To be getting really frustrated with DP?(32 Posts)
We've recently moved into a new flat and an unexpected change in circumstances means that we're struggling financially in the short term. To save money I've been super careful with the shopping budget, buying exactly what we need, being careful with waste and leftovers and planning meals for the week (with DP's input, of course)
I asked DP to do the shop with me before I went to work (with my ridiculously detailed shopping list) and he said he'd rather hang on until tomorrow, which was fine. Instead, he let me know while I was as work that he'd done it himself - lovely!!
When I got home I realised he's totally ignored the carefully planned out list in favour of wondering around the shop aimlessly throwing things into the trolley. We've ended up with no bread, milk or cereal. We have mince but nothing I could conceivably cook with it, we have chicken but nothing to make it a meal. Absolutely nothing for both of our packed lunches. This isn't the first time he's done this, but it's the first time since we've had a bit less money floating about at the end of the month.
Now I'm stuck either a) freezing half the stuff he bought and spending my last free tenner this week on turning the other half into decent meals. or b) eating horrible combinations of stuff for the rest of the week so he understands why his shopping method just won't work!!
He seems to think he's done me a massive favour by doing the shopping - but as far as I'm concerned I still have to do the shopping, except now on an extremely limited budget!!
Am I being controlling and patronising? Or am I justified in being so frustrated?
I think you need to ask him why he didn't stick to the list. Surely he knows the budget is limited, so he needs to take responsibility for everything he spends. Can you go shopping together a couple of times so that you can teach him how to do it? It's a pain in the ass to have to do this, but most adults should be capable of planning and shopping to a budget. It sounds like he still needs to learn.
Ask him to cook with the shopping he has bought. That ought to ensure it doesn't happen again!
Why should the OP have to teach him how to shop? He is a grown man FFS.
Go with Helen's suggestions make him cook, and tell him in no uncertain terms to grow up and start being more responsible.
I too would throw him in the kitchen and ask him what the hell he would make for tea with all of his groceries?
Leave him to it, use your tenner to feed yourself...
If I were you I'd grit my teeth and go with option b, so the pillock can see for himself exactly why just swanning around the store buying whatever appeals to him does not necessarily translate well into tasty balanced meals.
Either make him cook, so he is the one who struggles to produce reasonable food with the fruits of his twat-shop. Or cook him terrible food, and when he complains, calmly remind him that he did the shopping, not you, and you can only cook with what you've got.
Definitely don't go basics shopping with your last tenner
spend it on tasty treats for yourself and don't share I mean, he did you the wondrous 'favour' of getting the shopping, right? Well then, as a capable adult he must surely have bought everything you two need... and if he didn't, then he needs to go back and get what he missed, if he can afford to do so anyway.
I agree. If it's not the first time then leave it to him to sort out the wonderful mess that he's created. Time he grew up.
Thank you everyone!! When I brought it up he acted very hurt that his 'good deed' had backfired. I was starting to wonder if I was being a total cow!
We've been together since uni, so he essentially moved out of his mum's and moved in with me. Perhaps it's my fault for mothering him for the last 7 years - he doesn't drive so he's never been expected to do the whole shop alone before.
I'm definitely going to ask him to cook dinner tonight - when he realises there's absolutely sod all he can make I'll sort myself out and let him figure it out for himself. (you never know, maybe there was method in his madness and he'll surprised me...
or probably not )
Did he say why he didn't stick to the list? Knowing you had done a meal plan had a list but not sticking to it really strikes me as a big fuck you.
Seriously don't fix it for him! Tell him he bought it so he must have a plan of what to cook & what to do for packed lunches etc. Yes it's a week of eating badly, but it's the only way he's going to grasp why you make a shopping list & stick to it.
This is why I never let my husband do the shopping. He just doesn't know how to meal plan at all!
He buys expensive things and then looks all hurt when I try to take him to task on it!
Much easier to do it myself.
Tell him that as he's done the shopping, he can make meals out of it all. Dinners, breakfast and packed lunch. He'll soon realise why you need to stick to a list!
QuiteLikely5 That is a very old PA trick: allowing you to make a rod for your own back.
Get him to cook, dish up and eat what he has bought. that might give him the kick in the arse that he clearly needs.
Ooh, this promises to be interesting - OP, please please report back with what he comes up with for dinner!
Yep get him to cook. NOt just tonight, but tomorrow for lunch etc...
When he says he can't do dinner, lunch and proposes to by stuff, give him the £10 and tell that's all there is.
I am completely missing the point OP but how can you not have anything to make mince or chicken a meal?
This is why I normally like to do all of our shopping myself. I like to be in control of it.
On rared occasions I have given my DH a list. He will get what is on the list, but it will be the wrong size, wrong amount (he'd buy enough for one, when I usually have to feed five), an expensive branded product when a home brand of a fraction of the price will do. He will then get much, much more that was not on the list, such as masses of chocolate and anything else that takes his fancy, so the family budget goes belly up almost straight away.
In your position OP, I might well tell him to cook. If he is anything like my DH though, he will produce something that is inedible, that he knows to be inedible and then try to convince me throughout the meal that he is enjoying it
when I can clearly see that he isn't and it is wonderful. He will only admit sometime later that I may have a point and he clearly was not born to the tasks of planning and cooking the family meals.
And yes, it's his turn to make dinner tonight.
A friend of mine actually did this for a whole month. Her DH shopped terribly, didn't meal plan and bought ridiculous things and then ate them all quickly. And also whinged about the meals she cooked Fortunately they were in a more financially comfortable position so it was easier to do this, but she left him to do all the shopping for a month, and resigned herself to a few weeks of eating decent dinners at work and just toast at home.
I think the experiment lasted a fortnight before he broke and admitted he needed help!
Tbf, though, there's nothing wrong with him needing a little coaching on it. DP does the shopping and cooking in our house. Now I'd like to think I'm not a complete numpty who'd buy mince and no sauce, but I know if food fell completely to me it might take a few goes to get it spot on.
Do you not have any potatoes or frozen veg to go with chicken? Or onions and carrots and stock cubes for the mince? Most people have store cupboard items to make these into nice meals. I find buying every ingredient for every meal a very expensive way to shop, you should have cheap basics like pasta and potatoes and frozen veg in most of the time. Having said that I sympathise because my other half is shite at shopping too
as an addendum to what i wrote above, he should be doing the meals for as long as you had budgeted for from that list he never bothered to follow.
he'll be under severe pressure and it'll make him see what he has so far scoffed at.
What did you have for dinner in the end OP?
Really, you have no tinned veg, dried herbs, curry powder, rice, pasta, other store cupboard ingredients?
Oh, interesting!! What did you have for dinner, op? I agree with you, by the way - if you shop, you stick to the list and the budget if you have a budget.
Buying food isn't doing you a good deed. It's entirely necessary if you want to eat food. Unless he usually hunts and kills his dinner, he is totally being unreasonable.
I hate this male helplessness. This isn't a hard task, just a boring one that he doesn't want to think about.
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