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MIL (I know, sorry) or me, who is BU?

(46 Posts)
Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:03:14

The inlaws were leaving this afternoon and asked that I bring swimming kit for the children next weekend when we visit for FIL's birthday. I said if I remember then I will put it in (dh is away so it will just be me having to remember). The children are having a sleepover and I am going to stay at my parents. They then told me that their other grandchild will be there without parents (that is a dysfunctional story for another day) so 2 70 year olds want to take a 6 yr old, 5 yr old and 2 yr old swimming (none of whom can actually swim properly yet) on their own. I said I wasn't comfortable with this so wouldn't be able to bring their swimming clothes. They got a bit huffy with me so I said I would check with dh and see what he thought. MIL's parting shot was 'there will be a lifeguard you know'.
Anyway, I checked with dh and he said he doesn't think there is a lifeguard at this pool (it is in a hotel complex). So I rang to check and he is right - no lifeguard. So she lied to me about something so important! I feel that she cares more about getting what she wants than about the children's safety and I am fuming!!! But AIBU? There is history, I find them very controlling and emotionally manipulative so am not sure if I am potentially making a mountain out of a molehill? I just don't know if I can trust them.

PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 28-Jun-15 20:07:49

YANBU, I would not trust them either. they want their 'fun' above the childrens safety IMO. However, rather than just 'forgetting' Dcs kit (which may lead to ILs letting them swim in undies?) I would discuss properly your concerns, about supervision ratios.

NinkyNonkers Sun 28-Jun-15 20:08:06

She probably just assumed there would be, as most pools have one.

TidyDancer Sun 28-Jun-15 20:13:50

I agree with Ninky. I wouldn't assume mil actually lied, rather just assumed, unless you can be sure otherwise.

The ages don't bother me in this scenario btw, but I'd be iffy about non-swimmers having less than one adult each.

Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:14:48

I would like to think that ninky but she has been a member of this hotel complex for 20 years and swims fairly regularly. My dh who hasn't been swimming in this pool in the last 10 years knew there wasn't a lifeguard but I rang to check in case things had changed. The ratios are 3-1 which I was a little surprised at as there is no shallow end, maybe they expect children to wear inflatables which mine don't own because they only go swimming for their lessons or when we can man mark them!

PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 28-Jun-15 20:16:47

yes, she may just have assumed there would be a lifeguard (I'm surprised there isn't, how is that allowed ?? - a guest may have a heart attack or get into difficulty even if they are a competent swimmer!?)

but OP says MIL has form for being controlling/manipulative too

StrawberryMojito Sun 28-Jun-15 20:18:21

I would have assumed every pool open to public would have a lifeguard so YABU to call her a liar.

Lovepancakes Sun 28-Jun-15 20:18:25

It sounds ok to me, as one can manage the 2 year old and the other the other two who presumably might be more sensible and cautious. but you know them and whether they are careful people or a bit carefree so I'd follow your instinct

PHANTOMnamechanger Sun 28-Jun-15 20:18:38

GPs wishes don't trump parents wishes when it comes to child safety. You and DH are united on thsi matter, the ILs need to listen and respect your wishes, and NOT go against them or you can never trust them with Dc again. They'd be idiots to risk that surely?

mrstweefromtweesville Sun 28-Jun-15 20:21:33


It is not ok. Your children do not go anywhere that you are not comfortable with. They are your children and ultimately your responsibility.

Tell the grandparents you aren't comfortable, and offer to go along too or to take your children elsewhere while they take the other grandchild to swim. You might have to alter your arrangements but your children's safety takes priority.

Birdsgottafly Sun 28-Jun-15 20:21:56

It depends on how fit and healthy they are.

My Mum took my two swimming, four and six, at 70, my youngest has SN, she was still strong. She was my childcare until late 70's and didn't retire as a Lollypop lady until 80.

They sound like competent swimmers.

treeshine Sun 28-Jun-15 20:24:38

They will be fine you know. I regularly take my 1.5 a and 3 year old swimming and have done since youngest was 3 weeks old. Having said that - you are the mum so it is your preogative to say no.

Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:25:56

Love pancakes my concern is that the older two will be really excitable about seeing each other. Ds (the 2 yr old) is all about his grandad so won't want grandma but she won't manage the other 2. FIL is a misogynistic dick who doesn't listen to mil and always has to be right so he will encourage wild crazy games but will in effect be in charge of all 3 children. MIL for all my issues with her would be more sensible but is not forceful enough to be in charge.

Phantom I hope u r right. I feel bad getting dh to talk to them about this when they have just babysat for us but I feel it needs to be said. If we ignore this then I think we are setting ourselves back in terms of them considering us to be adults with valid opinions. In the past when we have tried to stand our ground we have been railroaded.

Birdsgottafly Sun 28-Jun-15 20:27:30

And of course how risk aware they are.

I would of thought that there was just as much danger in general minding them overnight as a visit to a pool they use weekly, if they aren't competent.

BarbarianMum Sun 28-Jun-15 20:28:05

I can't imagine why 2 adults can't supervise 3 children in a swimming pool but your kids, your choice. Am surprised your happy to leave them with their GP at all if you think they are incapable.

BarbarianMum Sun 28-Jun-15 20:28:49

Sorry cross post.

chickenfuckingpox Sun 28-Jun-15 20:29:27

there is no shallow end no life guard they have no floats two pairs of hands three children

i can see your concern

Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:29:53

Mrstwee that sounds like a good compromise. I will say that dh said there isn't a lifeguard so if they would like to take them all swimming then I could come too and then I would feel happier. They won't be happy, I am a nuisance who stops them from living out their perfect grandparent fantasies, or in the case of my daughter the perfect parent fantasy!

Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:35:11

Birdsgottafly I would love to not let them look after the children. I massively don't trust them but dh is slower to catch up to me. They aren't incompetent it is the emotional blackmail that bothers me. They try and buy the children and are quite insidious about how they talk about my family. A big thing is that they are having the children for 3 nights at the end of the month (they wanted 6 nights) and we are so worried that they will take the children to meet their insane uncle (father of the other grandchild who is not allowed to see his son) as they don't think there is anything wrong with him and blame his ex. We are going to have to bring this up soon but in for a penny...

morethanpotatoprints Sun 28-Jun-15 20:35:36

Why are you letting them babysit? There is no way I'd have left my dc with people I had such little respect for and couldn't trust, whoever they were.
I wouldn't have trusted my parents to mind over night, but we visited often.
It's your call, nobody can tell you what to do.

oddfodd Sun 28-Jun-15 20:38:44

Once again random ageism is perfectly okay on MN. If your mil swims every week she's probably a better swimmer than you are. If you're really worried, buy the 2 year old some armbands.

I'm not sure how you take two non-swimming children into the pool without flotation devices unless you hold them? confused

oddfodd Sun 28-Jun-15 20:39:39

Ah x-post. Nothing to do with swimming at all

PannaDoll Sun 28-Jun-15 20:40:30

I don't understand the concern. I would expect two able bodied adults to be able to juggle three children in a pool. I personally think floats hinder children swimming so don't see that the addition of them would change the situation. Sounds like they had s nice day planned for the kids.

Donthackmenow Sun 28-Jun-15 20:41:23

Because i keep thinking they're not as bad as I think. The children love them, mil is insanely jealous of my parents and everything has to be kept 'fair' so that no one is the favourite. Dh loves them although has begun to see their faults. And don't get me wrong my parents aren't perfect but I can call them on stuff and they get over it!

Bodicea Sun 28-Jun-15 20:44:07

Personally I would never let anyone take my children swimming unless or dh was there too. I have refused my mil and she accepted with reasonably good grace ( not so much with me insisting she use our own rear facing car seat but that's another story). Your children, your rules!

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