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Inviting guests over at 9pm. Is it unreasonable?

(40 Posts)
KindergartenKop Sun 21-Jun-15 19:12:57

A bit of background, we have 2 ds's aged 3 and 6mths. Ds1 is very demanding and clingy to me. He doesn't stop talking between 7am and 6 30pm. Ds2 still wakes once or twice a night (Dh and I share night feeds) and goes to bed between 8 and 9. I'm not a night owl and I need to be in bed by 10ish to not feel shit the next day, especially with getting up to feed ds2.

Today we went to visit some friends for lunch. It was hectic as usual and it's hard to hold an adult conversation juggling the needs of the kids. So dh suggested to the friends that they should come round one evening after the children are asleep. He didn't consult me of this plan. Frankly the last thing I want to do after ds2 goes to sleep (sometimes as late as 9pm) is entertain these friends with highbrow discussion about politics and then clear up when they leave (they are night owls!) Dh thinks I'm being unbending and stuck in my ways. I said I'd feel different once I can get ds2 in bed by 7 but as it is I don't have the energy but he's welcome to go out to see them. He's in a bit of a huff.

EeyoresTail Sun 21-Jun-15 19:15:46

Let him deal with them and the clear up afterwards.

schokolade Sun 21-Jun-15 19:17:31

We are in a similar position so you hace my sympathy!!

I would say YANBU. But my DH would argue that he feels trapped etc. So, assuming friends are happy with 9 pm, could you compromise and they come e.g. Once a month. And you get to go to bed at eleven while DH stays up later if he likes?

Onecurrantbun Sun 21-Jun-15 19:21:30

We have friends round for takeaway pizza every couple of months, means we can socialise together without needing a babysitter. They come about 8.30 and leave around 11. Minimal clear up. Not highbrow in the slightest though!!

Laquitar Sun 21-Jun-15 19:24:06

If the come on friday or saturday then only one of you gets up in the morning and then after lunch you swap and the person who got up has a siesta?

Mintyy Sun 21-Jun-15 19:25:56

I think make the effort if you possibly can.

I know you are tired but it is lovely to have adults only time with other grown-ups so you should prioritise it. As you say, its really difficult to socialise with toddlers in tow.

But if you don't make this effort your world becomes entirely child-focused instead of merely 90% child-focused, and that's a wee bit dull apart from anything else.

Georgethesecond Sun 21-Jun-15 19:28:13

Surely you only need to get rid of the two year old,then they can come round? Or is the baby hard to settle?

Georgethesecond Sun 21-Jun-15 19:28:35

Sorry, three year old.

reni1 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:30:09

Make the effort if you can at all. Dh can do the clear up, and you can go to bed before they leave if you are the one up at 6am with the kids.

Duckdeamon Sun 21-Jun-15 19:34:59

Yanbu. Sounds like you don't like these particular friends' company enough to put up with the negatives? Which is fair enough. And DH shouldn't commit your time without speaking to you first.

DH might have a point if your DC was 6 years old instead of months!

Yarp Sun 21-Jun-15 19:36:05

I think that it would be nice to feel motivated enough to want to do this, as Mintyy says. But it sounds like the people involved aren't enough of a 'draw' to want to.

I think you should try - go to bed when you need to. it's all too easy to get a bit semi-detached from other facets of life when your DCs are little

Alanna1 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:37:16

We do this on sat nights. Its noce. Tidy up on sunday!

Alanna1 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:37:30

Nice, not noce!

Hubnut Sun 21-Jun-15 19:37:45

YANBU. Wait a couple of months and you'll probably get some of your evening back and be able to do a more reasonable time. I remember being royally f*cked off when DP invited his mate round for dinner when DS was a few weeks old, no advance notice just bumped into him and said "come round in half an hour". I sat in the bedroom all night cos I was so miffed. The friend left at 11pm, on a school night too. I am an old hermit though!

butterfly133 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:55:59


you're still having to get up to feed, you shouldn't be asked to be up later than you wish.

He can go round there.

KindergartenKop Sun 21-Jun-15 20:34:14

I think there are two issues.
1) I don't like the people enough to give up my sleep for them.
2) I would feel rude just pissing off to bed while they're still here.

CleanHankie Sun 21-Jun-15 20:35:26

I remember feeling like this when my children were young. The friends in our case have older children so had gone through this themselves. The way I saw it was that they put up with my slightly annoying toddler and demanding baby, so to keep up my side of the friendship, I'd suck it up and have a late night entertaining. Admittedly the first time we did it, I took myself off to bed at 11 as couldn't cope anymore. However our lovely friends didn't mind and even encouraged me to. Sods Law, it was the first night of DD sleeping through!

If you want to keep the friendship, I'd see the friends one evening

Flomple Sun 21-Jun-15 20:42:24

Stay up a bit but cave and go to bed when you have to. Make the excuse that you'll be up at 2am to feed youngest, they'll understand.

And who says they have to arrive at 9pm? Get them to come at 8.00 or 8.30, one of you hosts while the other finishes off bedtime if necessary.

I do know the feeling of just not being able to face it, but honestly it will help your sanity and it's logistically easier than hiring a babysitter etc. if you don't like the people, grin and bear it this time and invite your own friends next time!

TwinkieTwinkle Sun 21-Jun-15 20:51:36

I think YAB a bit U. It's not a weekly event, it hasn't even been arranged. It's a bit different from your usual routine but it's not really a massive deal.

TendonQueen Sun 21-Jun-15 20:54:49

Definitely go to bed when you want to. Tell them you'll be up in the night for feeding and say 'I know our good friends understand how it is'. And make sure your husband cleans up at the end of the night or the next morning.

SirChenjin Sun 21-Jun-15 20:56:07


When you're asleep on your feet the last thing you want to do is entertain at 9pm. Give it a few months - the worst of it may have passed and you can enjoy your evening without facing another sleepless night.

Hassled Sun 21-Jun-15 20:56:36

I remember those days when nothing in the world was as important as sleep - I'd have lost a limb in exchange for some sleep, and so I do understand that the thought of a late-night chat when all you want is bed would piss you off. Especially if your DH doesn't understand how you're feeling.

But it is a good point that you shouldn't feel you need to get the baby down - if you could move the evening earlier, so they came once DC1 is in bed, would that help?

eddielizzard Sun 21-Jun-15 20:59:14

well personally i'd put it off until you feel you can cope with it. you could say 'i know dh said we should meet after the kids are in bed but to be frank with you i am so sleep deprived i just couldn't cope with that at the moment! let's see how things are in 6 months. meanwhile would you like to come to ours for lunch?'

it is just not worth it! you won't enjoy it, you know there will be a high price to pay and it's just the way your life is at the moment. in a year's time you will feel totally different and you'll be able to get back to that sort of thing.

my youngest is 4 and i my heart still sinks at the thought of a late night!

carrotsmakeamessofyourcurtains Sun 21-Jun-15 21:00:12

YANBU. Tell DH that it's fine but as it's his invitation he needs to do the shopping, the prep, the cooking, the serving, the cleaning and tidying beforehand and the clearing up afterwards and he needs to do any night feeds/deal with any child issues arising before normal wake up time next morning.

If he isn't then you need to ask him who he's employing to do it in his place.

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 21-Jun-15 22:03:56

Obviously in general it is very normal to socialise at 9 pm. So the question is should your dh have known you wouldn't want to do this before he arranged it? I guess it depends on how rigid your 10 pm bedtime is. Personally I don't see that missing an hour's sleep is going to do you a lot of harm but if you don't want to just do it on a weekend night when you can have a lie in I guess?

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