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how to be nice

(7 Posts)
operaha Sat 27-Jun-15 00:23:38

how do you be nice to someone that's hurt someone you love?
I don't want to drip drip drip but I can't out myself.
when you utterly are repulsed by someone but you have to support the one they've done it to....
how do you keep your mouth shut and be there?
I'm finding it so hard, but really need that kind of advice because I need (have) to be with injured party soon and she is sticking with him and he'll be there. so it's my job to be her friend...
that's it really sad

PoundingTheStreets Sat 27-Jun-15 01:07:41

Sometimes you can't. sad

If you love someone you might feel you don't want to add to their difficulties. You might worry that by making it clear you dislike/disapprove of someone then that someone will put pressure on your loved one to distance themselves from you, meaning you can't be there to support them when they really need you.

Sometimes, you have to pin on a false smile and just be polite but minimise direct contact with that person. At the same time, when that person is out of range, you keep telling your loved one what it is that you don't like about their partner's behaviour and how they should be treated. And be clear there will be no "I told you so" only support if they leave.

However, be mindful that compassion fatigue often occurs in these situations. Sometimes you have to put yourself first because it is too painful to keep watching the car crash. Then you drift apart.

Other times, putting on the polite smile and pretending all is normal is precisely what allows these awful behaviours to continue.

There's no right answer, only a personal choice.

Good luck in making it. flowers

NRomanoff Sat 27-Jun-15 07:05:41

As pp said, sometimes you can.....sometimes you have to walk away.

If you can't be civil and you make it worse, she will probably start moving away from you and end up more isolated.

That said, you also have to think of yourself and sometimes you can't help everybody.

DaisyChain87 Sat 27-Jun-15 07:23:16

I'm in a similar position with my best friend and her husband. Sometimes I wonder if seeing them socially is in some way validating his behaviour, but I don't want to isolate her and I love her so I tolerate him...

CainInThePunting Sat 27-Jun-15 07:29:49

Try to detach and behave as if they are a business client? Be professional, polite and beyond reproach but keep them at arms length.
Easier said than done but if you have to have contact with them and keep the peace for the sake of your loved one it might be the best way.

CycleChic Sat 27-Jun-15 07:33:41

Yy to the previous posters! Civil when you can't avoid the bastard is your best choice.

operaha Sat 27-Jun-15 09:12:34

thanks. It's my sister sad
so really want to get this right when internally I'm screaming.
I can't say more for outing reasons, but any advice is really appreciated x

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