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The 'Facebook' Effect - Anyone else feel life is always greener.....

(37 Posts)
LittleLaddy Sat 20-Jun-15 20:27:06

I know I am being unreasonable if I am honest but I see all these fb posts of everyone having all this wonderful time and enjoying themselves with hundreds of different friends and I am left feeling life is passing me by at times in friendship terms. I know FB only presents a certain side of life but even if I wanted to pretend I had this I couldn't present it through photos etc as it doesn't exist.
We have a lot to be very grateful for -two beautiful children, a wonderful relationship, we struggle financially but survive, but I barely ever see friends. There is two sides to this I have never really had a wide social network and often feel a little envious of those who do. I'm not very good socially, reading social situations knowing the right thing to say etc and feel like the outsider - I would like to be different and really do make an effort but DH is probably more unsociable than me and really likes us to have our free time as a family. But overall we have become a little like hermits!
So I see all my friends getting together and think well no-one invited us and feel sad. But this of course is two way as I don't often go above and beyond to see people, I'm normally so shattered with two young children and a full time job - social time and my leisure time goes out of the window as I do all my chores and bits in my spare time to ensure my children get maximum amount of attention from me - for example I work evenings 5 nights a week so I have 1.5 days off in the week + weekends.
So I suppose my real AIBU question is - AIBU to wish I could find this balance and have some more time with friends? And are there others in this position - or is the FB really all lies?

chickenfuckingpox Sat 20-Jun-15 20:36:25

when im having a shite time i do not post on facebook i hate the attention seeking status syndrome followed by awww you ok hunny? hugs etc etc its so fake if i have a problem i speak to my friends face to face (or on the phone)

just detach for awhile it helps

fastdaytears Sat 20-Jun-15 20:37:56

It's not lies but it's really, really consciously presented. Some people do a very good PR job on their lives on Facebook. The link between FB time and low mood is talked about all over the place. I find everyone else's lives look brilliant on FB especially after a couple of glasses of wine. This time of year is particularly tough with all the weddings and exotic holidays. Switch off for a bit and stick to MN where we're all honest about how un-glam and generally shit our lives are!

Luckyfellow Sat 20-Jun-15 20:37:59

I don't think the fb is all lies. But I don't think their lives are better than yours. You have a lovely family you enjoy spending time with. That is a fantastic thing and worth a lot. Maybe some people look at your Facebook and wish they had a close relationship or a young family. It's best not to compare lives. Your life is good. Their lives are good. It's all good.

itsmine Sat 20-Jun-15 20:39:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastdaytears Sat 20-Jun-15 20:40:07

chicken I totally agree. When I feel myself getting down, the first thing I do is delete the FB app. Don't know if it works but I do know that the time I spend looking at other people's photos does not make me feel good at all unless I'm in an ok place about my life.

WaferInMyCoffee Sat 20-Jun-15 20:42:13

Turn it round - have a little go at presenting your life as amazing as if it were on FB. Don't actually do it cos that's annoying and cringey and what we all hate, but have a look through your photos and think about what you could post and how you would caption it - think about it what hateful statuses you could post and how you could present your life online as perfect. We can all do it! I have several photos of my children living an idyllic childhood (who cares that they are several months apart!) and days out, and things I could write about on FB if I really saw the need. Facebook doesn't need to know all the shit going on inbetween!

It easy to have a perfect life online. But we all know it isn't real. Focus on what is actually awesome in your reality xx

manicinsomniac Sat 20-Jun-15 20:43:41

Facebook is not lies but it selective and it is hyperbolic.

I find my facebook friends lives come across as either:
a) overwhelmingly positive - loads of posts about exciting times with friends and family, amazing opportunities, fulfilling jobs, travel etc
b) overwhelmingly negative - I hate the world, nobody loves me, I have eleventy billion healthy problems which society doesn't care about etc
c) empty - the person never posts anything

In reality everybody's life is probably a mixture of a, b and c but individuals choose how to present their lives.

I have a friend who can't use facebook at all because she gets so upset as seeing her friends living the life she wanted but doesn't have. It's totally understandable but really sad because there are so many positives in her life and probably plenty of negatives in the lives of those she's so envious of.

ChuffinAda Sat 20-Jun-15 20:44:02

Best thing I ever did was delete Facebook. I got sick of seeing people who were living their lives for social media. No one enjoys the moment of being somewhere anymore it all has to be carefully planned and outfits worked out so it looks good on Facebook.

I'm more of a get on with it and enjoy kind of person.

It's why I also hate going to gigs too. Put the firkin phones down and enjoy yourself!

ilovesooty Sat 20-Jun-15 20:46:44

Actually when I look at the events I'm tagged in on Facebook they look more exciting than I remember them being!

ChuffinAda Sat 20-Jun-15 20:49:00

I never ever got tagged in anything. It got to the point where it made me feel people were ashamed to be seen with me. It wasn't paranoia without cause though because these were people who tagged everyone in everything and even had accounts for their dogs who they tagged in...

LittleLaddy Sat 20-Jun-15 20:54:34

Even just reading some of these posts back makes me annoyed with myself - someone suggested present a perfect life, yes I could do that! I have two boys who 90% of the time get on fantastically well and are very happy, we do a lot of stuff - very sort of outdoors, adventure based stuff - just as example last night we were out camping and cooking jacket potatoes on an open fire before building camps today - the boys were in seventh heaven! We really are very happy as are our boys. This was prompted by a friends organising a baby shower for another friend, relatively openly and I'm not invited, then I thought I'd just see what others were up to and it sort of snowballed into me realising that I spend time one on one with 3 friends but other than that don't really see anyone unless its larger events (normally around my boys social lives!). Completely self pity as I've sent DH out tonight with a friend of his as I worry about him needing other friends and picked up a glass of wine and suddenly felt lonely!!! I've metaphorically slapping myself back to reality!!

fastdaytears Sat 20-Jun-15 20:56:26

Good job! And for raising happy, lovely boys. Campfire sounds really fun. Would you really rather be at a baby shower?

thefourgp Sat 20-Jun-15 20:59:34

I totally agree with luckyfellow. A friend I'm not in contact with was recently privately messaging me and saying how lucky I am and how great my life is but I don't post really personal or negative stuff on facebook so she had no idea about my dad getting cancer, stress at work or family problems. Facebook is not a transparent show of your life really is. Your life sounds lovely and very similar to mine OP. I sometimes feel a bit isolated too but I know I'm lucky to be content (most of the time). X

LittleLaddy Sat 20-Jun-15 20:59:41

Definitely wouldn't rather be at baby-shower but nice to feel included! I'll survive - we brought a family canoe this weekend so will look forward to doing that instead!! wink

Jacksonyellow Sat 20-Jun-15 21:01:30

I left FB because I found it too depressing to be constantly comparing my life to others. It's shit for people who are infertile because of all the baby scan photos, happy familiy photos, status about how much they love their kids. It made me feel so down, it was like rubbing salt in the wound every time o logged in.

Jacksonyellow Sat 20-Jun-15 21:03:08

Totally agree it doesn't show the whole picture. I never posted anything about my failed I feel rounds but I would post photos of exotic holidays.

Jacksonyellow Sat 20-Jun-15 21:03:45

Failed Ivf that should read.

ChuffinAda Sat 20-Jun-15 21:05:03

I know how you feel. My feed was becoming awash with scans, babyshowers and new arrivals. I work in an office with 6 pregnant ladies. It all gets too much to tolerate. flowers

scarlets Sat 20-Jun-15 21:07:05

People tend to post positive stuff with maybe the odd rant or sad post. I don't think FB is representive. It's highly controlled by the user and should be taken with a pinch of salt. And I say that as someone who likes FB and is a regular(ish) user.

Edna1969 Sat 20-Jun-15 21:15:41

I only ever post postives on Facebook so my feed is not representative of our lives (mostly good but hey everyone has bad days / weeks).

I do put a lot of pictures up as have friends and family who live far away.

Chewbecca Sat 20-Jun-15 21:18:33

If you want more of a social life, I woud suggest inviting people round to your home for an afternoon (if with DC) or evening (if without). BBQ, bite to eat, drink, chat etc.

Whenever I feel our social calendar is looking sorry, I start issuing invites, then the return invites start & invites to other events & we're on a roll again, socially.

cardibach Sat 20-Jun-15 21:24:46

As ever with fb, it all depends on your friends. Mine are as likely to post that their car broke down or their rabbit are their scarf (both true posts from my friends) as that something great has happened. No conscious presenting, PR or whinging. Just stuff we would say to each other in RL.

Stanky Sat 20-Jun-15 21:29:21

I only post positives, and fairly infrequently. I don't want friends and family to know how depressed I really am, how I dread mornings, how I'm overweight, my house is a tip, and I can't cope. My dc are starting to show signs of damage now. 7 yo said that he wants to live with any one but his parents. I don't blame him. But on fb, everything is fine. You just don't know what is really going on.

Wafflenose Sat 20-Jun-15 21:37:15

I could have written almost every word of your OP, right down to working 5 evenings a week (Music Teacher). And it's fine - it really is. I find work and kids draining enough without socialising frequently, and you sound similar. Facebook really does present a certain side, and some people want to be seen to be socialising non-stop!

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