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To tell her I don't want her to be my bridesmaid now?

(54 Posts)
PeonyPivoine Mon 29-Jun-15 09:25:48

I suspect IABU but I need confirmation either way.

DH and I are already legally married, but we did so abroad and now that we are living in the UK we are planning on having a sort of wedding/reception for all the guests who couldn't travel to us at the end of August, which is the vast majority of my family and friends.

When we got engaged in 2011 my friend asked if she could be a bridesmaid during a trip back to the UK. She caught me off guard and I said yes without thinking it through. We have been friends since sixth form but I left the UK as soon as A levels finished and have only seen her once per year at my instigation. She has shown no interest in my life since then and it has very much me keeping the friendship going IYSWIM. She has always relied on me for advice and a shoulder to cry on when things with men/friends go tits up but never even managed to remember my now DHs name or the name of the country I was living in. She didn't want to come to our actual wedding as it would have meant travelling alone.

Last year DH and I moved back to my home town and now live less than a mile away from her, I have seen her only twice-both at my suggestion. The last time was in January when she was eager to confirm I still wanted her as "bridesmaid". Since then she has spoken to me on the phone on numerous occasions only when she's fallen out with someone or wanted to bitch about a former classmate of ours. (Who she was very recently BM for at her wedding). She has made it very clear for that wedding that she wanted to be BM for the sake of it, rather than because she likes our former classmate. Recently she has not been replying to my emails and calls and says she is busy when I try and arrange to meet up, after suggesting she lets me know when she's free I hear nothing.

The reception is in less than two months and I'm not even sure if I want her there at all. Tell me I'm being petulant but I'm really just tired of always making the effort with her and trying to force the friendship when it is so one sided unless she needs someone.

AIBU to tell her I don't need her as a BM? (How would I even word this??) I've lovely, supportive friends that I didn't ask because she had already asked me.

StayWithMe Mon 29-Jun-15 09:29:54

What's the worst that'll happen? She'll never speak to you again? Sure, from the sounds of things she doesn't bother her arse anyway. You could always say you've dropped her because you felt her heart wasn't in it, as she seems to be avoiding you.

SirPercyPilkington Mon 29-Jun-15 09:30:58

She asked to be your BM?! How cheeky!

Just tell her straight that she isn't your BM anymore as you have chosen a closer friend.

She sounds pretty rude so just be direct so there is no confusion.

RavioliOnToast Mon 29-Jun-15 09:32:01

just tell her that as you never see her or hear back from her that she didn't want to be bm anymore. And thay sorry but you've asked 'Sarah' or whoever instead now.

I'd close it with the statement someone else is already doing it cause she might try and wriggle her way back in

ollieplimsoles Mon 29-Jun-15 09:33:33

You don't ask someone if you can be a bridesmaid... They ask you.

So she invited herself to this really. In hindsight you should have said at the time "well we don't know how many we want/ who to ask yet" but now I would just say: 'We have scaled wedding back a bit and don't need you anymore, but you can still come to reception/ ceremony what ever.'

And leave it at that. You should like you don't even really like her much, and she's going to need to take more of an interest if she's a bridesmaid which it doesn't sound like she will.

Tell her now, before this goes further.

bostonbaby Mon 29-Jun-15 09:34:00

What exactly would be the point ofa bridesmaid in this situation?
You are already married, this is just a delayed party.
Does she expect you to pay for a fancy frock and her hair done?

Dowser Mon 29-Jun-15 09:34:54

Or you aren't having that sort of wedding now.
you've scaled down your plans
Be Unobtainable .
I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

PeonyPivoine Mon 29-Jun-15 09:35:38

I was very taken aback when she asked which is why I said yes I think. I'm normally very assertive but at that point I hadn't even thought about BMs.

I think it's too late to ask someone else but I do think I'd be happier without her. I don't want to hurt her feelings as I don't think she is purposefully selfish, she just doesn't think.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 29-Jun-15 09:37:10

I think I'd go for the "Well we're already married we aren't planning on having any bridemaids." It would be a shame to upset her and lose such a long friendship but equally bridesmaids seem unnecessary in the situation you describe.

LazyLouLou Mon 29-Jun-15 09:39:39

Just stop trying to contact her. If she has the nerve to contact you in the meantime, tell her that as she hadn't returned your calls you have arranged things without her. If her feelings get hurt it will be as a result of her own actions... nothing to do with you!

Just stop wasting brain space on her.

And have a nice ceremony smile

MadamG Mon 29-Jun-15 09:41:29

Can you tell her your plans are getting clearer. You now don't need a bridesmaid but other friends x and y will do and name specific roles. Tell her you are sorting out the invites and will let her know soon what she's invited to.

Fabellini Mon 29-Jun-15 09:43:07

I don't think you necessarily need to tell her anything. You say that you instigate all the meet ups, so stop doing it. Don't get in touch with her if you don't want to.
If she doesn't bother either, well then, that's it.
As an aside, I don't think you really need a bridesmaid at all, do you?
If you've already had the wedding and this is just a celebration of that, then what are they actually meant to do?
No judgement if you want somebody there in that role, but if it's causing you problems maybe you could just not?

MissBattleaxe Mon 29-Jun-15 09:45:24

It doesn't sound like much of a friendship so just tell her that since you're already married there's no bridesmaids. Don't budge. If she kicks off or makes you feel bad you know the friendship definitely isn't worth keeping.

Heels99 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:46:08

You are already married, this is a party not a wedding. You don't have bridesmaids at parties. So therefore she isn't required to be a bridesmaid just say you have had a rethink. Still invite her to the party.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Mon 29-Jun-15 09:46:09

Are you having other bridesmaids? if not then it's easy to say 'we've decided no bridesmaids as it's just a post wedding celebration'. If you've other bridesmaids you'll have to:

A) Fib that you're scaling back on the bridal party due to costs. Say you very much hope she'll still attend the wedding (and keep fingers crossed she'll not bother).

B) Tell her straight that you're not happy with your friendship, have grown apart etc. Be prepared for some fall out.

B is probably the most honest way - like ripping off a plaster it will be hard but will be over more quickly.

SycamoreMum Mon 29-Jun-15 09:46:55

Erm don't include her in your plans and don't contact her...?

Get on with your plans and life like she is. If she contacts you about being a bridesmaid again say these exact words to her, "Kick rocks!"

Heels99 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:48:09

You word it as 'friend, you were so kind to offer to be bridesmaid but as we got married last year we are past the bridesmaid stage now so won't be having bridesmaids etc but hope you can still make the party'

PeonyPivoine Mon 29-Jun-15 09:48:32

We are having another ceremony boston as our legal one was just that, agreeing to the tenets of family law in the country we got married in and signing to indicate we did.. Devoid of all romance. It's sort of a wedding, but it does feel somewhat fraudulent to call it one!

BMs are dressing themselves, it's not a big 'do and I want them to feel comfortable so I won't impose my taste on them.

I think I'm too chicken to tell her to her face but equally I want to be the bigger person in the situation and let her know there has been a change of plan.

pictish Mon 29-Jun-15 09:50:00

I would have no problem sacking her off as bridesmaid.
Just tell her you've shelved the bridesmaid idea and aren't going to bother with any. Keep it short and sweet in an email or something.

Hi Xxxx

Hope this finds you well and other brief small talk expressing an interest in her life, and maybe including a small detail about yours.

Anyway, I thought I should let you know that for the upcoming reception, I have decided to simplify and keep things informal. It's just going to be a straightforward party, which won't require you come along in a bridesmaid's role. Thanks for the longstanding offer to be mine though - I appreciate it so much.

Maybe we can catch up blah blah blah. See you soon.


MamaLazarou Mon 29-Jun-15 09:50:38

YANBU. It's not a wedding so why would you need a bridesmaid? She needs to get over herself!

Hobbes8 Mon 29-Jun-15 09:51:08

Do you want to have bridesmaids, just not her? Or do you not want bridesmaids at all and are only having her because she asked you?

Replacing her with someone else will be harsher than telling her you've decided to scale things back, but frankly she sounds like a cow, so just do it and deal with the fall out.

Do you have mutual friends?

pictish Mon 29-Jun-15 09:52:36

Good you want a bridesmaid that isn't her? I was assuming you weren't wanting one or any at all.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 29-Jun-15 09:53:01

What a cheek, I would tell her that you are having only a couple of very close friends as bridesmaids and you cannot afford any more sorry!

pictish Mon 29-Jun-15 09:54:18

Why is she desperate to be a bridesmaid anyway?

PeonyPivoine Mon 29-Jun-15 10:02:03

I do very much want to keep my other BMs (dsis & very close friend), so if she still comes she will know that it was just her I didn't want.

We don't even have mutual friends because she was the only one I kept in touch with from school when I left. (Only went to that school for sixth form though). I bump into her parents often in the supermarket though and I don't want it to be awkward. She still lives at home and I don't fancy being bad mouthed to her DM when I'm not in the wrong. Sigh.

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