To wish he'd just stop moaning.(41 Posts)
I have namechanged for this in case DP realises this is about him and reads my other posts.
I might be being unreasonable so please tell me if I am and I'll cut him some slack.
DP has, IMO a nice and easy life. He doesn't work (I am the major breadwinner) and looks after DD 18mo for approx half the day. The other half of the day I look after her. Sometimes we do things together as a family.
So, he has plenty of spare time. He occasionally loads the dishwasher and does the grocery shopping but not much else. In fact I need to get a cleaner.
I on the other hand work every spare minute I have (run my own business), look after DD 50% of the time (at least), do all house related admin, every single night waking and always have done and up until very recently have been BF a lot. Oh and I'm 6 months pregnant so feel knackered at the best of times but just get on with it.
I don't mind doing so much and him having an easier life in comparison, what grates on me is that he always walks around sighing, saying how tired he is, how much he needs a break etc etc. He was the one who wanted to give up work to look after DD part time so that we didn't have to send her to nursery quite yet.
I'm concerned as with another DC due in a few short months, life is never going to be this easy again. God forbid he may actually have to go out to work one day as well!
AIBU to want him to man the hell up?
Seems a bit mean-hearted for the person you love. Or do you love him?
Oh dear god he doesn't know he's born. I'd be giving him a cold hard reality check or telling him to get a job and you will pay for childcare and cleaning.
So what does he do during the half of the day when he's not looking after DD? I really can't see why he's so tired. In fact, I can't see why he couldn't do more housework while he's looking after her - surely he could do some cleaning while she plays, and some of the house related admin.
I don't know what he does with his spare time. He's always off out somewhere or has something urgent to do. But he does have it relatively easy doesn't he? I feel like his moaning is a bit of a kick in the teeth TBH as he / we are lucky to both get so much time with DD and that is because of my work. It does worry me that he can't cope even with his easy life and that just puts even more pressure on me to do everything.
He doesn't sound happy at all, would he prefer to work too?
Uh. I hate whiners, male or female. Lots of female professional mummy-whiners in blogs at the moment.
The moaning is not the problem! If he isn't working, he needs to step up so that you are not run ragged. Time for a full and frank discussion.
If you don't know what he does in his spare time, I'd start asking. It's not that he can't have a life of his own but I can't imagine having at least a vague idea of what DH was doing if he went out somewhere. Why would you not tell your spouse that stuff?
Did he work full time before he gave it up? Settling on doing a half day is unusual - most people doing this do the whole day as you get most benefit, personal and financial, that way. Did he say then he wouldn't be able to cope with full days? Does he have medical or other conditions that might explain this?
On the face of it, he seems to be majorly slacking to me, but let's just establish context to be sure.
I think he genuinely feels that he has a full and hard going life. But he really doesn't - I'm living it too. Yes having a small child is hard but looking after her for a few hours a day and not having any other responsibilities is not that hard, surely! I do wish he'd step up because I have been running myself into the ground; although I do it because I love my DD and I love working so I just get on with it.
He isn't depressed at all. He isn't playing away either. I just don't think he has a grip on reality.
I have tried to talk to him many times and asked him to do more to help and he gets really defensive and makes me feel completely unreasonable to suggest such a thing. Occasionally he will do a bit more house stuff for a day or two and then it goes back to normal.
I think sometimes that he would be better off going back to work but he completely freaks out when I suggest this and makes me feel guilty because why would I want to put DD in childcare for half the day when he could be looking after her. It's all a bit of a mess and I feel like I'm dealing with another child most of the time.
I think he's another man who values men's contribution to family more than women's.
He sees his childcare input as more important than yours. In his eyes he's making a huge effort, making a big contribution. You're off at work half the day, so you just don't see how hard he has it.
He doesn't value the childcare, etc. that you do.
Serious chat time.
Euphemia - I have never looked at it that way before. You may well be right. He is very much a performance parent as well. I will give what you said some thought, thanks!
I think he sounds bored. Being at home with young children can be very boring. And boredom is incredibly tiring.
I do wonder what the replies would be to this thread had it been a man posting about his wife rather than the other way around?
I completely agree with euphemia, I also since a lot of resentment on both sides.
At the moment you see yourself as the 'male' in the family and just want to be looked after yourself but at the moment you feel you have 3 children and a third on the way. What you really would like is him to take some responsibility I.e take some control of the bills etc...
If think he needs a reality check of actually how much responsibility you actually have, I bet if you went away for a week on a 'business trip ' or something and left him to pay bills, cook, clean, childcare, money control he'd actually see how much you do and how little he 'thinks' he does x resentment definitely coming from your side and him busts feeling sorry for himself and hard done by?
He needs to go back to work. Being a SAHP obviously doesn't suit him.
My DH is a SAHP and he's fantastic at managing the house etc. But he found the loss of identity and all that comes from work really difficult to adjust to. He now does a lot of volunteering and that helps.
But the man wouldn't be six months pregnant, Pepper. It wouldn't work.
My sister's husband was like this. Eventually he was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. If he is genuinely tired all the time you could suggest her visits the GP.
Your right line,
OP do you feel like he feels he's doing you a massive favour by having ds for half the day and not seen it like this is he's role that he's doing it so your ds doesn't go to nursery?
Why can't he look after your daughter all day? Isn't the main point of being a SAHP to look after the children?
What about together working out a schedule of what needs doing each week - clean bathroom, hoover, dust, change beds, house admin, mow lawn and so on - then agree who is responsible for what and stick to it. As you work outside the house you should have fewer tasks assigned to you, and fewer still as your pregnancy progresses.
It's possible your DH is oblivious to how much needs doing so this way he realises what it takes to run the home. And if he knows but has been deliberately shirking having the schedule will hold him accountable.
OP, why would you need to put your DD into childcare for half the day if you worked full time? Surely if you worked full time he would take over her care? I can't believe he is using that as an excuse!
How do you work full time and look after the child 50% of the time?
I've seen a lot of threads saying that "women looking after toddlers ARE working, it's a full time job ect ect"
I am on maternity leave as I am 40 weeks pregnant, I have a 2 year old to look after and still do all the cooking and cleaning as well as doing 18 hours a week for my degree. my husband doesn't pick up the slack as he also does a degree and works 60+ hours a week.
You both sound like although neither of you have particularly demanding schedules you are moaning at eachother about running a pretty normal household, either pull together and sort it out or split up, it will get harder when the other child comes, what then?
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