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AIBU to think DH is being a ****

(124 Posts)
rebbles Sun 28-Jun-15 07:51:09

Long story here.

Basically, when I met DH he already had his own house and I moved in and married him eventually.

He has never asked for any money towards mortgage despite me offering all the time, so have have paid for bills and holidays and saved anything else.

Now we have a baby on the way we are moving house.

Yesterday he suddenly demanded that I tell him how much savings I have and give him £10,000 of it for the house move. I agreed even though I said that I would have preferred to just give him money monthly and as I am about to go on maternity leave I could really do with the money as back-up.

Anyway, he then said that he thinks I should ask my dad for £10,000 too. His reason was that his parents gave him this much when he bought the house originally so he thinks it is only fair. I said I don't want to involve my dad and also he doesn't have as much money as DH's parents so that is unreasonable.

He went mental and said that that is what a good dad should do and I should at least ask and try to guilt trip dad into doing it as "he gets a new car each year, just got his house redecorated and a new kitchen and goes on expensive holidays so he can obviously afford it!"

I am so upset as I don't want to ask my dad as I am a grown adult and think it has nothing to do with him and now feel like DH has been looking at everything my dad does scheming to ask him for money. hmm

AIBU or is he?

RinkRashDerbyKisses Sun 28-Jun-15 07:55:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JontyDoggle37 Sun 28-Jun-15 07:56:20

He is being totally unreasonable. Is he normally this nasty or has it come out of nowhere? I think you need a full discussion re finances. If you are married, he should be your backup while on maternity leave, not just your own savings.

tumbletumble Sun 28-Jun-15 07:56:29

He is being completely unreasonable.

RinkRashDerbyKisses Sun 28-Jun-15 07:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keeptothewhiteline Sun 28-Jun-15 07:59:16


You have a lot of unresolved stuff regarding finance here.
The father thing is a red herring.
Are you planning to buy the new property in joint names? I would suggest that for your security you do.You OH may have assets that he wants to protect, but that can be achieved by drawing up a standard security in his favour.
He is being unreasonable to demand that you borrow money from your father.

Is he so controlling in other areas of your life?

SchwarzwalderKirschtorte Sun 28-Jun-15 07:59:48

He is.

It sounds like he's worrying about money tbh but is going about it the wrong way.

It doesn't matter what his parents did or didn't do when he bought the house. Some parents can and do and others can and don't help financially.
As for going to your dad to demand money as he can afford it- no! It's your dad's money and its up to him how he spends it.
Your husband is BVVU

rebbles Sun 28-Jun-15 08:03:00

He is not usually nasty but often horrible about my family. He has been spoilt and his parents pay for everything including his tuition fees ( I got a loan), towards his house deposit, our wedding etc.

My dad is generous but I don't want to take advantage. I will happily give DH my money but when I said I won't ask my dad it turned into a whole-day argument. Don't know where to go from here.

He also said that he would be buying new property alone too, as my contribution would be such a small % that is isn't fair that I own half.

We never talk about money as he is strange about it. He hasn't said whether/how he will support me on maternity leave, he has just said that I should use my savings.

NameChanger2000 Sun 28-Jun-15 08:05:25

If my name wasnt on the paperwork I wouldn't be handing over a penny!

midnightvelvetPart2 Sun 28-Jun-15 08:07:12

If you are married but not on the deeds of the new house, where do you stand if you divorce?

He sounds like a twat btw, not fair that you own half of the new house indeed! I'm guessing you don't have a joint bank account or any clarity of finances.

Is he panicking about something financially & hasn't told you what?

Rosa Sun 28-Jun-15 08:08:53

This is wrong. The new house should be in both your names IMO , what happens in the future if you split , you get nothing yet you are contributing to the running costs. I would not even consider moving unless my name was on the deeds as well. I like many worked before having kids and paid more than half of everything and had more money so paid for holidays etc. Now he earns more I have been a SAHM and am starting working again.. Everything is split and our finances are pretty much open and we know exactly where we stand.

WellErrr Sun 28-Jun-15 08:11:22

Oh my goodness.

DO NOT give this man YOUR money.

Either contribute towards a house that you own jointly or do nothing. You can't just give someone £10k because they demand it.

The dad thing is ridiculous.

This man sounds awful tbh. Sorry flowers

How long have you been together?
You do realise that this is his child too? Not just yours for you to pay for?
Please please don't give him your savings without something legal in place to protect it.

cansu Sun 28-Jun-15 08:11:34

do not give him any money unless your name is going to be on the house also. Also why should you be funding maternity leave yourself. This is his child too. I would start talking tough with him. Tell him you are very unhappy about the financial arrangements and that you need to sort this out in a fair way or he will be moving into his own house on his own.

saturnvista Sun 28-Jun-15 08:13:35

He sounds horrid. I don't think you should contribute if your name isn't going on the deeds. Your Dh is investing in the house; you need your own lump sum to invest elsewhere. Your contribution to the house is toward what you use while you're in it- a proportion of utility bills. About your df he's just nuts.

SchwarzwalderKirschtorte Sun 28-Jun-15 08:14:48

Wow he's a gem isn't he? hmm

Horsemad Sun 28-Jun-15 08:15:43

If you're married, it doesn't matter whether your name is on the deeds or not; the house will still be considered a marital asset if you were to split.

Ragwort Sun 28-Jun-15 08:19:33

Yet again I really wonder why on earth someone would have a child with a man when they haven't even properly discussed financial matters. sad

woowoo22 Sun 28-Jun-15 08:24:06

Doesn't matter if you are on the deeds or not, it is a marital asset.

The mat pay thing is RIDICULOUS. Do you have separate bank accounts still?

Are there any other red flags about him or just money?

Radiatorvalves Sun 28-Jun-15 08:25:47

Agree with others.

FWIW, my Dad gave me a significant sum before I bought house with then bf. his parents couldn't afford to do so...despite having cars and holidays. It was never an issue. Neither he nor would have dreamt of asking for anything! I did have a cohabitation agreement...but as 20 years have gon past and we are now married, it's no longer relevant.

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 28-Jun-15 08:27:12

Horsemad we don't know what country OP is in so it's not automatically true that the house will be a marital asset.

OP your DH is BVVU. It's time for you to have a grown-up chat about finances. It's completely UR to ask you to contribute £10,000 to the house move whilst telling you that you won't be on the title deeds. You need to discuss:
*putting the house in both your names
* how you are both going to finance your maternity leave

There are lots of red flags about this. You are going to have less money because you are on maternity leave and your DH is asking you to give him your safety net of savings for no return. That leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

Perhaps, he's just worrying about money as a PP said, but he's very much worrying about it from his perspective. He's not considering you and he's not actually thinking about how you manage as a family.

As for asking your DF for £10,000 that is so silly that I wouldn't even have argued about it. I'd just have walked away. (It's interesting though that he said you should try to 'guilt' your DF into doing it. That implies your DH uses guilt and manipulation to get what he wants - be careful he's not using similar tactics on you).

Clutterbugsmum Sun 28-Jun-15 08:28:26

Don't give him your money, use it to rent somewhere for you and your DC. So you have a secure house for yourself.

rebbles Sun 28-Jun-15 08:30:49

We have been together for 3.5 years, married for 1.5.

Not sure about other things he is judgmental about my family and friends but in most other situations he is nice. There is not much I can do now as married with baby on the way so I have to make it work.

We are generally happy.

I suppose we never spoke about money as it was working what we were doing and I never thought he was going to be like this. He is usually generous with his money but when I mention maternity leave he won't say what he will do to support me. We have a joint bank account but we don't really use it, we just got it to pay in wedding cheques etc. I don't even know what is a normal financial situation when married.

What shall I do/say? sad

NRomanoff Sun 28-Jun-15 08:31:38

Wow. We have separate money, to a point. We agreed an amount each that went in the joint account for bills and savings. Anything left (which is roughly an equal amount) we each do what we want with that money.

But I don't see how it can work in the OP situation. You are going on May leave, why is that only your problem? Why wasn't the house situation sorted when you got married? Does he have paperwork saying what his parents put in is theirs? What will happen if you split.

I do think if you are moving you should be contributing too, but can't phathom how this situation works at all. You live in a house with your husband and don't contribute to paying for, but pay for bills. It's sounds to me like he is making sure on paper you have no claim on the house , although now you are married I don't know how that works.

SylvaniansAtEase Sun 28-Jun-15 08:36:08

Well the first thing I'd be doing on Monday is calling a solicitor and finding out how to register an interest in the current house. You know, the one you're living in, which is a marital asset and which you'd be entitled to half of if you split, regardless of how much money you put into it? Yes. That house.

Then I'd be informing him that actually, if we're arguing so much, I don't think I want to move. No actually, it is my decision too - I think you'll find now I've registered my interest in this house, you, err, won't be able to sell it and use the funds to buy another one without my agreement...

And then I'd be telling him to trot off and look up the legal definition of marriage, and reminding him that no houses are being bought AT ALL without my name on the deeds. Married. Equal. Family.

He wants £10k, because so far you haven't contributed? Ok. Where's his record of exactly how much so far you have contributed? He doesn't have that either? No. Because it's supposed to be a partnership. Pulling together, a team, caring in kind. Which is why you weren't intending to be billing him, in full, for half the cost of a full-time nanny, live-in, plus cook, housekeeper, laundress and overnight double time nanny care for every single day of your maternity leave. It would cost him a lot more than 10k - hmm, perhaps you should? What with all this simply being about business transactions after all, yes?

And asking your dad for money. Crass, inappropriate and wrong. Ok, if he wanted to offer, fine. Ok, if your H had been thoughtful enough to reveal himself as a money-obsessed, tightfisted miserable little bean-counter before you married, he could have asked you then, and you'd have had the sense to tell him, presumably, that actually you didn't want to marry someone with that attitude to money and thanks but no thanks, you'll have a family with someone else. However, he didn't. You married him, and what does he now have... a loving wife, a baby on the way, and (if he can wake up and start seeing what's important in life) a happy family. Beyond price, really. Unless you are stupid enough to start putting a price on it, when you usually find that that's the point at which you start to lose it.

It sounds like you've married an arse. Don't give him £10k. You and your baby might need it. Tell him you'll be going on the deeds of the new house or you'll be keeping your savings in case you might need them to move very far away from him and his miserable outlook on life. And don't ask your Dad for a penny.

DustBunnyFarmer Sun 28-Jun-15 08:39:25

<Applauds Sylvians>

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