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is mil overstepping or aibu

(127 Posts)
mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 22:47:12

So I have had many issues with mil over the past 9 years. Me and dp had our first child nearly 1 year ago so I am due back to work any day. When dc was first born mil and us fell out a few times and I felt she never made an effort with dd.

Due to financial reasons mil has offered to look after dd when I go back to work for a few days per week. So as to get dd used to mil more we let her have sleepover. now this is my issue

Since this sleepover mil didn't send all dd stuff home as she wanted to wash it ( I quickly stated never do this in future) as I want to wash it and also have it all back at once. She now keeps calling dd my princess and acting like dd is her property to lift kiss and cuddle at any time. Considering we want to take it slow.

she was always a big manipulator and she keeps saying oh this is me and dds thing we do in relation to a game. I feel she is going to make it harder for me to go back to work as I am very very ancious and I know it sounds stupid but its my daughter not hers. I feel is she already overstepping that boundary.

am I just being mad

hedgehogsdontbite Mon 29-Jun-15 22:50:27

Based on what you've put here, then yes sorry YABU.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 29-Jun-15 22:51:37

yabu - she did the washing and loves her granddaughter ....

HoldYerWhist Mon 29-Jun-15 22:52:19

She's being too nice to the child she's minding for free?


mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 22:54:39

I know what it sounds like. But we have had a vast history of her unreasonableness I have threads on here before.

I'm just so afraid to go back to work and leave so maybe I am thinking a bit harshly. I am looking at it from her manipulative pov

raffle Mon 29-Jun-15 22:54:48

YABU, but your feelings are probably relatively common. It's not about MIL, it's about going back to work and being parted from your baby. Good luck. You will feel tons better once you are in a routine.

mayfridaycomequickly Mon 29-Jun-15 22:55:11

Yabu - if she's going to lool after your dd regularly they will form a bond. They will have 'in' jokes and funny little things that they so that are 'theirs'. My ds goes to my parents one day and dps parents another. They have a fantastic relationship with ds and have loads of 'in games' etc.

If dd is at theirs regularly sometimes her stuff will be left behind. That really shouldn't be a big deal.

RabbitSaysWoof Mon 29-Jun-15 22:55:51

Maybe shes making extra effort because that's what you fell out about maybe the princess crap is for your benefit so that you know she loves her and is happy to have her.

LittleBearPad Mon 29-Jun-15 22:55:53

If you are going to let MIL look after her then you need to relax a little, or if you can't you need to send her to nursery/a childminder.

mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:12

ok so I know my judgement is obviously clouded

MagpieCursedTea Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:16

I'm not sure what the issue with the laundry is?
I do think you need to consider other childcare arrangements though. It sounds like you're pretty uncomfortable with your MIL looking after your DD and I'm sure there's a lot more back story.

Using family as childcare can be complex and challenging even with the best of relationships. This is only going to cause you more grief.

highkickindandy Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:39

She may well be pushing boundaries but by allowing her to provide childcare so you can work, you are letting her do this.

She is doing you a favour in many ways and saving you money by providing childcare, but the flipside is you relinquish some control over the way she does this.

That is why so many people keep formal childcare for work, and family babysitting separate as it doesn't allow those boundaries to blur.

I don't have any answers other than pay for childcare you are happy with from a daycare or childminder, and set limits you are comfortable with over babysitting and sleepovers. That's a problem if finances don't allow it.....good luck it sounds difficult.

HoldYerWhist Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:47

But you fell out because she wasn't paying enough attention. Now you're pissed off that she's paying too much attention?

Just to clarify, this childcare is free, yes?

Inkspellme Mon 29-Jun-15 22:56:51

you're being too sensitive. she's being an affectionate grandmother. your dd will always know who her mom is - and this just sounds like normal grandmother affection to be honest. it won't make your dd replace you with her.

I work in a creche and no matter how affectionate the care staff are with the children, it never replaces the affection they have for mom and dad or whoever is their primary carer - in this case, you.

winkywinkola Mon 29-Jun-15 22:58:07

I would use professional childcare.

I suspect there's a lot gone on that you're not saying.

Your mil and you won't see eye to eye. Better to remove any potential argument sparks.

mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 22:58:26

yes the child care is free. I know I'm being unreasonable I just struggle with our relationship and how she favours Sil and her other gc over my dd and dp.

SaucyJack Mon 29-Jun-15 23:00:45

Erm, yes YABU. Sorry.

So she's your child most of the time until you want free childcare, and then you're happy for her to do her grandmotherly duty?

Grandparents (for better or worse) are not staff. If your MIL is a bit of a nightmare then you'll just make it ten times worse. Would using a nursery not be better?

MissBananaMama Mon 29-Jun-15 23:00:46


If you're not comfortable with her watching dd then pay for full time childcare. I'm afraid you can't expect MIL not to bond with your DD yet care for her half of the week free of charge.

The washing of her clothes?? She was trying to help

Only1scoop Mon 29-Jun-15 23:01:44

She's a saint to offer a few days a week free childcare IMO

I would pay for your childcare as you sound very resentful of her. Not healthy

MissBananaMama Mon 29-Jun-15 23:01:46

How is she favouring SIL kids of she's clearly bonding and wanting a relationship with your child??

AlpacaMyBags Mon 29-Jun-15 23:02:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 23:04:31

in the past if she was due to come up for a visit she would make excuses if other dgc wanted to see her so she could be with him instead of visiting my dd. she initially made and effort at the start until she found out Sil was pregnant and because a new baby was on the way my dd got dropped like a hot pocket. mil does not work btw. maybe I am bitter about things

mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 23:05:09

New baby due novem

pommedeterre Mon 29-Jun-15 23:05:21

Pay for childcare then.

mmollytoots Mon 29-Jun-15 23:06:25

I just see the clothes thing as controlling because when she buys dd any clothes she takes every single tag off so I can't return and dd has to wear them then mil will go awk I bought her that outfit to everyone in earshot

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