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To take this as a friendship dealbreaker?

(59 Posts)
Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 19:29:27

Long backstory, so sorry for the long post upfront.

I have a very, very old and dear friend. To give you a bit of context so as not to dripfeed: always the most fun, supportive and loyal one could wish to meet. At times though, she has been at best thoughtless ("forgetting" conversations, appointments etc), at worst untrustworthy (getting drunk and spilling my deepest secrets - that one took me a long time to get over). She can be childish in her reactions - eg when confronted, will burst into tears and 'run away' rather than having a difficult conversation. All these things are known to me, as my faults are to her, as we have been friends such a long time - and I'm by no means faultless myself; I can be flaky, forgetful, etc. For what it's worth she is single and childless and I am married with DD2 and another on the way.

So, to the potential dealbreaker. A few months ago I extended a (fairly exclusive) work invitation to an event tonight to her as my +1 as she's the person I'd most like to go with - the event is right up her street, was a good fit for both of us professionally, and she's such good fun I knew we'd have a great night together. I was really looking forward to this event - as you imagine I don't get out much, whereas I guess she is out all the time so maybe it didn't seem such a big deal to her. Anyway the arrangements were all made, and she was full of fun on a group chat we're part of this morning. She was supposed to arrive at my house to "get ready" at 2pm this afternoon, as confirmed by text yesterday. By 3pm I thought she was a bit rude to not let me know she was running late, but not overly concerned. 3.30pm when she still hadn't showed I rang her phone a few times - it was off/out of signal each time I tried. By 4pm I was really worried - road traffic accident? Nope. I got a text saying I'd woken her by ringing and she felt ill and wasn't going to make it. I rang back. Went to voicemail - I left a concerned message. No response. 6.30pm I dropped a text - hope you're feeling a bit better after a sleep? No response.

The undercurrent that's in the back of my mind is A) this morning on the group chat she referred to a really tempting lunch event tomorrow with a different friend and some Z list celebs that she wouldn't be able to go to because of coming to mine B) I flaked out on her last house party because my child was sick (literally dnv with fever) and C) If she felt so ill today why was she so chipper this morning and didn't think to text me at any point before 4pm letting me know she was off colour?

Reading this (inordinately long, sorry) post back I think I'm probably BU to say this is a dealbreaker but seriously, I have a right to be pissed off don't I? More than anything I'm sad to be missing a fun night out with my friend. And sad to think it's not because she's actually ill - it's because she's either blowing me out for a better offer, or trying some weird retribution tactics because I missed her last party.

I can't even have a glass of wine and say fuck it, cos I'm fucking pregnant (15 weeks so too early for even a sodding half glass)

Someone! Help before I fall into a well of Friday-night No-Date self pity!!!!

LUKYMUM Fri 26-Jun-15 19:37:23

Try to go out and have a good time anyway. It's just happened so you're bound to be upset, but don't let it be a deal breaker. It's not worth it.

Pumpkinpositive Fri 26-Jun-15 19:42:01

Not a deal breaker, but you know better to invite her to anything like this again.

Adjust expectations accordingly. thanks

nikinaki Fri 26-Jun-15 19:53:04

I'd be pissed off too, friends just don't do that.
Try and enjoy yourself. You are worth more than that smile

tidalwaveover Fri 26-Jun-15 19:58:06

YANBU.

What happened when you cancelled on her though? Was it not possible for DC father to look after her?

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 20:07:43

Thanks all, I know I'm not perfect but I do feel disappointed by this, I just can't help it, even though I'm sorry she is saying she's ill...

When I cancelled on her: it's happened twice in the past year; once when I was travelling alone with DD (my house is about 1.5h from hers) and we were getting the train, we got stuck at the interchange station by cancellations/massive delays. Second time was DD's high fever with dnv, I couldn't have left DD with her Dad just so I could go to a party, she needs me in that situ.

AuntyMag10 Fri 26-Jun-15 20:30:34

The thing is you said you have been flaky too so it just seems to be the type of relationship you have with each other?

sadwidow28 Fri 26-Jun-15 20:36:48

Well, she hasn't behaved appropriately at all.

She would have had to have set off at 12.30pm at the latest to be with you for 2pm. If she felt unwell prior to that, she should have sent a text to say "Not feeling well. Going to lie down for an hour to see if I improve".

I think you have been deliberately blown out on this occasion, but I don't think it is 'pay-back' for you not attending her party. The z-celeb invitation was clearly a bigger draw for her.

Now just think ..... she won't be able to post photos on fb of said z-celebs because you will know she attended <evil cackle>

Woooooohoooooo Fri 26-Jun-15 20:37:38

She should have text at 12 to say she wasn't coming.

I don't know why you pestered her after 4 if she said she felt unwell.

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 20:44:31

Woo do you think I pestered? Hmm. Perhaps I was trying to make a tiny point.

AuntyMag yes perhaps I have to come to the sad realisation that's the kind of relationship we have but to me, my reasons were real, this seems a bit made-up.

And sawidow the thing about not being able to post her Z list pics on FB made me howl - do you know this girl or what!?

bellathebluebell Fri 26-Jun-15 20:57:06

Well, I would ring her on her landline tomorrow at lunchtime to see if she's at home. If she's not, you have your answer.

I would get rid I'm afraid. Life is hard enough without flakey friends.

nikinaki Fri 26-Jun-15 21:02:03

I agree that I don't think it's payback but more about tomorrow's lunch!
Not the point of the thread... but why does your DD need you over your dp when she's sick? Isn't he capable?

mamaneedsamojito Fri 26-Jun-15 21:09:49

Nikinaki - my DH is more than capable but if DS was sick and wanted his Mummy I'd stay home with him too. There is nothing like being fussed over by your Mum when you are poorly. And I say that as someone who has always had a very close relationship with my Dad, he just wasn't as good a 'nurse' as my Mum. Like you said, not the point of the thread. hmm

MayPolist Fri 26-Jun-15 21:12:31

why couldn't she go to the lunch tomorrow iff she went out with you tonight confused

nikinaki Fri 26-Jun-15 21:14:37

Sorry DS not DD. That's fair enough :D mums are the best at being nurse. It still doesn't change my view mind, because you had valid reasons to cancel with her PLUS I'm sure you actually let her know! Your friend is being majority unreasonable. Has she responded yet ?

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 21:16:31

Not the point I agree but an interesting point nonetheless, nikinaki. Just as above really - I think babies need their mum (or primary carer) when they're ill, it's just a comfort/reassurance thing. DH is brilliant and he and DD are so close, but he's not who she calls out for when she wakes up in the night IYSWIM.

AuntyMag10 Fri 26-Jun-15 21:16:53

See she doesn't have kids so may not understand your genuine reasons for canceling. The time when dd was sick maybe she didn't understand why you and not your dh needs to be there? It might be that you're at different stages of your life and friendship now.

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 21:20:18

And nope, nothing, not a text even. Even if she's sick as a pig it's unlikely she's been asleep since 4pm!

CrapBag Fri 26-Jun-15 21:22:15

I'd be mega passed off with this. Only you can say if it's a big enough deal for it to be a deal breaker.

I've ditched friends for seemly small things, but it's always been a bigger build up and something will tip the scales and I'll be done with them. I can't be assed with shit flakey friends who will ditch me and make crap excuses.

petalunicorn Fri 26-Jun-15 21:26:01

Are you at the event or did you not go?

DoreenLethal Fri 26-Jun-15 21:29:45

I don't understand either - why couldn't she do both?

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 21:34:45

I didn't go. Well fucked off to be mssing it - also quite unprofessional of me to have had to turn down the invites so last minute. It was a black tie, sit down dinner, networky bash thing where you'd want to have a +1 with you - it was also at an hour's drive away (at least). By 4pm it was too late to get anyone else to go with me - Friday night, everyone's busy - and I couldn't get a babysitter at that notice otherwise DH could have come with me at a pinch.

AuntyMag10 Fri 26-Jun-15 21:36:28

I would be massively pissed off. Very very rude of her to have done this. She could have let you know at any point but only until you checked with her that's when she let you know.

Stoneysilence Fri 26-Jun-15 21:38:05

If she'd have come with me to the event tonight she'd have stayed over at mine, and we'd then arranged for two other friends to come over for a barbecue on Saturday afternoon, so I guess she'd have been 'stuck here' for the weekend meaning a lunch (in a different city) wouldn't have been do-able. If that's the real motivation and she's not actually really ill.

OrangeVase Fri 26-Jun-15 21:38:17

Why couldn.t you have gone on your own? It would have been fun. you might have risen to the occasion.

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