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To wonder whether my life is fabulous or shit?

(45 Posts)
notmyusualMNname123 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:02:59

I could start a million posts about how great my DH is, and how well we get on. What a great dad he is. How much our DD adores him. What a great provider he has been,and how we are best friends.

They would all be true.

I could start a million posts about how rubbish my DH is, how much he turns my stomach,how lazy he is, how much I detest him, how i want to punch his lights out, how much he bores me, etc.

They would also all be true.

My guilty secret is that we've had sex once in 2015. And that's more than we had in 2014. and 2013 wasn't a lot better.

We've been married 20 years. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Sometimes he makes me so bored and angry. sometimes he's an amazing dad. Sometimes he's a lazy dick. I've heard all his stories a million times - WHY IS HE TELLING ME AGAIN???? He's funny and informative - I LOVE HIS STORIES!

Sometimes he says things and I think "wow! You must really HATE me to say that". Sometimes I do the same. Sometimes we really appreciate each other.

We do get on well. And our relationship 'works'. And our DD is very happy.

Is this it? Have I got a happy marriage?

TBH, I always thought it would, but the lack of sex doesn't actually bother me that much - I'd rather have a sneaky wank.... It's as satisfying, I'm guaranteed to get myself off, and I don't have to bother with the malarky of his orgasm. I'm sad for the sexual intimacy we don't share, but can't actually be bothered enough to do something about it (and suspect that part of what lies at the heart of it is that he doesn't fancy me any more, and don't blame him for that... I don't much fancy him either)

So, am I "settling"? Do I actually have - after 20 years - a "happy" marriage?

Are most 20 year old relationships like mine?

DD would be devastated if we split.

We live in a lovely house, in a lovely area.

Our life is good, isn't it? Is it good enough?

Am I just a spoiled princess?

I really, really don't know.

lemonade30 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:08:23

are you happy?

do you think you're settling?

would you be devastated if you split?

I couldn't live like you do. But then I expect one hundred percent sexual adoration from a partner.

don't misunderstand me, in an economically independent woman so a man serves not material purpose for me and your predicament is undoubtedly different.

We all compromise. its inherent in being an adult and certainly a parent.

are you compromising too much?

I feel you're asking if the grass will be greener elsewhere? who knows?
it might just be a different shade m

Denimwithdenim00 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:10:37

Oh dear that sounds a bit sad.

We have 4 kids, 2 left and 2 teens and married for 30 years.

You may need to be more adventurous sexually if you want to have sex with him or feel sexual at all. You may not.

Your post smells to me like a woman in danger of an affair, before you leap look at what you have to loose and maybe spice that up.

How does your dh feel?

Balacqua Thu 25-Jun-15 00:13:14

Sounds just like my marriage and we've only been married 6 years! Granted , we do have a bit more sex. You sound like your doing alright to me smile

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:13:55

They can't all be true. He's your best friend but you detest him, you get on well but he bores you and turns your stomach and you want to punch him?
No. These are diametric opposites, they are not both true.

If you can't tell whether your life is awful or great, no-one here can tell you. You can tell yourself you have a lovely life and a happy marriage all you like, but you hate him and don't have sex with him and don't care. Not what anyone would call a fairytale.

Denimwithdenim00 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:17:06

Would you take a bullet for him? I
Would for my dh. .

BrokenByA3YearOld Thu 25-Jun-15 00:19:35

I've had some similar thoughts tonight. Not exactly the same, but similar.

After 20 years, our relationship is 'solid'. Wouldn't it be weird to expect perfection from people? Do we take and accept each other's flaws?

maybe it's a Pros Vs Cons balance. IDK

notmyusualMNname123 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:19:50

Thank you for these.

I feel like I don't know how I feel because we do get on so well; and we do 'get' each other.

It's not that I'm reliant on him for funds (I work), but we would need to stay together for the life we all enjoy in the house we all love. IN an area which is great for all of us.

In theory, I hate the lack of sex. But I've never (again, could only admit this to strangers) I've never enjoyed sex with him that much. My ex (who I'd never want to be with - he was an arse) was much better at it. My dh (who I do really, really love) does this jiggling thing, which I've always hated, and he has problem ejaculating, which require me to do specific things... It's just not that satisfying a process.
Don't mean to drip feed, but he's good with his hands, but the rest of him doesn't light my candle.

DEF not in danger of an affair - I'm middle aged and def frumpy - no one would look at me, and I wouldn't be interested anyway.

It's not that I'm looking for a replacement for my DH, I'm just wondering if what i've got is what others have and are happy with.

Sometimes we laugh a lot, and we do have shared hobbies and interests. But we never touch - cuddle, kiss, etc.

Sometimes I want to kick his head in. He can be so boring, so lazy, so utterly crap and predictable.
I probably am too.

lemonade30 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:24:25

oh OP I couldn't live like that.

Then again we're 26 and 31 so possibly give us time (although I hope not....)

I'm not the best person to advise you in all honesty. I fell for my partner's carnal proclivities and we went from there.

If you don't prioritise sex and you're otherwise happy in the main then I'd just crack on in all honesty.

We all compromise. (my OH is 5'7)
I got over it wink

notmyusualMNname123 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:26:10

Major cross post. There were only 2 when I started typing. Winter - it IS true - that's my dilemma. He tells a story I've heard a million times, I want to punch him. He says he's going to do something and doesn't do it, I want to punch him. He says something which belittles me, I want to punch him. He does something fucking lazy I want to punch him.

He listens to me, I love him. He gets me, I love him. He says something pithy and witty, I love him. He does something amazing with DD, I love him, he suggests an activity I'll adore, I love him. He gets enthusiastic about sweet things, I love him.

It really is that contradictory.

Thank you all. I'm glad it's not just me. I get that the lack of sex is mostly me!

notmyusualMNname123 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:26:43

Broken - EXACTLY!

avocadotoast Thu 25-Jun-15 00:29:05

I don't think you sound very happy, OP.

There are things that can balance each other out. Like, a lack of sex is fine if you're both happy with that. (DH and I have had very little sex in recent months, for instance, but I've been pregnant and am still recovering from birth, and other aspects of our marriage make up for it. We still cuddle, we're still affectionate, we still have fun together outside the bedroom.)

The things you say that bother you - there's only you can say how much they bother you. Settling is one thing, but being happy to live with it is another. Ask yourself, what would you advise someone in your same situation?

BrokenByA3YearOld Thu 25-Jun-15 00:35:44

I've been wondering how anyone can be in an intimate relationship for so long and not feel some negativity, and expect that they don't feel it towards you (me).

We laugh every day, without fail. Our life is fun. But it's not perfect.

BrokenByA3YearOld Thu 25-Jun-15 00:38:03

Sorry, my last post is garbled, I mean, both parties would feel some negativity, even in the most perfect of relationships, wouldn't they???

Or are there some people who never get irritated, or annoyed or...whatever.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake Thu 25-Jun-15 00:39:53

Op sometimes I love my DP so much it hurts, I cry at the thought of being without him and would definitely take a bullet for him.
Other times I could throttle him and wonder what the hell we're doing together.
I get you. I don't know what the answer is though.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Thu 25-Jun-15 00:58:01

Exactly what? "accepting each others flaws" is not the same thing as having no intimate relationship and frequently loathing each other.

Sounds more like you are rationalising and pretending things are better than they are. Ups and downs are normal, sometimes not getting along is normal....sex once in 3 years, not fancying each other and him turning your stomach is not normal. At least not in a successful relationship.

urbinosparrot Thu 25-Jun-15 01:14:05

I think your relationship sounds absolutely normal for a couple who have been together for twenty years, you know each other so well that there's a certain amount of predictability, which can sometimes feel boring. It would be unusual if you were still floating around on cloud nine and never found each other irritating at times.

What doesn't sound so normal is your sex life, or lack of. If it has never been great, and your DH apparently has slight problems in that department, it sounds as though you have both lost the inclination to make any effort anymore. How does he feel about it? Or haven't you discussed why you don't DTD more often? I think the longer you let the situation continue, the harder it will be to resolve. You are dissatisfied, it's more than likely that your husband is too. Talk to him, preferably when you are both feeling mellow after a good meal and a glass or two of wine.

MsJuniper Thu 25-Jun-15 01:19:40

Op I also understand how you can feel those opposing feelings. And I will say that in the last few years most of the times DH & I have had sex were because we were ttc. Funnily enough I can identify a lot with what you're saying, even the slight quirks to the sex that make it a bit less enticing and abandoned.

I think the clue lies in your comment about being a middle aged frumpy woman. I know for me I feel like having sex a lot less if I feel unattractive. There are fairly obvious cosmetic things you - and I - can do about this. Sometimes it doesn't seem possible or worth the effort. Sometimes I'm just too depressed.

It's also true that it's hard to get back in the habit, which leads to a question of whether to have sex when you don't really feel like it. Definitely not if it's just for your dh's sake, but maybe if it's for you too. Tough one. Let me know if you solve it.

Hannahouse Thu 25-Jun-15 08:25:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyBitches Thu 25-Jun-15 11:43:32

OP - sounds like my marriage! I wouldn't change it for the world.

fattymcfatfat Thu 25-Jun-15 11:55:37

this is exactly how I feel! this sums it up for me

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be
True love, true love

AgathaF Thu 25-Jun-15 12:06:22

What utterly depressing song lyrics fatty!

OP have you tried imagining your life in 5 or 10 or 20 years time? Your DD will fly the enst at some point, will you still want to be with him then?

AgathaF Thu 25-Jun-15 12:06:46

nest, even grin.

www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

You could take a look at this book. I think it sounds like a bit more than the usual been together for a long time issues. DH and I have been together for 18 years and there are times when he makes my heart leap and times when he makes it sink.

Do you actually feel you are both heading in the same direction? DH and I are from quite different backgrounds but we agree on a lot of major things and want similar things out of life.

cailindana Thu 25-Jun-15 12:27:59

It's a balance I think. If you married him then there were things about him you liked, he's bound not to be a total arsehole. Even violent abusers have good aspects to their personality - it's a large part of the reason why abused people stay in relationships, they're hanging on to the good bits. Everyone is annoying, absolutely everyone. But when the balance shifts from "You're lovely but a bit annoying" to "You're sooo annoying but I love you" then things aren't looking good IMO. You have to live with this person - they simply can't annoy you more than they make you smile, it's just no way to live.

It sounds very much to me like you need to reconnect. Do you think that's possible?

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