wwyd re: DSD being nasty to DD?

[AlmondAmy]

DSD is 9 and struggles to maintain friendships. She has quit 5 activities she enjoys this year because she's fallen out with someone. She makes my (otherwise tough 8 yo) DD cry every time she comes. This time she called her fat, stupid, an idiot, told her she hated her, that she is never to touch her or her things and that she wished she never had to see her again.

75% of the time they are the best of friends but when DSD is nasty, she's really nasty. DD was so upset but I know by next time she'll have forgiven her. However, I feel like DSDs nastiness needs addressing. DD shares her toys, asks to save activities for when DSD is there do she can do them too etc yet gets nastiness in return.

DP just tells DD not to tell tales and to play nicely but I think it's gone on long enough and needs dealing with. Wwyd?

[WorraLiberty]

How long has her Dad been living with you and your DD?

Do you think she's resentful/jealous of your DD for living with her Dad?

[lizabeth0607]

I would definitely do something about it, sounds like more than typical sibling squabbles and you don't want your DD self esteem affected with comments about her weight and intelligence etc. It's a shame your DP isn't more supportive too however your DD sounds lovely

[notmyusualMNname123]

I've nc'd for this because this is such a big thing in my life at the moment (so sorry for my personal stuff coming into your issue)

1. I always feel very sorry for 'steps' because I generally think they have the worst of all worlds. By virtue of the fact they are a step, their precious parent has gone out and effectively 'replaced' them with a new, more permanent family. A new family that their ex parent expects them to fit into for short time periods.
   
   Before you even start on your issue, you and your DD are winners, and she has already lost.
   So I urge you to be mindful of that and forgiving. It must be horrible, and she's only 9!
   
   
2. I 'listened' and 'heard' my DD complaining about her cousin - who she adored. It went on for several years. I stood back, I didn't interfere. I tried to give my DD some 'codes' so she could safely ask for help without further enraging her cuz. It kind of got worse, got worse. It went from DD being excited to seeing her cousin to being quite nervous "I wonder which mood cousin will be in today" to her not wanting to see her cousin. So, to support DD, I gave DS excuses about why we couldn't visit.
   It ended up with DS finding out I'd made excuses and going bat-shit. And then she found out about the codes and it got worse.
   
   Me and DS have been NC for 4 years now. The girls rarely see each other and miss each other terribly - they've moved on and are at different ages and stages and what used to be a problem isn't any more.
   
   PLEASE don't get overly invested in what your children tell you. Please let them fight their own battles (do help and support them). Because adults interfering in kids stuff doesn't help - they move on!

[junebirthdaygirl]

My dd had that from her cousin growing up. They would be such buddies and then a little thing would happen and cousin would let fly. Her parents were going through separation and she was angry. Next time they would be best pals again. They spent a lot of time together as we were supporting her mom a lot. Roll on the years they are early twenties and so close. My dd says she will be her bridesmaid etc. It's not right for your dd but the other little one sound very hurt so could her dad give her more one on one time and just try to make sure her tank is full everytime

[AlmondAmy]

Six years and DSD has always been this way. Even on days out she'll make others cry or else claim she's being bullied by someone.

[AlmondAmy]

She is similarly cruel to her brother that she lives with who now just gives in to whatever she wants or else goes to his GPs house when not with us.

[WorraLiberty]

How much time does she get alone with her Dad, away from you and your DD?

[JakieOH]

Another post about stepchildren being 'replaced' because they're are other children in their lives justifying what's is clearly bad behaviour . It is possible that the SC is just being nasty because she is naughty and should be dealt with as such? Just because she is a stepchild doesn't mean that is the reason for her behaviour? I despair!

[AlmondAmy]

About six hrs each visit but she spends s lot of it asking when we can all be together again. She chooses tosspend more time with DD and I than with her dad.

[Reginafalangie]

Sorry but your DP is crap. He needs to parent his daughter, teach her right from wrong and punish her accordingly. She will continue this behaviour regardless of what you do. It isn't you that can stop it I am afraid it is her father that can change her behaviour.

Tell your DP he needs to start acting like a father not a friend.

[WorraLiberty]

It's a bit early to despair isn't it JakieOH?

I mean since no-one has yet given a particularly strong opinion on this?

[JakieOH]

No strong opinion other than a feeling that SC have the worst of both worlds and have been replaced if there are other children in their parents family? Perhaps despair is a strong word been involved in another thread tonight with similar ideas as above.

[JakieOH]

OP I would suggest you read the other thread where the Poster is considering no longer allowing her SD back to her house hope you can sort it out before it escilates to a similar sotuation she is in!

[jacks11]

I think if it is upsetting your DD, then it should not be ignored and her told to "play nicely, stop telling tales". I do understand that your DSD is probably finding it difficult at the moment, but while that may explain the reason for some of the bad behaviour it actually doesn't excuse it or make it ok. She needs to understand that she shouldn't be behaving that way and ways to help her feel more settled and secure found. Your DD needs to know she will be believed/helped if needed.

I think you should talk to your DP about it, at the very least he should listen to what has happened before he decides it's just your DD "telling tales".

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

You're not going to solve this problem until your DP stops being a Disney dad and starts parenting his children properly.

[NRomanoff]

The problem is your dp handling this by telling your dd to stop telling tales. Dsd is a child and obviously needs help handling her feelings. Some of that help needs to be discipline. Not just discipline, but it needs to be there.

Your dp isn't helping anyone with his attitude.

[LovelyFriend]

Yes your DP needs to step up and parent his child. Unacceptable behaviour and not fair on other child. I was subject to that kind of verbal abuse from XP and it really is quite damaging to be repeatedly on the receiving end of no matter how tough or supported you might otherwise feel.

DSDmay benefit from some counselling to explore her behaviour and make changes.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

The trouble with the just play nicely approach - and the don't tell tales approach is the same thing - is that the message to dd is effectively put up and shut up, stop telling us that you're unhappy because it's awkward to deal with. unacceptable, hurtful behaviour is not ok no matter what the additional challenges the child may have, step child, SN, whatever. It means the child may need more support and time to learn the right behaviour but it doesn't excuse the behaviour.

might it help to stay with the children throughout the visit, structure and provide activities more than let them go off and play alone, keep them busy, and you're then there to stop and work through any negative behaviour that emerges? Every single time, consistently, so it is never just let go? You're also going to maybe get a clearer view of what sets the behaviour off. Ie if the nasty comments start if dd has something or does something that annoys dsd you're there to say nope we don't talk to each other like that, I think you mean you're cross this and this happened. And then whether it's sorting out turn taking or whatever you've walked the girls through repairing it. making some family rules can also be helpful and putting them somewhere visible, adding in something about kind words. And the book words are not for hurting is a good one on Amazon, your dd might like a copy of that.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Sorry, ipad believes in random decapiitalization.

[Mehitabel6]

I think that you need to be a united front with DP and parent properly with boundaries. I also understand why she is doing it because she comes off worst - the other child is central and she is the visitor.
You could also spend more time with her alone and build up your own relationship- not have it all through DP.

[teeththief]

This time she called her fat, stupid, an idiot, told her she hated her, that she is never to touch her or her things and that she wished she never had to see her again

Apart from the calling her fat, these are the sorts of things me and my siblings used to say to each other! My parents gave up trying to stop us as we'd be friends again within 10 minutes.

My DC also say similar things to each other when they're annoyed. I do, however, pick them up on it.

I think your DH needs to have a word with her but I don't see it as a major issue I am beginning to wonder if my parents were majorly slack and I saw things as normal when they actually aren't though

[Rebecca2014]

This is an father issue again! surly he should be disciplining his daughter properly. She sounds like a bully and it needs to stop now before she becomes every child worst nightmare at secondary school.

[Hygge]

"1) I always feel very sorry for 'steps' because I generally think they have the worst of all worlds. By virtue of the fact they are a step, their precious parent has gone out and effectively 'replaced' them with a new, more permanent family. A new family that their ex parent expects them to fit into for short time periods.

Before you even start on your issue, you and your DD are winners, and she has already lost."

The OP's own DD is possibly in the same situation though. She is also a step-child, in her own home and possibly elsewhere.

She's living with her Mum and Step-Dad, but that means her own Dad is more than likely living elsewhere with another family as well. Unless he has died, or she never knew him, or he just doesn't bother to see her. And none of that is really any better.

So the OP's DD is no more a 'winner' than the OP's DSD is.

And DSD's Dad isn't her ex-parent, just because he doesn't live with her mother anymore.

It sounds like he's the one handling things badly. If his daughter is behaving like this because she is unhappy, he needs to be doing something about that.

Instead he's letting her continue in her unhappy/unpleasant behaviour, and he's making his own DSD unhappy as well by telling her to just suck up the awful things his daughter is doing and saying to her, because it's easier for him than dealing with it.

[bettysviolin]

Would it help to take the behaviour at face value and not attach lots of deep psychological links to it? They are there, of course, but the bottom line is - if she behaves like that people won't like spending time with her. And she needs to know this.

Reward her loads for when she's nice. Comment on her ability to get on well and be kind to her DSS. When she can't, ask her to go somewhere and calm down. Give her a drink and a toy or book and say when she feels ready to get on with her DSS again, to come back in. Teach her to monitor and soothe her own bad temper. I wouldn't 'punish' a child who is so obviously wound up by the changes in her circumstances. Just help her to behave better.

[BitOfABoost]

Have you sat with either of them and explained how to be good friends and how to react if someone is not being kind? Rather than some excluding kind of code between you and your DD you need to help them communicate better with each other.

It sounds like the kind of yucky behaviours that go on in the classroom all the time. But probably/possibly slightly extenuated as they are with family.

Try a few books to help them - and get them used to the fact they have to work it out more - rather than you DD having you to run to iyswim.

Keep an eye on it yes. Step in at every squabble? No.
Something like this: One copy each! www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Popularity/dp/1609582233/ref=dp_ob_image_bk?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21