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Who is BU - Mum or Dad?

(19 Posts)
maskingtherealme Tue 23-Jun-15 22:30:37

Posted this in divorce and separation and here for 'traffic' so apologies for the duplicate!

Mum and dad divorced. Decree absolute 'came' in April (accoridng to my dad) but mum nor her solicitor have not received one - another story!

Dad put the house on the market behind my mum' back - she didn't agree to it; wanted to wait until they had agreed a financial settlement. House sale agreed. Mum has always said from the beginning that she will not sign any contract until a settlement is in place.

This is what she wanted:
Mortgage paid
Conveyancing paid
Estate agent fees paid
Loan paid
Crdit Card paid

The loan was in my dad's name but paid for windows, sofits, guttering, boiler and paid off his credit card. The credit card was in mum's name but had it for over 2 decades and has paid for a lot of things to do with my dad, house, caravan, children, grandchildren, presents and personal stuff too.

Dad said no to credit card being paid off saying it was 'purely personal expenditure' which I know not to be true. So it is going to court (other other matters that cannot be agreed). Mum said 'all debts or no debts'.

Buyers of house sale want an exchange of 26th June. Mum said no as no settlement agreed. Dad finally agreed to pay it off. He told me this on the phone on Friday 19th June AND his solicitor also told the estate agent this at the same time. The solicitor also told the estate agent NOT to hassle the buyer about asking for a 3rd July exchange to give my mum time to remove and relocate elsewhere (she will be made homeless - bunking with friends as council cannot bump up her priority and find her somewhere in such a short space of time). He had no right (in my opinion) as he is NOT acting for the buyers. Estate agent 'stuck twos up' and contacted the buyers who agreed to the 3rd July. So mum wanted it in writing - understandably. She arrived back home after a few days at my house (job hunting as looking to relocate nearer to me and my family) and the letter from my dad's solicitor has said no such thing - only summarised a conversation she had with my dad's solicitor the other day.

I telephoned my dad (I asked my mum if she wanted me to do this) and told him what had happened (or what had not happened). He again said yes, credit card paid off too but I said that mum wanted it in writing, solicitor had AGREED to send a written confirmation to the estate agent and subsequently, has not done so.

Mum angry and upset. Said she wants a letter by tomorrow (I said Thursday - day to write and get in post) or she is pulling out. Dad soesn't care as he as somewhere to live (he moved out a month ago and apparently his solicitor has 'advised' him to cancel the direct debit on the mortgage). I told him he would loose out financially (and more!) if he doesn't get the written confirmation that my mum asked for and his solicitor AGREED to sending. My dad said 'he doesn't care' that mum will be made homeless. he said the house has been sold for weeks and she had 'plenty time' to sort removals etc. I told him that he was silly to put the house on the market when he did and that though a sale agreed had been made, no arrangements could me made for removals etc until a date had been set and a date wasn't going to be set until a financial agreement was in place.

So who is being the arsehole?

Will the judge see my dad as an idiot for:
1. Putting the house on the market before a settlement had been agreed AND without my mum's consent
2. Moving out of the marital home
3. Cancelling the direct debit for the mortgage

Also my dad earns tonnes more than my mum (�732 a month) and been married for 40 yrs. Mum wants 'maintanance' but dad is refusing (He divorced my mum) and she wants half his pension as a lump sum (roughly �15,000) but dad said no as a lump sum but willing to half it if it went into a pension for her which she doesn not want as it will be 'worthless' as a pension.

So who is likely to benefit?

Such a fine mess!

jackstini Tue 23-Jun-15 22:36:29

How/why on earth have they got a divorce through before all this was sorted?!
Re house - who's name is it in - mum, dad or both?

MakeItRain Tue 23-Jun-15 22:37:38

I know this isn't the answer you want, but I think you need to step back from all this as much as you can. Divorce proceedings can be heated, irrational and frustrating. Your parents should be the ones fighting the details not you.

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Jun-15 22:40:16

Yes why? It should be agreed as part of the divorce. Are they actually divorced though?

MelanieCheeks Tue 23-Jun-15 22:43:43

Both are doing what they feel is in their own best interests, so neither is being unduly unreasonable.

Presumably the house has to be sold, so getting that out of the way is a good thing.

The fine detail on who pays for what is best left to the solicitors-don't get involved.

maskingtherealme Tue 23-Jun-15 22:44:09

Makeitrain I can totally, 100% see your point, in most cases you ARE RIGHT BUT I am involved because my dad named my 3 year old child in his 'reasons for divorce'. So unfortunately, I am. I have tried to stay out of this as much as I can but it involved me in other ways I cannot go into at this time.

Because no children are involved, a divorce can be granted (apparently) before a financial settlement is agreed. However, oddly my dad told me his decree absolute was 28th April (or therabouts) but my mum nor the solicitor acting for her, has received the 'decree absolute'. My mum's soliciotr has said he needs to apply for it 5 weeks and 1 day AFTER the decree nisi.

There are other financial disagreements and it is going to court in a couple of months for a judge to decide but my mum wanted the mortgage, fees for conveyancing and estate agents and two of their debts paid off before the judge decides how the rest of the monies is split.

The house is in both names. I have told my mum to seek advice regarding the mortgage payment IF my dad has cancelled the DD and ask to pay only the interest.

RachieS1986 Tue 23-Jun-15 22:46:04

divorce can be processed with all other matters sorted after. Does your mum have her own solicitor? Your dad's sounds like a prize plonker.

jackstini Tue 23-Jun-15 22:49:09

If house is in both names she can just refuse to sell!

Topseyt Tue 23-Jun-15 22:49:11

It is all far too complicated.

In the end it is their battle and they will have to be the ones fighting it. It won't be fair on you or anyone else who tries to mediate, as you will just get caught in the crossfire.

MakeItRain Tue 23-Jun-15 22:52:14

I didn't mean to come across as judgemental, it just sounds very difficult for you. Fwiw, I think your mum is right to back out if nothing is in writing.

fastdaytears Tue 23-Jun-15 23:14:48

Well your dad is definitely U for naming your child in the particulars but people do odd stuff I guess. But with the finances it's really not a good idea for you to be this involved. They're both your parents and they're both adults. You need to be more selfish and just let them sort it out themselves.

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Jun-15 23:21:26

What difference does it make? To you, I mean?

EllaBella1 Tue 23-Jun-15 23:29:45

Mortgage will presumably be joint and several or several ie both need to pay and if it doesn't get paid the bank will pursue both or which ever one has the most money. The bank will do this so if your mum can pay I would suggest she does unless she wants a court order against both. Your mum really won't gain much by delaying the house sales and I would suggest she lets it go through and then divides the assets. If this gets dragged out and no sale and mortgage isn't being paid the bank will repossess the house and thereafter sell it to get their £ I would suggest your mum gets a good divorce lawyer with a good common sense approach

maskingtherealme Wed 24-Jun-15 08:22:57

Makeitrain- I didn't in the slightest think you were being judgemental.

Barbarian mum - my mum is being made homelessness, so yes, it makes a BIG difference to me.

I don't want to see either parent financially out of pocket but at the moment my dad is refusing to see sense on a few things (things a barrister has said). But he couldn't care less, said him!

The mortgage will get paid - me and DH will see to that with some help from my mum. That isn't an issue but she is going to see if she can pay only the interest first (less than £100). Both agreed the house sale money will be split 50/50 but it is dad refusing all debts to be paid off before the money is split between them. My mum said all debts or no debts. She can't afford the judge to say no by leaving it up to him/her to decide whilst my dad (who earns four times more than my mum) has HIS DEBTS paid off.

diddl Wed 24-Jun-15 08:49:19

I can understand the mortgage, conveyancing & estate agent fees being paid before the money from the house is split, but why don't they just then pay their own debts from their own share?

diddl Wed 24-Jun-15 09:03:48

How is stopping the sale of the house to anyone's advantage though?

Can't the sale go through & the money be held by a third party until the judge decides what to do with it rather than lose the sale?

Fauxlivia Wed 24-Jun-15 10:42:13

If I was your mum I would threaten to pull out of the sale unless your dad did what was agreed. He sounds like a total arse - wants to walk away from a 40 year marriage and hang your mum out to dry. She needs to speak to her solicitor and do nothing without their say so

BarbarianMum Wed 24-Jun-15 12:13:46

Sorry, that wasn't what I meant. What I meant was, as your mum is being made homeless, does it matter whose fault it is at this point? Would what you decide to do vary depending on whose fault it is?

I'm also confused as to how your dad can sell without your mum's signature. Is he making her sign by refusing to pay the mortgage?

19lottie82 Wed 24-Jun-15 12:37:59

it doesn't get paid the bank will pursue both or which ever one has the most money

no, not strictly true. the bank will attempt to pursue both, and whoever they get hold of first, or should I say get to make a payment, then they are likely to pursue them and forget the other party.

"whoever has the most money" has absolutely nothing to do with it. as long as the debts being paid, that's all that matters.

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