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...it's only just occurred to me....

(12 Posts)
nooyearnooname Sun 21-Jun-15 10:05:52

My dad died when I was a young teenager, more than 20 years ago. My mum remarried a few years later and I never got on with my stepdad / he was never interested in being any kind of father figure, despite which my mum made it clear she expected me to send him a fathers day card every year, which I did until he died a few years ago.

I've just realised that in all the time I can remember, not once has my mother ever acknowledged that fathers day might be difficult for me, despite DH and my friends knowing I find it hard and being accordingly supportive on the day. I'm not sat at home in pieces or anything but it makes me sad that the dad I did have was ace and he's gone, and I never even got anything close to a replacement, if that makes sense? And today, with everyone taking their dads out for lunch, posting things on facebook, I do get upset.

AIBU to think that she should, at least once, have said something?

mummytime Sun 21-Jun-15 10:11:56

It sounds like you had a bit of a crap mum?

You could look in at the Stately Homes thread in relationships.

Not everyone is part of the orgy of Dad love that Father's day invokes. Its just those for whom its irrelevant tend to be quiet.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Sun 21-Jun-15 10:13:34

I guess she figures you are an adult now, and it shouldn't bother you...
Or maybe she doesn't realise it bothers you?
As she has moved on, she might assume the same is true for everybody else.
Maybe when she has a quiet minute, say to her "new dad is ok, but I miss my real dad. Especially today.)
Not decided if Yabu or not.
I don't think she should automatically realise, it depends if you have ever told her these things?

rockybalboa Sun 21-Jun-15 10:15:59

People do funny things. Do you think she might be still struggling with his death (despite her subsequent remarriage) and therefore find it difficult to discuss with you?

The Father's Day puke fest on FB is nauseating at the best of times.

DoreenLethal Sun 21-Jun-15 10:17:45

My father left us at 6 and wanted nothing to do with me.

Not too keen on the day myself to be honest. Puke fest is right. 100%.

LotsaDots Sun 21-Jun-15 10:19:00

YANBU these are your feelings and you're entitled to them. it's definately a healthy thing to explore them. maybe write a letter, one you won't send but it'll help you express your feelings and figure things out. go and do something you enjoy today and take care of yourself

molyholy Sun 21-Jun-15 10:19:38

Yanbu to miss your dad on fathers day. Mine died when I was in my early 20s. It sounds like you never got a chance to actually grieve properly if you are still feeling like this so many years on.

nooyearnooname Sun 21-Jun-15 10:23:23

As far as I know she is completely over his death and has been for a long time - never mentions him at all and anything of sentimental value was handed to me years ago. In fact the phrase 'you're just like your father' was used in arguments as an insult all through my teens - I can remember them arguing a lot so perhaps their marriage was unhappy and wouldn't have lasted anyway, who knows.

I think it's not so much that she doesn't say anything now, it's a long time ago and maybe it just doesn't register for her, fair enough. It's more that I can never remember it being acknowledged ever, even when I was a teenager / young adult and still living at home. And for some reason today it's just occurred to me when it never has before.

And 'crap mum' mummytime...there's a whole new topic there!! But yes.

madmother1 Sun 21-Jun-15 10:25:22

Ah bless you. Those without Fathers on FD...do not go on fb!! I've resisted so far. Sending you a big hug flowers

TruJay Sun 21-Jun-15 10:30:31

I've never done the whole dad thing, he wasn't involved in our lives.
Our grandad took that role and a bloody good job he did too, I was heartbroken when he died and I miss him everyday. We always got him cards/gifts on Father's Day.
Yanbu to be upset but I think some people just don't 'get it' if it isn't about them.
I hope you are ok.
I enjoy doing Father's Day for my DH now who really knows what it means to be a dad and its lovely that my children get that chance to have a solid father in their lives.
I'm really sorry for your loss and hope that you are ok today flowers

MammaTJ Sun 21-Jun-15 11:40:48

My father is apparently still alive and will no doubt get cards from his step children, but he has 5 grandchildren he never met and one he last saw 11 years ago.
Father's Day is hard for me. I try to focus on making it good for DP!

So sorry for your loss.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Sun 21-Jun-15 12:09:37

I understand where you're coming from. I had an abusive father, but luckily was out of my life quite young. The primary school I attended didn't like I was from a 'broken home', so always had to get involved in activities. Even though I had missed some early school due to needing child therapy because of his behaviour hmm. I once said "I don't have a daddy, hes not very nice", got told off for saying horrible things. I did have a lovely grandfather, whom I never had an issue getting things for, but hated a big fuss, or being reminded that other kids had normal, loving parents.

My partner, bless him, doesn't quite get it either. He adores his father, as any normal person could. He wanted me to sign his father's card, something I haven't done since my beloved grandad passed away. It took me two days, and couldn't think of anything beyond generic sentiments. It just seemed meaningless to me. I hope I can find something nice to do by next year, I don't want my little boy to be as cold about it as I am.

flowers, hope you can find some happiness in your memories today at least.

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