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To feel really sorry for DP regarding Father's Day card.

(43 Posts)
Stinkerbellabumsmella Sun 21-Jun-15 18:24:14

DP has a DD (4) from a previous relationship. Up until a year ago she was with us 4 nights a week until she moved 75 miles away with her DM to live with her new partner.

DSD announced this morning that she had made a Father's Day card at school for DP but her mum had told her to give it to her partner. Exact words were "i made you a card at school daddy but mum told me to give it to (N/C) Percy."

I felt so sorry for DP, he's such a good dad, he works hard, pays well above what he has to for maintenence, drives the 150 mile round trip every weekend so that he can see her. He's the sort of dad who would've really treasured a handmade card, it would've meant the world to him. He's been really down since this morning and said he feels as though his ex is slowly trying to cut him out of DSDs life (reduced holiday contact, not responding to texts or calls about access, DSDs attitude towards DP slowly deteriorating, mimicking what her DM has said to her etc).

DP suggested to his ex that he could be DSDs RP before she moved, but she refused and said that DSD NEEDED her mum. He threatened to take her to court to get custody but said he didn't want any more animosity between itself and his ex.

I feel desperately for DSD in all of this too, some of the things she comes out with are so sad, you just know someone has planted that seed for her to say it, she seems confused and angry most of the time and we are just focused on trying to make everything as normal and enjoyable when she's here. Like this morning he didn't react when she said, he didn't verbally respond to her but I could tell it had gotten to him.

AuntyMag10 Sun 21-Jun-15 18:33:30

Yanbu, pretty cruel of her to make her dd give it to the other man.

mrssmith79 Sun 21-Jun-15 18:44:11

Oh that is low angry.

Whatthefuckhaveidone Sun 21-Jun-15 18:50:32

My dc gave my partner a fathers day card today but not their father. When he called one of my dc said more or less the same as your dsd , and it wasn't the case at all, they chose to give the person who does the day to day stuff with them a card. Kids say all sorts of things, I'd take it with a pinch of salt.

Maybe you could make a card with her/choose a present in advance of fathers day next year.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Sun 21-Jun-15 18:54:47

That's very sad sad. I wonder if her step dad has twigged it wasn't really made for him? Quite awkward for him I'd imagine.

Your dsd is with her dad today though, I'm assuming?

vvega Sun 21-Jun-15 18:57:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

conniedescending Sun 21-Jun-15 18:59:02

That's really sad....he just needs to keep involved and have as much contact as possible. Must hurt though.

Whatthefuck.....quite an apt username I thought? Very mean spirited and hurtful thing to say to OP. Also, very mean thing to support your child to do. Be the bigger person fgs

Aeroflotgirl Sun 21-Jun-15 18:59:41

That is really sad, your poor DP sad. Is she with you today, mabey you can make one with her for her dad.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastdaytears Sun 21-Jun-15 19:01:50

OP can you arrange a catch up Father's Day? when I was a kid my parents went to loads of lengths to let us do all occasions twice and we loved it.
All very sad for your DSD. I've known my stepdad since I was 6 and love him to bits but he's not my dad and never going to replace him. Not sure what he'd do if I gave him a FD card! I did "invent" a stepdad day for him though when I was littleish and made him a card for that.

Starlightbright1 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:04:49

I was thinking the same as Areo ...though guess a little late now..Could you do something special for Daddy. make a cake together make a card she can design.. I am sure DSD would of loved to do that.

It sounds like you are going to have to do this type of thing with her same with christmas and birthdays...Remind him it is where her eart is that matters xx

Mumteedum Sun 21-Jun-15 19:04:56

This exact thing happened to my db, except ex gave card to her dad.

Sounds rough.

And here I am, the resident parent offering extra time to ex to see his son today (or all weekend) and he said no thanks. I didn't get ds to make card. Felt it'd be unkind to ds.

fastdaytears Sun 21-Jun-15 19:06:20

Whatthefuck obviously we don't know what your ex is like with the kids so you might be 100% justified but do you not think that the Op's DP might love to do the stuff that you're describing? He didn't choose to make his DD move away.

WinterBabyof89 Sun 21-Jun-15 19:07:46

Feel for your DP.. If I was the mother of DSD I'd have guided her to give the card to her dad - because that's the right thing to do in this scenario (given the info you've listed).

Maybe next year make a homemade card with her so that you know she'll have something to give DP smile

Stinkerbellabumsmella Sun 21-Jun-15 19:08:50

I've told him this. He's just got black from dropping her off at her DMs. I've told him not to react to the bull shit as that is exactly what she wants.

Its just so sad that there is a young child stuck in the middle of all this. We've had "my mummy loves me all of the time but you just love me sometimes." You may think we're being very suspicious but I really struggle to understand how a young child can say those sorts of things.

fastdaytears Sun 21-Jun-15 19:10:18

Stinker flowers that's awful. How horrible to hear. Of course she's been old that. I've never known a 4 year old who would come out with that by themselves.

Stinkerbellabumsmella Sun 21-Jun-15 19:12:11

We did make a homemade card together, stuck loads of chocolate bars on it etc which she really enjoyed but that's not the point, she made her daddy a card at school and her "D"M told her that she had to give it to her step dad. He's understandably upset?

MadamG Sun 21-Jun-15 19:14:40

My DSD didn't send a card to her dad for today, I'm wondering if her mother did the same thing, she's got form for trying to get DSD to call her step father 'daddy'. It's heart breaking.
I get DSD to make / write something for her dad anyhow when we see her, she usually puts something in the post as well though, but not this year sad sympathies. I hope you can work with your do to get access to your step daughter so she can re build her relationship with her dad. It's possible obviously but takes work.

MadamG Sun 21-Jun-15 19:15:48

He's got every right to be upset, I didn't mean to minimise that.

Whatthefuckhaveidone Sun 21-Jun-15 19:18:18

I cant see how anything I said was mean spirited confused just offering a different viewpoint.

Without going into details and derailing I am very justified in supporting my dcs choice to not to acknowledge their biological dad today, however if his girlfriend thought I was being a bitch and trying to push my ex out I would fully expect her to do something about it, ie arrange a special day out, buy him a card or present or whatever.

vvega Sun 21-Jun-15 19:25:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stinkerbellabumsmella Sun 21-Jun-15 19:26:08

whatthefuck I get where you're coming from. My dad is a useless piece of shit and I haven't sent him a fathers day card for years and just like your DC I have justifiable reasons for that too.

The thing is that DP makes such an effort with DSD and is a very good dad. And his ex has form for this sort of thing, she's very manipulative.

Stinkerbellabumsmella Sun 21-Jun-15 19:28:41

vvega exactly what I say to DP, in 10 or 15 years time DSD will look back and realise who made all of the effort and will remember when her shit of a mother tried to poison her young child against her father who would move mountains for her.

Whatthefuckhaveidone Sun 21-Jun-15 19:30:19

It's probably best you take control of the special days from now on, that way his ex can't manipulate the situation, dsd isn't being put in an awkward situation and your dp is happy, it will also be some nice bonding time for you and your dsd. It's not ideal, but you can make it work to your advantage. thanks

Spotifymuse Sun 21-Jun-15 19:35:37

Vega you seem very preoccupied with children as being pay per view. Desperately sad attitude towards kids.

OP YANBU to acknowledge your DPs sadness. I would encourage him not to make a huge deal out of a card though. He's had his daughter with him for Fathers Day and that's the main thing. I'd be organised next year to help DD make a card/ present etc prior to Fathers Day so that way she won't be stressed about having to leave the other card at home.

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