To not be able to settle down?

(8 Posts)
fackinell Sun 21-Jun-15 14:09:10

Deliberately posting in AIBU because I want strong opinions and I know you lot won't hold back! grin

Bit of background; I've always had the travel bug and left my home town 25 yrs ago and moved around a lot in that time (latterly in London.) I moved back home for a variety of reasons: mum wasn't keeping well and has now been diagnosed with a more serious condition (but hopefully will have many more years with us,) I really couldn't afford London after my ex and I broke up and I wanted to pursue a career opportunity that would limit my income and needed a lower cost of living. It's done really well but floundering because I can't commit to it and settle.

Long story short, I met someone just after I arrived home who has no interest in ever leaving our home town (fair enough but not what I want.) I never originally wanted kids but he wanted more so we tried and lost four pregnancies. He's a great guy but an extremely indulgent dad to a young adult, he doesn't like to socialise and is very routine in his life. I am the polar opposite, love to socialise, can't sit still for long and I feel trapped and stifled to the point I'm having anxiety and bad asthma after years of it being controlled.

His DD and I have had a rocky relationship, she has said some fairly unforgivable (but I did forgive) things over the years and DP never backs me up. In fact, he often gets angry that I even have my say on the way she acts. We have split over this before too. He was on his own for years after his ExW left for OM. Things are calming as his DD gets older and sees me more as a friend and less of a threat.

Now I'm at a crossroads where I either go down an advanced fertility route (in my mid 40s so time is of the essence) or not and decide where I want to be. I know the grass isn't greener but I feel caged in my home town. Many of the attitudes are small minded, people use outdated and derogatory words for race angry and our local community is now blended nicely with a good amount of hardworking people from Eastern Europe who are slated by most. I hate that!

I love being near my family but don't see that much of them as everyone busy with work etc. I'd never forgive myself for not having precious time with DM should something happen to her but I'm so frustrated it's affecting me every day. I think I could settle if I knew DP would move in say, 5 years and I was working towards a plan. I've told him that if he ever proposes (he's mentioned getting married several times) that he does so on the understanding that I won't live in our home town long term and by proposing he accepts that and we will spend some time doing what I want too. Not an ideal start to a potential marriage and could backfire. We have a bright future, potentially (both career driven and ambitious in the workplace) and I don't want to break up; I just don't want to be here where we live.

haveabreakhaveakitkat Sun 21-Jun-15 15:08:21

You don't sound like a match made in heaven. Are you absolutely sure you can spend the rest of your life and have a family with someone who is your polar opposite? I know they say opposites attract but it's not always good long term. You both need to make some allowances for this to work. A big talk needed I think.

fackinell Sun 21-Jun-15 21:29:21

Haveabreak, I could if I had family with him as I'd be living a calmer life. I couldn't see us long term without kids as the lifestyle would be constricted. I guess that's conditional, thank you for your reply.

formerbabe Sun 21-Jun-15 21:37:24

Op...I'm confused. Leaving aside the area you live, do you want to have a child? I can't work it out. That's the most important question IMO...and an urgent one if you don't mind me suggesting.

twirlypoo Sun 21-Jun-15 21:39:26

I am like you. I have moved around my whole life. I got pregnant accidentally when I was single 4 years ago (ds is now 3) and it has tethered me to my home town.

There are moments when it kills me, but, equally, now I have ds the last thing in the world I want to do is move - a)because it would be hell with a toddler, and b)because he needs stability more than I need to keep moving.... And so I stay for him.

We have a lot of weekend breaks, and that helps fix my need to keep on the move, but things change. Thsts with a child mind,I don't know about the partner part!

fackinell Sun 21-Jun-15 22:05:17

Former, yes I do want a child. My
Mind changed drastically from 'whatever,' to 'I need this baby more than anything,' the second I was pregnant with my first. I won't have a baby at any cost though, I can be objective about it. He will be a great (but indulgent) father but I don't want to be a single mum by default in a relationship that could go wrong (I saw my mum's struggle.) I don't want to be trapped here but I also don't want to break a relationship up with the father of my child because I don't want to be here.

fackinell Sun 21-Jun-15 22:08:39

Twirly, that's what concerns me, know. A move would be 100% harder with a child and a father that didn't want his child to go. What would you have done with hindsight? Move or stay? Before or after baby? I have no guarantee I can get pg anyway.

fackinell Sun 21-Jun-15 23:02:01

Amendment; I know I can get PG but no guarantee baby will stick.

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