To think our household works too hard?

[CatthiefKeith]

Dh works an average of 10 hours per day (8am -6pm) 5 days per week, and a further 5-8 hours in the evening Thurs-Sunday, dj'ing. So around 80 hours per week.

I work 9.30-5.30 Wednesday -Saturday, so 32 hours. We have a 4yo dd and most of the household and childcare stuff falls to me because he is always at work.

We are comfortable, because we never go out to spend any money, but dh is self employed and terrified to turn work down.

I'm so sick of spending a few hours slumped, exhausted, in front of the tv together before the whole thing starts again.

He was literally in for half an hour to shower and change tonight.

Aibu to think there is more to life than bloody work and something needs to give?

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

DJ'ing is more hobby than work though, which presumably he does because he wants to and enjoys it.
Your problem isn't working too hard, its priorities. Your partner chooses to DJ instead of sharing the parenting and housework more fairly.

But you're slumped exhausted and just watch TV? Have you had your health checked because you only have one child and can't have that much housework if you're all always out of the house.

[CatthiefKeith]

To be fair it's more him slumped and exhausted than me.

The dj'ing is a bit more than a hobby! He does enjoy it, but it is still very much hard work (carrying the gear in and out of venues for weddings etc) and he does it for the money, not the love.

We were on our arses broke a couple of years ago, and he has been determined ever since that we will never go back to that, which is lovely, but he never has a day off, I never get any time for myself and it is bloody hard.

There is still a dog to walk each morning and night, washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning etc.

I guess I just want a bit of a life outside of work or being indoors with dd, who is usually asleep by 7.30.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

I sympathise, CatThief. I work part time but long days and highly specialised career. DH is a SAHD. Money is okay but not much spare. We 'only' have one daughter but we're often tired just from the day-to-day grind and sometimes feel as if we do nothing more than co-exist.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

And Winter, I'm afraid I take umbridge at the 'you only have one daughter, how can you be exhausted?' Yes, having more children is more work but no one has any idea how busy/tiring another's life is. I don't think the OP was asking is it normal to feel this tired rather how to change things.

[CatthiefKeith]

Thank you Sage. I realise there are people out there far worse off, but I am so sick of it. We aren't even loaded, just 'ok' really.

It is all so bloody relentless, and he has it far harder than me.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

You can take umbrage all you want but I was trying to be helpful. One 4 year old and a normal amount of housework isn't generally enough to completely exhaust an averagely healthy woman, so if OP is suffering abnormal levels of tiredness a medical check might be helpful.
However I think what OP really needs is a proper discussion with her partner about work-life balance and reassessing his choices in light of her and the families needs.

[CatthiefKeith]

Winter we aren't all always out of the house - just dh.

Dh is here all day Saturday with dd, he gets in at 4am and gets up at 8am with dd so I can go to work. I get in at 6, he goes out at 7.

Dd and I are here the rest of the time (Sunday Monday and Tuesday) and every evening. It is are only the hours that I am at work that nobody is in.

[PuntasticUsername]

I get you re the DJing - I have a friend whose husband does it. Like any similar job, if you're looking to make anything like proper money from it you have to put the hours in and make a name for yourself. You can't just turn up and spin discs for a couple of hours when you fancy it.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

I will get to my point and stop clogging up the thread...

Having been broke and now self-employed too, I can relate to the propensity to turn no work down BUT you do need time to yourself and you do need to live a little.

Can you arrange some nights in for friends?
Could you get a babysitter so at least you can go out?
Is DD in childcare? My ace card a few years ago when DH and I both worked was to book a day's annual leave every so often but still take DD to her childminder just so I got some time out.
Also, wrt freelance, I've had to train myself to say no and I've spread days out this way. I worked out the minimum number of days I'd need to be booked per month and do sometimes do more than that but sometimes less. I tell clients that I have no availability until x date and it has actually drummed up more business as people realise that they need to book well in advance to secure dates. Means the work is regular and ongoing. Obviously, I don't know what DH does and whether this sort of marketing strategy would work.

Oh, and the Mumsnet classic piece of advice: take a spa day!

[CatthiefKeith]

Exactly Puntastic. He has a couple of residencies (Thursday and Sunday) which are high profile but not brilliantly paid, and the Fridays and Saturdays are usually private bookings. One residency for alternate Fridays. His next weekend night off is July 27th. 1st one since March.

[Howmanywotwots]

I think you should get rid of the dog

[CatthiefKeith]

Dd goes to a childminder two days per week, and to mil the other. Mil is half an hour away, and our closest childcare. I don't like to push my luck asking her, and dd would have to go there as mil won't drive on the motorway or in the dark.

Annual leave and send dd to childminder sounds good. Spa day almost impossible with dh's working schedule unfortunately.

[CatthiefKeith]

Not happening wotwot.

[catzpyjamas]

I know what you mean. Here DH leaves at 7.30am and is rarely home before 7pm. I work school hours four days and 5 hours on the weekend. I spend my weekday off cleaning, shopping etc. By the time our one DD is in bed, we are both exhausted. He sits on a laptop alternating between music and work and I'm on mumsnet... I often think that there must be more to life than this but I'm too tired to find out.

[CatthiefKeith]

That's us exactly catz. When he is here he is researching music and downloading it and I am on here.

It's bloody depressing.

[catzpyjamas]

We have a night out on Saturday, the first time we have been invited out together with no DC this year. DH doesn't want to go. I know he's tired but I wonder whether forcing ourselves to get dressed up and do SOMETHING might make us a bit less dull. I'm bloody going

[CatthiefKeith]

Make sure you do, and have a lovely time. I am . I will be here, on mumsnet, as per fucking usual!

[Finola1step]

I get the "never turning work down" bit Cat. Its been blimming hard for many self employed people. DH is a freelancer and his industry took a huge knock in the recession. Much is recovered now, but times were not easy. It has just added more to the never turning down work for DH. Every little job could lead to a big one etc.

But it does sound like something has to give.

[SageYourResoluteOracle]

Cat- I was jesting when I suggested a spa day: it's a running joke on MN that that and hiring a cleaner is the cure for everything!

[ihatethecold]

Flipping heck. Why would she get rid of the dog?
I bet the dog keeps you company when your dh is out and your Dd is asleep.

[CatthiefKeith]

I know. But I'd bloody love a spa day!

Dh had no work at all over Christmas, without dj'ing we'd have been sunk, (he is a subcontractor for BT) so I get that he is making hay while the sun shines.

Ideally I would like him to give up Sundays, but as he rightly points out, if the day job dries up again, we need the dj money for mortgage payments and bills.

[WhimsicalTwattery]

We are the same in this house.

I work 37 hours, term time only. But then run my own business which takes about 20 hours a week.

DH works 42 hours over 4 days, one day is a weekend day each week. He also does a second job which is about 18 hours a week.

We have been skint before and there's no way I would ever turn work down.

It's hard because we have a 9year old DD and I do lots of the housework and have our DD on the weekend when DH is working.

We're financially ok and when we can afford to go abroad every year it makes it all worth it!

[CatthiefKeith]

The dog is going nowhere. She is part of the family and excellent company while dh is at work.

I can't quite believe getting rid of her was suggested. And before anyone asks, she isn't shut up indoors all day while I am at work, she comes in with me and sleeps under my desk.

[catzpyjamas]

FFS, DH has just exclaimed "Oh Yes!" because 'How it's Made' is coming on. We so need to get a life.

[whois]

So you have a couple of options. You click worn less, in the same jobs, and have less money. Or you could increase your earning potential to earn more with less hours.