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To be pissed off with the headteacher about these comments

(29 Posts)
EdSheeransGString Thu 25-Jun-15 10:33:06

I have recently moved house and it's a good 30-40 minute walk to the school now instead of the 10 minutes it used to take before.

I don't have a car at the moment, exdp made sure it was one of the first things he took when he left a few months ago and as a single parent saving for a car is almost impossible especially with moving house etc but it's next on my list to make the school run a bit easier for me.

Sorry I'm rambling on.

My mum has very kindly been picking dd1 up in the mornings for me and taking her to school in the car so it saves me the walk/hassle when I've been stressed moving etc.

The HT does an activity that my brother also takes part in. She was also my teacher through primary school if that is relevant.

She has been speaking to my brother, out of school time, asking him if everything was alright at home and if I was coping (!) because she's noticed my mum dropping dd1 off instead of me.

There are hundreds of other kids who get dropped off by grandparents, nanny's, CMs, nursery staff etc and I didn't even think it would be any cause for concern that it was my mum taking her up and not me.

Absolutely nothing has been said to me, I have never been asked what's going on and I'm really pissed off that she spoke to my brother about it instead of asking me directly what's going on.

I pick dd up nearly every day so she sees me all the time.

Aibu to be pissed off about her speaking to my brother (we don't speak, she doesn't know this I don't think) about something that shouldn't even be thought twice about never mind being concerned about?.

I suppose I am annoyed that it was my brother she spoke to because we are not on speaking terms even though she may not know this.

Lottiedoubtie Thu 25-Jun-15 10:35:51

Sounds like she knows your family and was asking a nice question out of concern. It's unfortunate that she doesn't know your family well enough to know that you and your brother don't speak, but it doesn't sound malicious. Showing concern isn't a bad thing- she's not judging you or doing anything that will negatively affect you or your DC.

AnyoneForTennis Thu 25-Jun-15 10:37:30

aww she sounds a bit concerned,maybe she has a soft spot for you as she's seen you grow up? think yabu I'm afraid

BarbarianMum Thu 25-Jun-15 10:38:49

<<I suppose I am annoyed that it was my brother she spoke to because we are not on speaking terms even though she may not know this.>>

I think you are right, and therefore being a bit U but I can see why. Head shouldn't be prying into your affairs but asking 'If everything is OK w X' is pretty common when drop off patterns change. I've been asked several times when taking in a neighbours child (when neighbour or another of their children has been ill) and I'm sure they've been asked likewise when things are reversed.

SaucyJack Thu 25-Jun-15 10:39:15

YANBU. I can actually understand that a significant change in your circumstances might be a slightly pink flag, but it was unprofessional of her to speak to your brother about it out of school hours.

sparklewater Thu 25-Jun-15 10:43:32

Yeah - as annoying as it might be, especially when you're going through a difficult time, I think it is just her asking out of concern as she knows it's out of the norm for you. Also by asking your brother in an informal setting its more casual/ just part of the conversation - if she asked you in school hours it would be more 'direct'.

I'd be annoyed too, but I also know full well that I'd be BU. So I have to say YABU! Try and be pleased that the HT is on the ball enough to notice that sort of thing smile

caravanista13 Thu 25-Jun-15 10:45:34

Very unprofessional. If she has concerns she should raise them with you.

DeeWe Thu 25-Jun-15 11:04:25

I can see her logic. If she came to speak to you at school or phoned you at home, she's making it an official issue, and may need to react differently.
By asking in an unofficial way then she may have more options on the table as to how she helps if that makes sense.

I've certainly been in a situation where if I'd asked in a formal capacity then I would have set lines along which I have to follow. Having asked as a friend it left me the ability to help in a way that was, I think, much more helpful to the actual situation.

diddl Thu 25-Jun-15 11:12:59

Assuming she was asking generally as she knows you and what has happened recently then I can't see the problem tbh.

If she thinks that your child is affected then it's obvs a school matter and she should be talking to you directly.

That said, surely she could ask you at school if everything is Ok in her capacity as a family friend/acquaintance?

LazyLouLou Thu 25-Jun-15 11:17:25


I can see why, but she sounds as though she remembers you and cares.

Asking your brother was a matter of him being there and her not knowing you two don't talk.

Thank her for her concern next time you see her. She was probably trying to be a good person and, in trying not to be too nosy or upsetting you, asked a close family member.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 25-Jun-15 11:27:55

Sorry but you are being a little unreasonable, I think her asking your brother was kindly meant. You seem pretty sure she wouldn't know you weren't talking.

I wonder if perhaps your anger is being misdirected? It sounds as if your ex was spiteful/selfish, the fact that you and your brother are not speaking is another relationship causing you problems - perhaps you feel a little under attack from life in general? You have a right to be angry right now, life has been turned upside down and has become harder; but the headteacher has not caused this and sounds as if she would want to be helpful. Please, direct your anger to those who deserve it. It may help make you feel less wretched about all this.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Thu 25-Jun-15 13:23:16

I think yanbu as the HT has surely broken confidentiality by discussing your DD with your brother.

My mum thinks yabu and should be grateful that the HT cares about you enough to ask.

paxtecum Thu 25-Jun-15 13:26:13

Have you told the HT that you have split up with your XDP and that you have moved?

LazyLouLou Thu 25-Jun-15 13:27:18

Decaff, you may have an odd idea about what confidentiality actually is.

OPs mum dropping her DD at school is visible to all and sundry, it is not a secret. Therefore no confidential information was shared!

stayathomegardener Thu 25-Jun-15 13:30:58

I am confused, if you and your brother are not on speaking terms how do you know the Head has asked him this?
I assume your brother has told your Mum in which case is it possible that your brother for some reason wants to know why your Mum is giving you extra support and has either made the whole thing up or manipulated it knowing you are unlikely to grill the head.

brusselsproutwarning Thu 25-Jun-15 13:36:50

If you're not on speaking terms with your brother, why do you even believe him? Maybe she didn't even ask? I say this as I am nc with my sister and this would be typical of her ,making up something to get me stressed.
However if it is true, I'd take it as just concern that is all. Perhaps she was afraid to upset you if she asked you directly? Obviously she doesn't know your not speaking to your brother.

SEsofty Thu 25-Jun-15 13:55:27

Yano. Sounds like she's a person who cares. She asked your brother in capacity as individual. Rather than raising it with you as an issue as headteacher.

But, if you are not on speaking terms with your brother how do you know this happened?

stinkingbishop Thu 25-Jun-15 14:05:00

She may have broken professional codes, but she's shown a strong moral one, and I know which one I think is more important. You were one of her little poppets and she's worried! It's KIND!

If I were you, I'd make an appointment, tell her, nicely, that you'd heard she'd been asking your (D)B if you were OK, so she knows you know and might feel a bit nervous about that...and then just calmly explain the situation, appreciate her caring, think you've got everything in control, but giving her the heads-up in case any balls are dropped, and would appreciate it if they could all keep an eye on DD.

Think that would be the grown up response.

Though I do completely understand the way it's so easy to attribute people's kind motives to something a bit more gossipy/judgemental.

bettysviolin Thu 25-Jun-15 14:05:47

She cares about you and is checking you are OK without putting you in the embarrassing position of being asked face to face. (If you weren't OK, that sort of question make make you crumble in public.) Think the best of her unless you have good evidence to think the worst.

Lindy2 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:08:30

I think it was meant with kindness. Take the gesture in the kind way it was intended rather than with any offence. The teacher meant no harm and probably wanted to make sure you were okay. That was a nice thing to do even if you are not keen on the way she did it.

OpalQuartz Thu 25-Jun-15 14:09:17

Assuming you heard the information third hand as you and your brother aren't speaking, it's possible what she said got chinese whispered. He might have said that your mum was doing drop offs to help out following the split and she might have said "Oh yes I noticed she hadn't been dropping off in the mornings, how is she doing? " or something.

Aridane Thu 25-Jun-15 14:17:00


coffeetasteslikeshit Thu 25-Jun-15 14:29:43

YABU. I agree with pp's that she was just being kind and concerned.

NewNameFor2015 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:34:11

I think she's concerned, assuming she knows about the divorce and house move and now suddenly your mum is taking her when it used to be you, she just wants to check in and maybe doesn't want to offend you or doesn't quite know how to approach it if you say you aren't coping. So thought she would get a heads up from your brother, not knowing there were family issues going on.
I don't think she was looking to gossip or upset you, I think she was trying to see if she could offer support to you and your family.

CakeLady1 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:59:36

Sounds like a case of misplaced good intentions

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