Husband kept secret of 16 yr old DS smoking.... DS let slip

[pheonix2015]

Hello.

I realise it's my first post here and I'm jumping in head first but... AIBU?

So, during an argument tonight where my 16 year old DS (who has aspergers) decides to pull a 'detour' - and by that, I mean this: we will be arguing about something quite straightforward then he will throw a curve ball and announce how much we are bad parents/change subject altogether/we don't think as a family unit/only think of ourselves/he's got the worst life ever (the usual OTT meltdown that I usually just stay calm, talk sensibly and talk him round to the true facts about family love, appreciation and the two way street issue). Anyway.....
BUT, then he dropped in that he's so stressed and has been smoking for ages to alleviate this, even tried weed and was going to try (something else which I couldn't make out) as he is so stressed with life and it's the only way he can cope. He then said DH knows all about this but said not to tell ME but now he doesn't care if I know!


Oh wow.... I tell you what, I
just brushed the statements aside like it didn't matter, what mattered is that we work together as a family, compromise etc, but, he has to realise us parents need to take control and set rules that cannot be overruled.

Inside, MY BLOOD WAS BOILING!

OMG, I am fuming with my DH - How dare he keep this from me in a "ahhh don't tell your mum, I'll keep it secret" kind of way!?
I am fuming and have really let my DH know that I am (in private). I would never ever keep things of importance from him when it comes to our children - eating the last choc cookie doesn't count... smoking and weed..... that counts!


Arrrhhhh AIBU?

[griselda101]

yanbu, i would be v annoyed!

[Littledoozy365]

Maybe he didn't do weed - from what it looked like your son probably said he smoked, then tried to say that he was going to try weed? (makes much more sense when I look at it and from similar past experiences with DD who also has aspergers.)
Perhaps your husband didn't want to tell you because he thought you might become stressed... more likely him thinking about you than the likeliness of your son asking him to keep it a secret that he smokes?

[Littledoozy365]

So Yabu, try looking at it from a different perspective.

[FindoGask]

When my brother and I were teenagers/children there were some things that my mum wouldn't tell my dad, because we all knew that his reaction would be so explosively over-the-top it wasn't worth the grief. So my first thought was that your husband may have had a similar motivation, but it sounds like you handled the actual news really well.

I can understand you being furious - I would be too. What did your husband say when you told him you knew?

[CycleChic]

My2 thoughts on this: did your dh actually know, or was that just a stupid thing that teenagers sometimes say? And please take him to the gp soon so he can stop self- medicating forhis stress and can get proper help!

[pheonix2015]

Yes, my DH knew I knew as he was stood (looking quite sheepish) right next to me when DS blurted it out.
It wasn't until later that evening, when we were alone, that I could ask him about it and put forward my annoyance that he would keep stuff from me.

We've gone through a lot as a family and with two teenage DS's another DS and DD, I've always been the one to say "You can tell me anything, as that's what I'm there for", so I don't believe it was kept from me because I would 'blow up in anger' or anything. I have no idea why he would have kept it from me, that's the annoying part.

Oh well, fresh new day and all that jazz. DH is in the dog house.... now I just need to figure out where to go from here with DS if he is still smoking etc. He is going through lots of change (which isn't good for him) as he was in a specialist boarding school but has now finished his GCSE's so is home for good - at least I can keep an eye on him better and be with him more.

Thanks for the replies.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Aside from the smoking my three when they were teenagers all did the detour thing.Anything to get out of the job they were being asked to do or time they needed to be home. Actually l remember doing the same to my own mom when she was insisting l clean my room 40 years ago so don't thing that's to do with ASD but a very regular teenage strategy. Just in case he is your oldest. Maybe your dh was hoping it was a one off with the smoking and hoping to spare you the angst.

[Fauxlivia]

I'd go ballistic. A parent colluding with a child in order to deceive the other parent is a big deal. How would he like it if you did similar? As a parent you should not be kept in the dark about anything that affects your child's health/wellbeing.