Who IBU?

[Whatdoido2017]

I'm getting married next may. We are having it in our local church with lunch in the hall next door, room for 100 max.

We decided on our Guestlist of 95-100 people - 25 family members each side and 50 friends.

My mum has no parents or siblings and is not in contact with her nieces and nephews. She wants to invite 10 people from her side of the family who are her mum's brothers and sisters (all over 80, I've only met one or two of them). She was hurt that her family aren't 'represented' and insinuated that I was unthoughtful in not making sure shehad some family there.

This would make our venue uncomfortable - I think those ten would make a big difference.

Was IBU to nit ask their input on the Guestlist? Should I have thought about this?

They are not paying for the wedding, if that affects people's views. She has clearly been stewing over this for the last month since we announced our engagement, and tbh I feel really resentful that I'm being made out to be the problem.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Not your problem. Just invite those you want to and ignore any and all whiners.

[FenellaFellorick]

so your mum wants 35 relatives or of the 25 she wants to pick 10?

I think it's your wedding and the people you have there should be people you know and want to celebrate with. Isn't that the point of weddings? Not people you don't know from adam and who can only pick you out of a line up because you're the one in the white frock?

[BlusteringBlues]

Yanbu I'm getting married next year and made it clear from the start the guest list would be decided by dp and I. I'm from a large family but do not know or see any of them therefore my family on the day will be my immediate family only-rest of my guests are my long term friends. It's your day-your choice.

[19lottie82]

You say there will be 25 members of family present per side. Who are the 25 on your side? Are your parents still married? Are the rest of your 25 through your father?

Technically, no your mother doesn't need to have a say, if she's not paying, HOWEVER, it would be a nice thing to do, to let her invite 4 or 5 of her extended family members.

[Whatdoido2017]

We have 25 members on my dad's side who don't bother with me all that much either. This tips our list over the 100 mark.

[Whatdoido2017]

I'm so fucking stressed. Then she texts me and says 'its your day we want you to be happy'...

[19lottie82]

We have 25 members on my dad's side who don't bother with me all that much either

TBH I can understand why your Mum is a bit peeved then! Are her and your Father still together?

Have the invites actually been sent out yet?

I got married last year and had similar problems, you can't keep everyone 100% happy, you can only do the best you can. But it does seem a bit unfair that your Dad is allowed to invite 25 members of his family who you're not close with, and your Mum isn't allowed any?

[mynewpassion]

Why don't you compromise and give 2-3 spots for her aunts and uncles?

[Whatdoido2017]

Sorry to clarify - dad's 25 are my first aunts, uncles and cousins. I grew up with them and knew them well in childhood, but Don t really know them now. I haven't met most of these 10 others who are great aunts and uncles iyswim

[Whatdoido2017]

She'd say she can't pick 2 or 3 out of them.

[lunar1]

Are your mum and dad together?

[FenellaFellorick]

then tell her you'll pick for her.

[Whatdoido2017]

Yes. She is closer to hus family than these extra10.

I really don't know if I'm in the wrong.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

When dh and I got married, his parents and mine each got to invite 10 people - because I knew they'd want to invite some people (eg. friends who had invited them to their children's weddings, and relatives they knew but we didn't know so well).

But that was what felt right for us - that's all. It isn't going to be right for everyone.

[WhitePhantom]

Are all 25 from your dad's side? None invited from your mum's side? In that case I can kind of understand her being a bit upset! If you rarely see many of the 25 from your dad's side could you not leave a few of them out and ask a few from your mum's side?

You say your mum has no siblings and isn't in contact with her nieces and nephews... I'm confused there - if she has no siblings how could she have any nieces or nephews??

[Whatdoido2017]

Her brother is dead and she didn't keep.in touch with his kids.

[Whatdoido2017]

As I said, those 25 are first aunts and uncles and cousins who.I know, even though we aren't close

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Your and DPs wedding, your guestlist.

Your Mum should be content with a +1.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

So you want to invite a large number of your dads family and NONE at all from your mothers? And you are surprised she has a problem with this?

[Sparkletastic]

We didn't cave in to similar demands from MIL when we got married and kept it to 5 immediate family members on either side. This meant she couldnt invite her 2 brothers plus their families that she never sees and does nothing but bitch about. We've never regretted it needless to say.

[Sparkletastic]

Scale back on the family all round.

[Howmanywotwots]

She probably just wants to be able to spend time with her family all together, i would invite them

[MaxPepsi]

Ah, sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong.

We invited immediate family members only to our wedding. i.e parents, siblings and aunts and uncles. As we just had to draw the line somewhere. Cousins and other extended family were all invited to the evening do.

My MIL complained that numbers on their side of the family were not as high as on mine. Well - no shit sherlock. DH has one sibling. I have 3 so that was an immediate and obvious discrepancy, without the fact both my parents have siblings and only FIL had siblings.

I (DH had had enough of her by this point) relented in the end and invited 2 of DH's cousins which pacified her. Only 1 attended mind you!

[NRomanoff]

Well it's your wedding, but I can see why she is put out. All you family members are from your dads side and they don't bother with you either.

While I don't think Yabu, I can see why it's bothered her.

[Therein2tics]

Although I should just say "it's your day" I feel that would be too easy to be true!

My wedding felt like the joining of 2 families, and to us that was more important than friends being there. Even tho I love my friends and see them much more than most of relatives (even the close ones!) and will continue to for the rest of my life!
I'd just say that we had a number of relatives like what you have described that were invited but declined to attend, so in the end it wasn't such an issue. Several did attend and it was nice to meet them. It was important to my parents and grandparents. In the end any friends we wanted were invited too.

So it really depends what "wedding" means to you. As I think it is different for different people. A bit like "marriage"!

It wasn't unthoughful of you if you want the people you know/love most to be there ahead of who she wants there (a more common general opinion).