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Think I'm a horrible person

(40 Posts)
mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 22:48:20

Hi guys, 1st thread, but really stuck... We are going on holiday soon and my inlaws are kindly looking after the house (they stay a few hours away so will actually be staying in house) which they have offered to and we are happy with this as they they did this last year. Now they are asking if some friends can come up and visit for the day, but I'm now being made to feel quite guilty about letting these friends simply stay overnight too....I don't want my home to be used as a guest house and hubby feels I am being quite unreasonable. But I feel if i say yes to this, then it opens the flood gates to let SIL and her hubby and unruly kids up to stay (they tried this last year when our house was in upheaval and I firmly said no!) My point is, we never hear from SIL unless she wants something, she makes no effort to stay with us when we are here and I simply don't want her living in my home when I'm not there. Am I really being unreasonable over this? There are a few more underlying issues which may be affecting my decision, but I would value complete strangers take on this please. TIA.

TheReluctantCountess Mon 22-Jun-15 22:50:53

Why does someone need to stay in the house when you go away?

mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 22:55:45

another bone of contention actually which stresses me out, but I feel a bit of a gun to my head with it from 'reasonable explanations' as to why it would be 'nice' for them to stay and have a break themselves and 'look after the house' etc.

AgentProvocateur Mon 22-Jun-15 22:59:06

Your "hubby" thinks you're being unreasonable. It's his house too. Why do you get the final say? Your inlaws are doing you a big favour. I don't think their friends would trash you house, so why not trust their judgment and let them stay over? I do think you are being unreasonable b

FarFromAnyRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:01:50

Why does someone need to look after your house? What happens to their house - who 'looks after' that. I am with your 'hubby' I think. YABU

mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:02:41

actually, that's the thing, i don't get the final say, and I'm not worried about people trashing my house, i don't ever think they would, the biggest issue is my SIL expecting to stay when she doesn't really worry about us otherwise.

DoreenLethal Mon 22-Jun-15 23:04:26

Why do people need to look after your house?

mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:06:16

nobody 'needs to', I'm just swept along with the idea that it's "helpful" for us :-)

PuntasticUsername Mon 22-Jun-15 23:06:33

From what you've said, noting that you mention other issues in play - YANBU. Random strangers staying in your home when you're not even there? And that acting as a step towards people you DO know but actively don't want to stay, staying in your home?

Fuck. That.

PuntasticUsername Mon 22-Jun-15 23:06:34

From what you've said, noting that you mention other issues in play - YANBU. Random strangers staying in your home when you're not even there? And that acting as a step towards people you DO know but actively don't want to stay, staying in your home?

Fuck. That.

CalleighDoodle Mon 22-Jun-15 23:06:54

Maybe op has pets?

KillmeNow Mon 22-Jun-15 23:08:00

I can sort of see it from the ILs point of view .If they are there already why not have friends to visit them overnight when there is room to spare. But these arent your friends are they?

I would find it horrendous .I would worry about them poking into messy drawers and cupboards ,judging the standard of cleanliness in the bathroom/kitchen etc so much that I would spend weeks fretfully trying to reach 5 star hotel standards for people I dont even know.

In fact just thinking about that side of things has got me all worked up on your behalf. Im not good at being assertive so cant offer any tips about how to deal with this .Someone will be along soon who has a way with words.

PuntasticUsername Mon 22-Jun-15 23:08:13

Sorry for the double post, clearly I felt very strongly...

FarFromAnyRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:08:38

Maybe. OP - do you have pets? I'd have thought she'd have mentioned that but maybe she forgot.

SnapesCapes Mon 22-Jun-15 23:10:33

The only reason MIL ever stays here when we're away is because of our imbecile dog. If the dog is in kennels or away with us (which is what usually happens, she does love a prance on a Cornish beach) nobody stays. MIL offers and I politely decline.

It's odd that they think it's ok to use your home to entertain their friends. And even weirder that they'd allow your SIL to stay there. It's your home, they're housesitting. I house sat when I was at Uni for friends and wouldn't have dreamed of inviting hordes of relatives over for a few days. YANBU at all. Dig in your heels if you're genuinely not happy with it; it is your home.

mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:12:44

I do have pets but a friend normally watches them, so on this I'm perfectly happy with pet sitting too, just the other stuff worrying me, as I'm not assertive at all, and I would stupidly let stuff build up until I snap! IL's are all very assertive so sometimes I feel a bit dominated, though they are not nasty with it.

PuntasticUsername Mon 22-Jun-15 23:16:57

melly, it doesn't sound as if your DH is much on your side here. You're his wife, and you should be his priority - especially when it comes to conversations like this, with HIS family. Instead, it sounds as if he's siding entirely with them and expecting you just to go along with things. Does he know how strongly you feel about this? If not, dude, you have to tell him!

Fatmomma99 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:18:40

I know people who've house-sat, and it has been like a mini holiday for them, so I do get that.
And there is something reassuring about having someone stay in your house when you are away for more than a day or two - it makes a break in less likely, which is a nice thought.

So I can see how this could be a win-win.

But the point here is, that for you it isn't.

Do you live in a high crime area? Are the lots of burglars? Do you have stuff you'd be devastated to lose? Would you be able to live in a house which had been invaded by strangers? Ah! I've come full circle!

But, actually, it doesn't sound like the friends of your in-laws are the issue - it sounds like your SIL is the issue.
So are you (and your DH) able to say "yes, fine. Knock yourselves out and have a great time, but SIL is not welcome to stay".
And if that conversation is too uncomfortable, consider having an empty house while you're on hols.

Enjoy your holiday.

And, btw, I think I'm much more horrible than you are.

ReginaBlitz Mon 22-Jun-15 23:21:31

Fuck that. Like someone said why does someone need to look after your house?!. I remember a few years back mil babysat while we stayed out for the night, came home next morning she hadn't let the cat out kitchen covered in cat shit, and after she'd fucked off home found her manky thong on my floor. Safely say I haven't had her stay since

mellyblue37 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:21:50

I have discussed with DH and he is the one who thinks I'm unreasonable and it has led to a huge argument...and I can assure you he would not be happy if it were my parents and siblings! So it has helped a bit venting to you guys! Thanks for all advice so far :-)

Theycallmemellowjello Mon 22-Jun-15 23:23:37

I think if they're doing you the favour of being there there's no reason they should be alone in the house. I don't see why having guests should make your ils think they can come when they want - if you're worried about that don't get them to look after your house when you're away. I have house sat before as a student and the deal generally is that you get to use the house as your own in return for maintaining it. There's some irony in saying the ils are only interested in getting something out if you, but you not wanting them over except when you're away and the house needs looking after.

Jackw Mon 22-Jun-15 23:24:06

No one needs to look after your house when you are away. So they aren't really doing you a favour. You are doing them a favour by letting them use your house while you are away. Why do they want to do this? Is it because you live in a place which will be like a holiday for them? Or are they just nosy and intrusive? Either way, you are doing them the favour, so you can dictate the terms. DH wants you to shut up and suck it up but it's your house too and he should be considering your need for privacy and autonomy over his family's desire to invade your space.

Socalled Mon 22-Jun-15 23:27:41

You're not horrible in the least, OP. You seem to have been catapulted into a weird situation where ILs are staying unnecessarily in your house under the guise of doing you a favour, and now they want to have their friends to stay too. I would hate that. If people are going to take a quasi-holiday in my house, I'd rather they didn't pretend they were 'helping', or invite other people in too.

What strikes me your posts is what role your DH is playing in all these negotiations - how is it conveyed to you that your ILS think they are helping out by staying, and that they now want their friends to stay too? Is this being said directly to you by the ILs, or is your DH the one 'putting the gun to your head'?

PuntasticUsername Mon 22-Jun-15 23:30:47

Hang on. Are you saying that if the family roles were reversed, your DH would not be happy for YOUR parents and siblings to stay in your marital home?

If so, I'm afraid the problem is with your DH.

And, what the pp said - your home doesn't need looking after while you're away so the IL aren't doing you a favour but staying; you're doing them a favour by letting them have a free holiday home!

momtothree Mon 22-Jun-15 23:32:36

The problem is that IL will expect spotless clean tidy hotel type home which will fall to OP to sort on top of holiday packing .., DH just grabs the cases and goes .,, he does not see the additional work involved ...

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