AIBU about not getting married?(121 Posts)
Bit of background, DP and I were planning on getting married at some point in the future but never got around to officially getting engaged. He did buy me a ring which I never wore because it was too big, already resized by the seller so couldn't be made any smaller and, honestly, I don't wear jewellery and didn't really like it. After having DD1 spending money on a wedding seemed less and less important and now we have a second daughter there's no way we could afford a wedding. We now own our first house, I say 'we' but it is completely in his name as I'm self-employed and he's paying the mortgage. My mum has always said that we should get married for my financial protection in case he dies or we break up, his father also wants us to get married. MIL's family want us to get married purely to have a party which doesn't seem like the point of getting married.
Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least. AIBU for just trusting DP to support DDs if we do split up and make a will in case he dies?
If you aren't going to get married you need legal advice on how to protect yourself and your children in the event of separation and death.
Being left with nothing and no legal protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic, more so I'd say.
Weddings don't have to be expensive and can be as basic as a registry office ceremony if there's no budget. Even cheaper than the legal advice to cohabit.
Yes, YABVU and naive for just trusting DP to support DDs if you do split up.
And YABVU and naive for just trusting DP to support DDs if you do split up.
So important it posted twice [embarrassed]
It's not just whether you trust him if you split up, although that is the most common scenario, but being unmarried makes his parents next of kin, and with the decision making power over everything if he's in an accident or unwell.
You can be on the deeds of the house without contributing a penny, so why aren't you? You should be named as having an interest because a mortgage company would be very upset if in the future they wanted to repossess and discovered you living there with two kids.
Yes, you are incredibly vulnerable right now. Get a quick and quiet wedding at the registry office for a few hundred, or spend a fortune on legal fees to get the same protection, but somehow get yourself, and your children, so that you cannot be made homeless.
Getting legally married for financial protection seems absolutely awful and unromantic to say the least.
like many people you are confusing your relationship (feel free to be as romantic as you like whether married or not) with the legal contract of marriage (imposes certain rights and responsibilities on both parties for the cost of a marriage licence - deeply romantic relationship not actually a requirement).
You don't own a house. you have no right to any part of the house you are living in now if you split and you have no right to inherit any of it unless your partner makes a will specifying so (a will he could change at any time).
You obviously feel you are in a committed, romantic relationship which is working for you. That is great. You can tick that box.
I suggest you now look at the box that asks whether you have sufficient legal and financial protections for you and your children in the event of a split or death of your partner. and make your decision about marriage based on that.
The best relationships in the world go tits up and people's promises of doing the right thing in the case of such an event can go out the window.
I'd get married. You don't need to have a party, you can just nip to the registry office one afternoon. It doesn't mean your relationship has to change but it does mean you'll be more secure.
It sounds like you are in a vulnerable situation and are only not getting married because you cannot afford to? Getting married does not equate to having a wedding. It doesn't have to be expensive. Looking back, as a guest I have definitely enjoyed the smaller, thoughtful celebrations more than the big no expense spared spectacle weddings. It could be as inexpensive as you choose it to be.
What about if we just took out a cohabiting agreement?
Nothing gives you the same protection as marriage and I'm not even sure how he got a mortgage without you being named as an interested party. Are you sure about that? You may not be on the deeds but the mortgage lender will have specifically asked about other people living there who have a claim. He either shamelessly lied and forgot your existence, or you are written down somewhere.
There is nothing that gives you the same rights and protection as marriage, and even a boatload of legal documents won't give you as many rights as being a spouse. Until the law changes, the best protection to keep your children safe is to get married.
Kickassangel I don't understand what you mean about it being hard to get a mortgage without being an interested party? Both DH and I have got solo mortgages on houses we've both lived in married and never been asked about such a thing. All we've had to do is sign a document stating we will leave if the mortgagee is evicted by the lender.
My mortgage was less than a year ago with a high st bank
If you don't get married, you should:
- be put on the house deeds (it's separate to putting you on the mortgage)
- You can get a legally binding agreement on what happens to the house if you split. I had one with an ex, BUT it was in the circumstances of who put in what cash to the house deposit, plus who paid what % of the mortgage.
- get wills that will detail who gets what in the event of your death and who is made guardian of your kids, plus make a living will or similar which details who gets the final say in healthcare decisions etc (i.e. in the event of a coma)
I personally wouldn't trust someone to do the right thing in the case of a split; I've seen too many people be shafted as reason goes out of the window.
Rave - if you signed something, then somewhere along the application route your existence was recognized. It is possible to get a solo mortgage, but somewhere in the fine print you have to declare if there is anyone else with a possible claim to the property - and this includes a partner or children who currently live there. From the OP I'm not sure if she just isn't part of the mortgage agreement, but having signed that she lives there, or if somehow her DP has taken out a mortgage and completely failed to mention that she exists to the mortgage company. If the first case, then she may have signed away any right to remain if something happens, but at least the mortgage company knows she exists. In the second case, her DP has lied to the mortgage co.
I didn't mean to imply that someone can't get a mortgage alone, but that her DP must have mentioned her somewhere along the path to getting the house, or he should have. I read the OP to be that they had their first DD and then bought a house - so the mortgage company would want to know about this as it would affect how easily they could repossess the house should the need arise.
Yabvu and incredibly naive to think a split would be nice and amicable enough to just 'provide'. Get over to the relationship boards and see otherwise. If your DP died you wouldn't be entitled to his pension. Why on earth is the house not in your name too? You won't be entitled to that either. My DF died when I was a child and my DM struggled and they were married. Get the idea of marriage just being a romantic notion out your head and start doing some research to what it means legally. You don't have to have a ceremony, just go to the registry office. Think about your children here and how it may effect them were to happen.
My friends DP died suddenly. She had no say over the funeral. His parents opted for full church funeral even though DP was atheist and have bad experiences with church. This broke my friend's heart at a time when she was already vulnerable. Plus no IHT allowance so she's had to pay IHT on her own house. That's with having the property left to her. The IHT allowance is £325,000 and can be rolled forward so second spouse gets double that so it's worth having. You really should get married. It really can just be a quick pop to register office.
That's the allowance between married couples.
He could chuck you out on the streets tomorrow without a second thought.
It is totally irresponsible parenting for your dcs to be living in such insecure circumstances.
Yes, if the relationship ends you could end up with nothing
It may be unromantic but so will being in a terrible mess if unforeseen things go wrong! If you don't get married then see a solicitor and get it all legally drawn up. You don't have to have a wedding- just go to the registry office with a couple of witnesses - lots cheaper than a solicitor.
If you don't do anything then make sure that you are best friends with his parents and they love you to bits!
If you think that making a will covers it all then you really do need to visit a solicitor who can tell you all the other things that you haven't thought of.
Some one once posted on here that making sure your partner was fully protected is romantic.
I have to agree. I can never understand women who choose to be in this position. You are ties to this person forever, because of dc, anyway. You should fully protect yourself by getting married.
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