To not want step son's girlfriend staying 24/7

[HormonalHeap]

Have awful relationship with my ss 21 who lives with us intermittently, always have had- hated me on sight (not ow) and over the years, after making a consistent effort, I have stopped trying. Has never wanted to be part of our family.

He now has a girlfriend who is spending more and more time at our house, it now feels as if she lives with us. I did not sign up to live with his girlfriend, but openly admit that if his dad (my Dh) had supported me and dealt with his behaviour appropriately, I would not be feeling so mean-spirited towards the whole situation. Having said that, if my dd had a boyfriend, I would not want to live with him either! This girl rents her own flat so it's not as if they'd have nowhere to go, but we have just bought a large comfortable house which I'm sure she prefers! I have just come home to her doing a Mastershef in my kitchen and I am feeling more resentful of her continuous presence every day, and have told dh he will have to explain to ss that she simply can't be here all the time.

Well... Am I?

[Ledkr]

I had this with my birth son and felt the same. Don't mind the odd night but every day is a piss take.
What does your dh say?

[CalleighDoodle]

No yanbu

[ItsTricky]

YANBU to want breathing space in your own home. Dh needs to talk with them both asap.

Is she there when your dss isn't?

[hoobypickypickyisborednow]

No you're not BU at all. A guest is one thing, a nigh on permanent fixture is inconvenient, irritating and deprives the rest of the household of their privacy and space.

[HormonalHeap]

My dh is afraid to upset either of them. Has never been one to say no to his children for fear of 'losing' them. I know my actual problem here is with dh who as usual isn't supporting me, and keeoing ss sweet above my needs. But thank you for your views as I was wanted to be sure I wasn't being unreasonable before I put my foot down.

[HormonalHeap]

His mum lives the other end of the country, it suits him to live here near his work- and of course rent free! Recently ss has been popping out to meet friends leaving her in the house

[snowglobemouse]

hell no yanbu

[ImperialBlether]

I couldn't stand that. Was she using all your ingredients, too? Who was she cooking for - everyone? Does she/he clear away?

I couldn't have lived with someone who couldn't stand me, anyway. Bad enough when you go through difficult times with your own children but I would have found hatred from a step child really difficult and I wouldn't have wanted to be there.

I don't understand why they don't go to her flat - surely there'd be more privacy there?

[ImperialBlether]

Why is he living rent free? Does he work?

[NobodyLivesHere]

I find it odd that if she has her own place they'd rather be at yours. Are you sure there isn't some sort of issue with her flat or enough money for food or something? Not that it's your problem, but I'd want to be sure she was ok before I blew my stack.

[PuppyMonkey]

I don't think it's on for gf to stay in your house while he goes out either, wtf

[TendonQueen]

Given that she has her own flat, that's completely bizarre. Do you have Sky or other attractions of that sort? You need to talk to your husband about this urgently.

[Finola1step]

When I was this age, I would stay over at my then bf's parents house a few nights a week. We worked together so it made sense to stay there on our working weekends. However, I was very aware of being polite.

I would never have used the kitchen without asking first. We mostly ate out anyway. I would never have used his parent's bathroom (but bf did have his own upstairs). I always made sure that the upstairs and bathroom were all clean and tidy before leaving.

I basically stayed out of the way and didn't take liberties. I actually got on very well with his parents. Better than with him

Therefore, I think you are perfectly entitled to pull up your ss and his gf. They are old enough to respect boundaries and be given it straight.

[notapizzaeater]

When I was a youngster at home I spent most of my time at my boyfriends house. I was told it was ok but I would have to pay board if I was living there by default.

[Damnautocorrect]

I think it really depends on the relationship, I used to stay at my 1st boyfriends house, I'd cook for everyone occasionally, id sit and drink coffee with mum and dad whilst he was out. I don't think anyone took offence we just all got on. We weren't shut away in his room but part of the family. They were lovely him not so much.
But if you don't get on its a whole different ball game, I too find it strange they aren't at her flat, presuming he's not paying rent he could chip in for food at hers? how do you get on with her?
I see 2 options
His dad tells him it's not on - not likely, even ground rules sound like he'd struggle.
Or
You try and befriend and embrace your new house guest. You shouldn't HAVE to. But it might work. You'd have to like her for that to stand a chance though!

[VodkaJelly]

You need to "woman up" here I'm afraid OP. No leaving it for your husband to sort out - its your house too.

Tell the stepson that the girlfriend is only allowed to stay over one night a week, and if he is not in the house then she is not to be there either. If he doesnt like it - he can move out.

[Misslgl88]

Wow I wouldn't accept girl/boyfriends staying all the time from my own kids let alone step children. Is it possible he's doing it because he knows he won't be pulled up on it?

[pinkyredrose]

Your DH needs to pull his finger out. Why does he tolerate his son hating you yet living with you? Why the hell isn't SS paying rent?! Tell the girl to leave fgs!

[AuntyMag10]

Yanbu he's clearly taking advantage of you and your dh but your dh needs to step up and sort this out.

[NormaStits]

I like vvega's approach! If speaking directly is not an option because it will scare off DSS, then definitely try the over friendly approach. Ask lots of personal questions, make over familiar comments, kill with kindness.

One of my step children has been complaining that their boyfriend's mum is aloof and she doesn't know why. I pointed out that given that she spends about 4 nights a week there the woman is probably sick of the sight of her. This has been brushed off, as if I am completely unreasonable to suggest it.

[juneau]

God no, YANBU at all! I'd hate that situation too. Kick your DH up the arse and tell him to sort it out. Its his bloody DS, not yours, and at 21 he should be fending for himself (or staying with this girl, if he wants to be with her every day and night).

[yellowdinosauragain]

Wow I wouldn't accept girl/boyfriends staying all the time from my own kids let alone step children

Nasty attitude, IMHO.

That said the op is nbu to have had enough of this and I also agree that ss should be paying rent given that he works.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

YANBU. Sometimes I find it easier to give DH simple instruction rather than a generic this is your issue deal with it.

Its causing you the problem, pressumably your DH's only issue is an upset you?, so you need to work out what you consider acceptable - house rules.

Is one over night a week okay? If shes not overnight is there a quiet in house after 11pm rule?

Is using your kitchen okay?

Is eating with you all regularly okay?

Who gets the remote in the lounge?

Whats the exit plan for your SS? If hes earning and not paying any rent will he ever leave and do you ever want him too?

What about collecting rent/ keep off him but putting it into a house deposit ISA thing so a few years down the line theres a potential exit for him and hes not so used to all income being disposable so more set up for hitting the real world.