IABU, but I hate admitting I'm wrong..(11 Posts)
I consider me to have a good relationship with my mum. I don't see her often, even though I only live 30mins away, but it is always I that visits her (and my dad, they are still together). My mum doesn't drive (but my dad does) and works odd days often weekends, whereas I work full time monday-friday. Meeting up and visits always seems to fall down to me, as I drive and phone calls often fall down to me aswell (usually twice a week or so) as 'she doesn't know what I'm up to, so doesnt bother phoning'.
So all well and good, I'm okay with making the effort most of the time. Today was my birthday. I was at work all week, and didn't bother phoning her as I've been getting home later and been coming down with a cold so I've been going to bed early as I'm so shattered. I heard nothing from her all day until 8.30pm, she phoned to wish me a happy birthday. She made a comment that she thought I would have driven to see them after work, and therefore for them to see me in person on my birthday, and it made me really annoyed. MIL phoned days ago to check our plans and came over to see me in person to wish me a happy birthday and give me a gift. Yet I've heard nothing from my own parents and then it was assumed that it would be down to me yet again to make the effort to see them when it's my birthday. They easily could have seen me after I finished work and before going out with DH for a meal.
So I was quite snappy with mum on the phone, and in return she was very brief. I'm upset as I hate confrontation. IABU, as birthdays have never been a big thing with my family, but to DH's family they are.. I should just suck it up and go see them tomorrow shouldn't I?
Happy birthday! [Flowers]
I understand why you're fed up making the effort but your DM had no way of knowing that this was the year when you'd decide you wouldn't go to them. If it will make you happier then visit them tomorrow. If you'll resent the effort, then don't.
No I don't think you do.
If they wanted to see you on your birthday then it's up to them to make the arrangements. Even if it's just ringing to say we'd like to see you, could you pop up.
I would wait and see what your mum does tomorrow when everything has calmed down.
I see my mum about 6 times a year. Usually once every school holiday. Occasionally more. The family are all spread out from north west to south east, so we try to arrange to meet in the middle.
But we all text birthday greetings, with a note saying we will phone in the evening. That way the birthday person can reply, saying thanks, chat later, or explain their evening plans.
Even my 11 year old can text them! He won't phone as it uses all his credit, while the rest of us get free calls.
If they wanted to see you, they should have said so!
Not worth falling out over. See if they offer to do anything for your birthday, then apologise for being tired/run down/unwell.
Thanks for the responses. It's not like me at all to be so snappy with my mum, but it really grated on me. (Can I blame MIL for being so nice and making too much of an effort? She shouldn't outshine my own mother!! )
whycant my mother is notoriously the worst texter! I taught her once and by the next day everything had been promptly forgotten (possibly due to the half bottle of gin she had consumed in between learning and sleep).
No, why not start by inviting them over to yours rather than keep driving over there.
I havent seen my mum on my birthday in about 20 years and her and my brother live three hours away. So in that respect it is much easier for you to make the effort. But be the change you want.
Happy birthday OP!.... for you, more for your lovely MIL, and, what the hell, for your mum too
(I'm looking forward to the weekend, have drunk slightly too much wine and am in a happy place. Maybe shouldn't be on AIBU, come to think of it).
Chuck yes I probably should invite them over more- but our relationship really is less of a formal invite. If I go over and see them, its just dropping by and not responding to an invite. I feel they should be the same, however it is unreasonable that I should assume they know.
Noddingoff I have also had a good few glasses of wine, perhaps which gave me the courage to show a bit more of my annoyance when on the phone with mum earlier on. A bit more wine and I may forget about the whole situation. more wine for us both
Have a lovely birthday, and hope you are feeling better.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. Saying she doesn't phone because she doesn't know what you are up to is feeble. If she doesn't get you, she can always call later, or always phone at a certain time ( eg Sunday evening) when she knows you will be in.
Your DM is in the habit of doing nothing while you make the effort. You reinforce this : by doing all the running, you are essentially telling her that it's ok. So yes it's your birthday and they could have made the effort, but they are obviously not used to ever doing a thing. So is there a gentle way to actually say that she / they could make more of an effort, instead of the passive aggressive thing?
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