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To think DH is being completely unfair playing family top trumps

(94 Posts)
Lambzig Fri 19-Jun-15 21:32:27

We have a few busy weekends as we are in the middle of building work, which is pretty grim, so we had arranged to go away to see friends/family who have been kind enough to host us for the weekends.

DH's parents have just phoned up tonight and said that they are having a 70th party for FILs birthday the first weekend in July and would like us to come.

We have already arranged to be at my sister's that weekend (nowhere near PIL). It has been arranged since early May and she has stuff planned for the DC. We haven't stayed there for 18 months although her and I meet up for lunch.

DH's uncle (FIL brother) is ill (we don't know any diagnosis, so no idea of how ill) and we are not sure how long he will be around. We were there in April for a big family party. DH's family are normally not that fussed with us for various reasons. DS is 2.5 and they have seen him 3 times and we normally see them about once a year.

DH wants me to call my sister and rearrange, telling her it's his fathers 70th and that his uncle is ill. While I am sympathetic, I think they have to accept if they arrange a party with two weeks notice, they have to accept some people might not make it and we are committed elsewhere.

I have suggested he goes to PIL and me and the kids go to my sisters, but apparently PIL want us all there and DH won't compromise.

I think my sister would understand and possibly be ok with it, but she would be upset and hurt and I don't see that I should cancel on her at relatively short notice.

DH says I am being unfair as his uncle is ill and that trumps everything else. I do understand he is upset about his uncle, but I think me and the kids at least should go to my sisters, anything else is at best horrendous manners. We could go to PIL two weeks later and perhaps take them and uncle out to dinner. DH thinks I should move the visit to DSis to that weekend (no idea if she is free).

i don't see how we are going to reach an agreement on this.

DowntownFunk Fri 19-Jun-15 21:36:08

FIL's 70th does trump a weekend at your DSis's.

guineapig1 Fri 19-Jun-15 21:38:17

Sorry I agree with Downtown. Go to your PIL's for FIL's birthday and arrange another weekend with your sister when everyone is free

SirBobblysock Fri 19-Jun-15 21:40:02

But not a two weeks notice..

Sirzy Fri 19-Jun-15 21:42:15

Did it not cross your/your DH mind that he might be doing something for a big birthday?

I would try to rearrange your sister for in a few weeks.

TendonQueen Fri 19-Jun-15 21:43:07

Is any of the stuff you've arranged to do at your sister's immovable? (Like show tickets etc)

I would go to your Pils but I'd organise something special to make it up to your sister.

edwinbear Fri 19-Jun-15 21:44:34

Of course your DH's dad's 70th takes precedence over a weekend jolly with your sister, and of course you should all be there to celebrate it. YADBU.

Itsmine Fri 19-Jun-15 21:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyPeacock Fri 19-Jun-15 21:45:06

I'm afraid your FIL's 70th does trump visiting your Dsis

It's not your DH's fault that you have only been given 2 weeks notice and it would seem odd for him to attend alone while you take your DC to visit your Dsis

YANBU to be annoyed at having to change your plans though!

CrystalHaze Fri 19-Jun-15 21:45:26

FIL's 70th does trump a weekend at your DSis's.

I agree. You can go to your sister's anytime, DH's father will only have one 70th birthday. Yes, the notice period could have been longer, but for whatever reason it wasn't.

Terming this as 'DH playing family top trumps' and being 'completely unfair' smacks a wee bit of pettiness. Is there more to it?

Cabawill Fri 19-Jun-15 21:45:50

I'd stick with the visit to your DSis. It's really rude to cancel so late- even for FIL birthday bash when organised so late.

BastardGoDarkly Fri 19-Jun-15 21:49:17

I wouldn't miss my dad's 70th birthday would you? Although, how your dh didn't realise and ask what the family were doing for it I don't know.

Plus his uncle is ill, what if he died?

It's not worth it, speak to your sister, she'll understand.

MrsPnut Fri 19-Jun-15 21:53:05

I don't think a 70th birthday does trump a prearranged weekend. They have had a whole year to ask them to save the date and asking two weeks before means you run the risk of the people you invite being booked up.

I think your compromise of him going alone is a good one.

TigerFeat Fri 19-Jun-15 21:54:56

Did you check whether Fil might be doing anything for his birthday before arranging the weekend with your sister?

It would be presumed, in my family, that big birthday weekends would be kept free by everyone unless the birthday person had stated they didn't want a party/visit/whatever or had arranged something for another date.

TigerFeat Fri 19-Jun-15 21:57:13

Also, the uncle is a red herring. If your dh wants to visit him he should off and do it quickly regardless of any parties/weekends away that might be happening.

vvega Fri 19-Jun-15 21:57:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lambzig Fri 19-Jun-15 21:58:07

Ok I will take it on the chin, then and cancel my sister.

We had of course asked if they were doing anything for his 70th, and they said that they were going away, but would like to come to see us in August.

I don't think I am being petty. I don't have a close relationship with PIL, neither does DH (we see them around once a year, usually me pushing DH to arrange), but I don't dislike them or have any issues. I suppose I am slightly sad that they are not interested in the DC (there is a religious issue with them being ivf), but accept them as they are.

I just didn't think it was fair that they could change plans at short notice and we would have to jump to a 3 hour each way weekend with young DC and cancel existing plans, but perhaps I am being unfair then.

TigerFeat Fri 19-Jun-15 22:01:47

We had of course asked if they were doing anything for his 70th, and they said that they were going away, but would like to come to see us in August.

Then Yanbu. You checked, they had plans already that didn't include you, so you made plans of your own.

Stick with the weekend at your sisters and go and see fil and uncle as soon as is possible before or after that.

Pico2 Fri 19-Jun-15 22:04:12

I'm not convinced that cancelling your original plans is the right thing to do. If they never gave any indication of wanting a family party before it really is too late for them to expect everyone to be free now.

I'd have a problem with their attitude to the DC if I were you.

Tapasfairy Fri 19-Jun-15 22:06:43

You made plans with your sister, I think its rude to cancel as you have a ' better' offer.

DowntownFunk Fri 19-Jun-15 22:06:55

Agree that YANBU given the new info.

Lambzig Fri 19-Jun-15 22:09:15

I do have a huge problem. It's MIL only. She described them as 'not real grandchildren'. Very Catholic, asked the priest who told her it was fine, but 'wrestles with her conscience' to accept them. DH does not know this as he would be so badly hurt and also go utterly ballistic and I expect FIL would be very angry too. I can't bear to tell him.

However, I think that is a red herring on this particular situation.

ThreeQuartersEmpty Fri 19-Jun-15 22:09:48

Maybe FIL didn't want a fuss, and then with his brother being ill decided that life is too short.

I think you should rearrange your sister. Don't be mean.

profpoopsnagle Fri 19-Jun-15 22:11:09

We have a rule that if it's in the diary first then that's what happens. But we both have quite big families and most things have to be booked way in advance of 2 weeks. We also live far away from our families (my family moreso), so accept we can't be there every time.

In that situation I wouldn't cancel my sister, especially if the 70th thing is a last minute thing and it had all been arranged. I would offer to go to FIL in August, as has already been arranged.

Lambzig Fri 19-Jun-15 22:12:08

Oh sorry completely unintentional drip feeding, but I think (reading between the lines) that this is a last minute change because FIL wants to see his brother on his birthday.

I think any resentment I have is not about their behaviour, but about DH taking my family (and the lovely things they do for us and the DC) for granted.

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