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to ask what are you friendship red flags?

(107 Posts)
Buffyitout Sun 28-Jun-15 19:25:16

(As opposed to romantic relationship ones.)

I ask because a friend of a few years' standing has always left me feeling uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think its because she has never introduced me to any of hers yet she's met most of mine. And isnt in touch with any of her old friends, or bridesmaids, everyone around her seems "new."

Are these red flags? What are yours?

LashesandLipstick Sun 28-Jun-15 19:29:01

People who come out with racist or homophobic remarks

FishCanFly Sun 28-Jun-15 19:30:29

Sometimes friends of yours doesn't mean they are/can be friends of each other.

UglyBugaz Sun 28-Jun-15 19:33:08

I don't trust people who don't have old time friends. I had one once and she did something very bad to me because she became obsessed with me which is hint why she had no friends

alwaysaskingquestionz Sun 28-Jun-15 19:33:54

Coming on too strong too soon. Every woman I've ever met who thinks early on that we're besties with a 'special connection' has turned out to be an emotional vampire who expects me to drop everything to rush to their aid for every overblown self-perpetuated drama. I seem to attract them.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Sun 28-Jun-15 19:36:02

Competitive people. I just can't be arsed to compete.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles Sun 28-Jun-15 19:37:32

Asking to take your children on holiday with her on the second time we went out for the day.

AlmaMartyr Sun 28-Jun-15 19:37:42

People who don't have friends from their past are a bit of worry. I've come across people who have a knack for making me feel grateful for their friendship iyswim? Difficult to explain, but they sort of 'bestow' time on you.

squishyeyeballs Sun 28-Jun-15 19:38:17

People who are overly clingy. I'm the type of person who has a few close friends but I need my own space so don't need to be meeting up constantly and chatting daily etc. Had a friend from school who became a bit much a few years ago, at one point she left 18 missed calls on my phone in the space of a couple of hours hmm Also, bitchy people. If soneone in my circle became bitchy, bitter or jealous, I'd put as much space between them as I could.

Optimist1 Sun 28-Jun-15 19:39:21

People who are rude to waiting staff or shop assistants.
People who conversationally admit to dodgy dealings (the assumption being that I'd be OK with that).

SaucyJack Sun 28-Jun-15 19:40:35

Users. Those with cobwebs over their purse clasp or those who think the phone only transmits conversation outwards. Or both in some cases!

I have way too much ego of my own to play a bit part in the movie of someone else's life.

AlmaMartyr Sun 28-Jun-15 19:41:08

Telling personal secrets bothers me too. I don't mind a spot of light gossip but when it gets nasty, or involves telling me things that have obviously been told in confidence, it really makes me back away.

BitchPeas Sun 28-Jun-15 19:44:09

All of the above.

And people who seem to revel in your misery and get grumpy when your life is good.

mmmminx Sun 28-Jun-15 19:47:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twirlypoo Sun 28-Jun-15 19:47:24

I don't have old friends. I have moved loads with work and so I've lost touch with most people. It makes me a bit sad that Id be a red flag!

Feelingworriednow Sun 28-Jun-15 19:47:28

Someone who can't be pleased for you when something good happens or you happen to make a different choice to her. Eg choosing a private school vs outstanding town comp.

flessan Sun 28-Jun-15 19:53:06

I don't have old friends. I was constantly told by my stepmother that I wasn't the sort of person who had friends - to the extent it became self fulfilling. It wasn't until I met my dH and then had some decent therapy post kids, that I started to see myself as someone worthy of being loved/liked that I was able to make connections with people. So my oldest friend (apart from his best mans wife who I love now but who I kept at arms length for a long time) I've only known for 10 years. But I'm a good friend now- at least, many of my friends have told me so.

Taytocrisps Sun 28-Jun-15 19:54:57

What Feelingworried said about people who get jealous/express reservations when something good happens to you.

People who thrive on drama and are constantly falling out with their friends/family. It's usually only a matter of time before it happens with you. And the drama is very draining. It's not that I'm unsympathetic and I'd feel sorry/sympathize with anyone having a bad time of it. But when the person is obviously the cause of their own problems, I steer clear.

People who express extreme views - homophobic, racist, extremely religious etc.

People who make you feel bad about yourself. Often it's so subtle that you can't quite quite put your finger on it.

timeforacheckup Sun 28-Jun-15 20:01:52

I don't have any old friends, feel very sad that I am a red flag, although explains why noone wants to be friends with me now.
The reason I have no friends is that I don't think anyone would want to be friends with me and so when I move, I assume my old friends would not want to stay in touch as they are better than me and probably embarassed to be friends with me. I feel that contacting them would be an intrusion and they never bother to conract me - sadly the only one who did bother died last year.

lilliemacbeth26 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:16:30

Red flags: talking badly about other people often or all the time.
Snide remarks.
Accepting lots of favours but never offering help.

On the other hand I also have no old friends. sad
I have moved a few times but more importantly, the friends I made over the years have been often quite toxic and sometimes not 'relevant' as both parties develop and move on.

My first BFF from school was lovely but very intense. It was more like having a bf and she ended up copying everything I did including training in the same profession as me, even contacting my employer to ask them questions about how to succeed in the industry hmm.

I moved country and my next 'BFF' was someone from my home country and we gave each other a lot of support whilst away om home. But we really had nothing in common other than a shared background and, whilst living together in a flat share in London, she started hanging out with a bunch I do didn't like. They did a lot of coke and other stuff which was not by cup of tea.

In the meantime another value friend of mine back home had a depression and I supported her remotely and stayed in contact for another give years. A that point she started having lots of affairs with married men, which put me off. The friendship drizzled out.

Then.... A few years after when I was 30 I became very close fronds with a woman and our dh became very close. She turned out to be the umber manipulative scheming narcissism person and it took me 3 years to figure out that this was going on. I neatly lost everything through her but only had been supportive, calm and reliable with her. Since then I have become very very wary and am pretty afraid of making friends.

I didn't just have besties during this time. Sadly it seems that the last 'old' friend I had who never was a 'BFF' but always a good friend seems to have grizzled out as I have married, moved out of London and have dc one with additional needs. She is single, parties a lot and it seems to have grizzled. I am very sad about this. Anyways not sure if I am the root cause of all these failed friendships but my history is not brilliant.

lilliemacbeth26 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:18:10

Argh bad typing on tablet.

lilliemacbeth26 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:19:28

Grizzled, jeee reading my post made me laugh. Hope it makes sense despite appalling typos.

Buffyitout Sun 28-Jun-15 20:31:32

Very sad to hear so many have had bad experiences.

No this friend has lived in the area a while. She seems to find offence when none is meant - not so much with me but with mutual friends and also seems to think I should be offended too when most of the time I let things wash over me.

My besties are from primary school mostly, or my old flatmates and I consider them sisters. Cutting off whole swathes of friends is unimaginable to me.

flora717 Sun 28-Jun-15 20:33:56

Red flags: leaving their child with you after barely an acquaintaince. Seeking to meet all of your friends and family (in a long term friendship that sort of naturally occurs, but randomly dtopping stuff off because you mentioned an old friend was round and inviting themselves in ... weird). Asking to borrow money. Overly interested in your love life.

andyourlittledogtoo Sun 28-Jun-15 20:37:28

People who make you feel bad about yourself. Often it's so subtle that you can't quite quite put your finger on it.

Yep defo!

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