pregnant part of it, tbh.

Our finances were shit. Our first was disabled. I had horrific pnd. We talked about all of our options but really, for us, it was just talking because we already knew we would proceed.

Fast forward 15 years and yes, it was absolutely the right choice. For us. I would not, however, presume to suggest that that means anything at all in the world beyond that it was the right choice for us.

marmaladegranny Tue 30-Jun-15 09:10:06

I became pregnant with DC3 very soon after DC2 was born - DH was not at all enthusiastic (but then he hadn't been about DC 1 & 2 either) but I couldn't consider termination.
DD1 was a couple of days past her 4th birthday when DC3 was born and DD2 was 15months so it was really hard, especially as I had PND & little practical help from DH although DM used to come and stay occasionally. We were very rural and I could not fit 3DC in the car so the only escape from the house were lots of long walks around the lanes, trundling them all in a big pram. There was no cash - DH, usually, paid the bills and I funded everything else from Child Benefit and my savings; we had lots of hand me downs and were regulars at village jumble sales for toys etc. As all DC were so close my plan to return to work was only delayed by a year. DC3 turned out to be DS1 and completed our family very well and now, 30 years later, continuing with the pregnancy was the best thing I did, despite all the difficulties.
But this was my decision - it would not have been right for everyone.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP….

fleamadonna Tue 30-Jun-15 09:12:16

I got pregnant VERY quickly at the start of a brand new relationship.

we had to get to know each other pretty sharpish, and it hasn't always been easy, but ds is 1yo and the light of our lives.

wouldn't change a thing.

lljkk Tue 30-Jun-15 09:14:26

Me, DH, all our brothers, most our parents & most our children are results of unplanned pregnancies. My mother suffered a lot, as the 3rd unwanted child. Rest worked out ok.

I wouldn't hesitate to terminate if it felt like terrible timing or just generally too much. Good Luck. x

GnomeDePlume Tue 30-Jun-15 09:18:01

Fast forward 15 years and yes, it was absolutely the right choice. For us. I would not, however, presume to suggest that that means anything at all in the world beyond that it was the right choice for us.

I absolutely agree with this.

popalot Tue 30-Jun-15 09:29:17

My first. I was totally skint and got preg at the start of a shit relationship. In a foreign country. Worked my arse off through a sicky pregnancy. Got no maternity pay. Wouldn't have changed it for the world, she is wonderful and I never felt like she was a financial burden - nappies/milk were the biggest cost but if you go terry towelling you might reduce that and if you can breast feed all the better.

I myself was an unplanned child, like many (most) in the world. Due to my mother's age and experience of childhood herself, she was unequipped mentally and did't really want me. She would introduce me as her mistake and I was told quite matter of factly that she never wanted me and that the doctors refused preg test until quite late on, that her body tried to get rid of me etc etc. So poor finances, especially if you can get second hand stuff, don't matter. But if the child finds out they were 'unwanted' or you are mentally unstable (not that you sound that way) that can matter.

Asheth Tue 30-Jun-15 09:29:43

DC3 was a big surprise! I spent the week after I found out in total shock, as I thought my family was already complete. Then I started bleeding and that point I realised how much I wanted everything to be ok.

Luckily a scan showed a heartbeat and that surprise is now 6 years old. Pregnancy was hard while juggling school and pre-school runs with exhaustion and morning all day sickness. It did also mean I had to take a longer career break than expected, but I wouldn't change anything. But again I can only stress what others have said - this was the right decision for us, not necessarily anyone else.

Mrsjayy Tue 30-Jun-15 09:35:41

My first and of course it was hard we were permaskint and homeless i had pnd and it was just horriblr but we muddled on they are 22 now and about to join the police <fingers crossed> things work out maybe not as planned but they did for us.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat Tue 30-Jun-15 09:40:56

Yes. We had a very rough patch after our first son was born, my husband was a complete dick. I walked onto an elevator in Bloomingdales and the smell was so intense I knew instantly I was pregnant - I knew I would have an abortion before I even got to my destination floor.

I was absolutely fine and it was the right decision for me.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts Tue 30-Jun-15 09:40:58

dd1 was unplanned however we went ahead and she has changed our lives for the better. we then went on to have dd2. everything is perfect, they are becoming more independent, im looking into retraining we are happy and our family is complete. was looking into sterilisation as we were certain that we didn't want any more.

However just over a week ago we found out I was pregnant, we have made the decision to have a termination. although I didn't realise how long it takes, I have to wait till 8th July for an assessment and then a few more days till the actual termination even though I saw gp straight away. scary as I have no idea how far along I am as I cant remember my last period. Every day is a struggle, im having horrendous pregnancy symptoms and the paranoia someone will notice is awful. my main reasons are financial, our house is not big enough, so we'd have to move away from school, friends and family. Also I hated pregnancy and I knew mentally, emotionally and physically I couldn't cope again. there's no shame in knowing your own limits.

hibbledibble Tue 30-Jun-15 09:42:33

My dd is nearly 5.

I was pretty young, still at uni, in a small flat etc.

I'm so glad I didn't terminate. She is a beautiful little girl, and everything has a habit of falling into place. I finished my course and am now working. In hindsight bit was actually a great time to have a child.

slithytove Tue 30-Jun-15 09:44:09

Yes, our first. We panicked for 3 days, talked about all the options, then realised we were talking about our baby and if the only thing stopping us was finances and what people would think, we were being daft.

Sorted the finances, bought a house, changed jobs, and loved and adored our baby. She died during labour.

Devastation isn't the word and I cannot believe I ever considered getting rid of her. Feels like a punishment. Irrational I know.

This probably doesn't help you. I'm sorry.

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